vacation is over, I am leaving

[limbo]

Again that you all!

I am trying to be positive, but at time is hard!! As much as I say I am not worried about ow, I find today I am concerned, I feel like she is out there lurking somewhere and H will not be able to resist!

Anyways I do look forward to the Retro weekend only 2 weeks to wait for that!
Sara thank you so much for all the info on the weekend, I think that we have really made the right decision to do this!

[stewart10]

Hey Limbo:

Good to hear you are going to Retro. Sarah seems to know a lot about it. I would take her advice. Just wanted to touch on something that I thought was a big deal.

Also we aren't going to do the course until the spring, which is better all round, I have even encouraged him to start putting alittle money away so he can buy things for the bike, and he thought it was a good idea.
So we did have a more mature interaction, also this morning he said that he is really going to make a concious effort not to behave like that anymore, so hopefully he is now seeing this is not how he wants to be!

So, you had a bit of a conflict over plans for Retro/Bike course. Started out arguing about it. But after a short time you were both able to compromise on it. He apologized for acting like a child and you were able to reach a satisfactory outcome for both of you.

Believe me I know this isn't going to be a short process, but if he is really trying then I can't ask for anything else!

Exactly.


Stew

[limbo]

Thanks Stew!! Sometimes it takes someone else to point out the good, as you get bogged down with the negative!

Now, last night we talked, what brought this on is that we are having major problems with S7, he is getting very pyshical with other kids, and its to the point that the camp he was going to has asked that he not come today! So we are very worried, and have actually been in touch with an old counsellor of ours that specilizes in kids.
So basically what I told H is that this is no longer a game that we can keep playing, that we have to stop thinking only of ourselves and focus back on our kids! I will be the first to admit that because of what has been going on, I have not focused on them like I should have, and this has obviously become a problem.
I said that if he is not prepared to commit to us 100% then there is no point in carry on, that in 6 months he can't turn around and say he has been drawn back to ow. The kids need stability and our focus, and if he is not prepared to do that, then I am on my own.
He said that he hasn't really realized what damage he has done????!!!! Of course he was going back into feeling sorry for himself!
I said he has to forgive himself, move on from the guilt if he does hope to stay and build a strong family, that not all the blame and guilt is his, that it took the 2 of us to break the marriage and it will take the 2 of us to build it.
He agreed that what was said was right, he did want his family together and happy, so we shall see.
The reason I did this, is because I just can not allow this to continue the way it is, I wount let me kids suffer anymore, and if it means he has to leave to get my kids back on track then I will do it!

[limbo]

Haven't heard to much from him today!! Don't know if he is just busy or is avoiding me!

I felt that I had to push him because I think that we have to do something, we can't just sit in the limbo for ever, and especially when there are kids involved.
So he has to decide what is really more important to him, I can't keep my kids in this enviroment any more.

[thegoodfight]

Feeling like you are today. Mini bomb dropped on me after being asked to do things as a family during the week, I have now been asked to disappear for a day. My update is on the Lessons from a WAW if your interested.

Give it a few days see how the weekend goes and make a decision after that. It is hard to be rash and difficult when there is no progress. I am fearing I am coming near a crossroads, early than anticapated, but I am going to give it to the weekend to see how I feel. Please let us know how the weekend goes I am hoping it starts a healing process for you and your H.

[limbo]

Thanks I will, 2 weeks today we go!

I think if it was just me I would hang in for alot longer, but now I can see the impact its having on the kids, and I just can't it continue, and thats why I said what I did! Its time we put the kids first!

[limbo]

I think that I might be realizing what my H problem is, we had another issue today, when I and D were looking at furniture, H wanted a peice with D and I knew would be to big, and he got pissed...I think he just doesn't want to be with me, I think we is unhappy and trapped in this situation and this is why he has such a short fuse.
He is really feeling trapped and has no way out, we are hardly ever intimate, so I pretty much know he doesn't desire me.
So the question is what do we do know? should I just suggest we end it and go seperate whys therefore releasing him to do what he really wants?

[Sara]

No. Stick it out til Retrouvaille. You will get the peace you need during the weekend. He will have to focus and communicate and you will know what's in his head. In the meantime, stop trying to guess and change things.

I can understand the talk about focusing on the kids and needing a stable relationship for them. That is very true. but when you talk about your perception that he feels trapped....that's thin ice. Your perception of his feelings. Go to retrouvaille. He will talk about what he feels, you will be taught how to discuss his feelings with him. Be careful, every little thing does not need to be associated with an ultimatum of "let's end it now".

You need to stop talking like that or he will just end it now.

[Disillussioned]

Limbo,
Step back and take a deep breath. It looks like you've been in this situation for almost a year. I'm sure you can hold out for another two weeks. It's really not that long. Focus on the kids for now. Stop with the R talks. Your H committed to going to Retro, so hold out for that weekend.

I felt that I had to push him because I think that we have to do something, we can't just sit in the limbo for ever, and especially when there are kids involved.

You're not in limbo forever. It sounds like you are making forward progress especially with the Retro weekend. Focus on making it the next two weeks with NO R talks.

Good Luck!!

[Heimlich]

Hang in there, Limbo. Two more weeks. You can be patient that much longer. Don't read too much into what your H feels.

BD