HS... yeah, it's taken me a lot of work (and hurt) to get to this place... and with the help of a good C, I AM finally clear on what I want in my life and am truly *getting* that I shouldn't settle. I think what's most important in that is understanding that we are responsible for setting ourselves up for success. There are still risks of course, but we do have some control. Thanks for noticing.
And you bring up a good