I'm not going to even comment on your analogy because you are assuming the PW is talking to OM on a regular basis and since I don't see the similarities, I'm letting that go.
No one said that PW's H is not hurting. I think I tried to explain that as an example in my sitch. Of course, it hurts. I too see H's gf dropping him off and picking him up from the station but it is my choice to continue to love him. If you love someone it is not because of what they do for you but what you do for them. Because H doesn't love me right now or at least doesn't appear to treat me like he does, doesn't mean that I don't love him.
When our kids disrespect us and don't talk to us or say they don't love us, do our feelings for them change?
If you really love someone, it is unconditional without any expectation. It also doesn't mean you should let them disrespect you so you decide what the boundaries are.
I would hope that PW and her H are communicating and working through this together taking each other's feelings into consideration. Of course, if PW doesn't eventually cut off all contact with OP, I can't imagine her H sticking around. You can only be hurt so much before you say enough is enough. What is enough? We all have a different tolerance level and only we know.
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Why should prodigal's husband be forced (in this case applicable) to deal with the fallout of her feelings, when she is perfectly capable of dealing with it herself?
Just as PW can't be forced to stop talking to OM, her H can't be forced to put up with it.
What I think is being missed here is that right or wrong, respect is a two-way street and if one of them is feeling disrespected then they need to work on it together to make it work otherwise let it go.
There is no "one size fits all" to reconciling a M but as long as both parties WANT and commit to reconciling, then how they work it out is between the 2 of them. Who are we to judge.
It would be interesting if PW's H could speak for himself and tell us why he is putting up with PW talking to OM. Then we would have HIS perspective.
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
This isn't about love, unconditional or otherwise. This is about respect and commitment. I don't really care if she was talking to OM on a regular basis or just once in a while. Check, it's horrible either way but worse if it was all the time.
Here is the thing that everyone seems to be glossing over:
WHEN MOST COUPLES MARRY, UNLESS THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE, IT IS AGREED UPON THAT AFFAIRS ARE NOT ALLOWED. Furthermore, outside of abuse it's a well known fact that the WORST thing you can possibly do to someone is marry them and then have an affair. Based on this logic, PG is deliberately disrespecting her husband, her marriage, and herself by continuing contact with OM. AND IT IS HURTING HER HUSBAND. And worse still, she is trying to justify it.
WHEN MOST COUPLES MARRY, UNLESS THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE, IT IS AGREED UPON THAT AFFAIRS ARE NOT ALLOWED. Furthermore, outside of abuse it's a well known fact that the WORST thing you can possibly do to someone is marry them and then have an affair.
No one, including me will disagree with you here yet A do happen whether EA or PA while still together. Even knowing that our S's have had an A, many LBS still choose to stand for their M and give it a second chance. The choice is ours.
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Based on this logic, PG is deliberately disrespecting her husband, her marriage, and herself by continuing contact with OM.
Disrespect...I agree with you here but again, her H is making the choice to stand by her.
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AND IT IS HURTING HER HUSBAND.
We can say we imagine it hurts her H as we certainly would feel hurt. I don't think that we can speak for him.
Bottom line is what she did is wrong. The fact that she is still talking to OM is also wrong. If she is being honest to her H, her M and herself, and wants to save her M, she needs to shift her priority from herself to her M which includes her H. How her H and she choose to work it out is up to them.
Don't know if you've followed frank_D's sitch. If not, you should. I'm sure you would've disagreed with how he handled his sitch as he watched his W continue with the A while they were together. Yes, when the time WAS RIGHT he set the boundaries if they were to save their M and today they are back together.
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Here is the thing that everyone seems to be glossing over:
WHEN MOST COUPLES MARRY, UNLESS THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE, IT IS AGREED UPON THAT AFFAIRS ARE NOT ALLOWED. Furthermore, outside of abuse it's a well known fact that the WORST thing you can possibly do to someone is marry them and then have an affair. Based on this logic, PG is deliberately disrespecting her husband, her marriage, and herself by continuing contact with OM. AND IT IS HURTING HER HUSBAND. And worse still, she is trying to justify it.
sop
The only reason you post on this message board is because it contradicts your views SOP. You are a sick little troll. I shall call you Snake In Grass.
Hey, my beloved aunt 70 had an affair during her marriage to my wonderful deceased uncle. She is also a prodigal wife. They had issues with fertility and language and sex. She hooked up with a hot much younger American teenager and introduced this teenager's twin brother to her married sister who had a kid. My aunt's husband found out about it and bribed her to come back. My uncle said he would take her dancing every weekend, he would lose weight, stop watching TV, learn Spanish, they could get transfered to Europe, and finally adopt. He never asked for anything in return except for her return to the R. He never even forbade her from seeing the teenager! She loved her H so much for that. Now he has passed on and she misses his loyalty like crazy. She still sees that teenager because now he is my other Uncle. Yes, her married sister is my MIL and that twin's brother is my FIL and that baby they had out of wedlock is my H. Funny. Both sisters had affairs. One went back to the H and one married the OM. But everyone respected my deceased Uncle for never acting jealous or controlling. He gave my Aunt the choice and she chose him. Thank goodness because her OM has been divorced three times and ended up a shmuck! What about my MIL, her first husband abandoned her with a baby in a foreign country so that is why she married my FIL.
Last edited by mkultra; 09/02/0703:12 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Now imagine if our OP had twins that married into our families and became our inlaws. We would have to see their faces all the time. Well my Aunt and my MIL were next door neighbours so my Uncle got to see the OM'sgenetic face everyday! But he was just happy that his wife chose him that the rest was just cake. He took those twins in like his own family. Imagine that.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hey, my beloved aunt 70 had an affair during her marriage to my wonderful deceased uncle. She is also a prodigal wife. They had issues with fertility and language and sex. She hooked up with a hot much younger American teenager and introduced this teenager's twin brother to her married sister who had a kid. My aunt's husband found out about it and bribed her to come back. My uncle said he would take her dancing every weekend, he would lose weight, stop watching TV, learn Spanish, they could get transfered to Europe, and finally adopt. He never asked for anything in return except for her return to the R. He never even forbade her from seeing the teenager! She loved her H so much for that. Now he has passed on and she misses his loyalty like crazy. She still sees that teenager because now he is my other Uncle. Yes, her married sister is my MIL and that twin's brother is my FIL and that baby they had out of wedlock is my H. Funny. Both sisters had affairs. One went back to the H and one married the OM. But everyone respected my deceased Uncle for never acting jealous or controlling. He gave my Aunt the choice and she chose him. Thank goodness because her OM has been divorced three times and ended up a shmuck! What about my MIL, her first husband abandoned her with a baby in a foreign country so that is why she married my FIL.
Mkultra-
If your uncle felt that his actions were best for him, God bless him. I would not feel the same way, as I imagine most people wouldn't. IMO your Aunt is a horrible human being, but that's just my opinion. I think the point that I've tried to make that often gets lost, is that when your spouse leaves or is threatening to leave, many people want their spouse back at any cost. This is true because they have been beaten down so much emotionally that they lose all perspective on balance, respect, and fairness (especially self respect). However, if their spouse DOES come back, eventually all the of the things that the WAS did during the time or leaving or thinking about leaving will have to be dealt with. Often, after regaining their self esteem and perspective, the things that the LBS accepted come back to haunt them and make them unhappy and/or resentful. That's the great danger of accepting certain actions.
Why can't you agree to dis agree? How can you say "most people" would do anything? All you can speak about is how YOU feel. It is not wrong or right it is just how you feel.
I give up you win
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Why can't you agree to dis agree? How can you say "most people" would do anything? All you can speak about is how YOU feel. It is not wrong or right it is just how you feel.
I give up you win
Husband
Husband-
I believe I have enough data at my disposal to be statistically significant. In other words, I've read enough and seen enough to be qualified to say 'most', meaning majority, in this situation. You may disagree, but I'd if you do I'd like to hear the reasons that you disagree.
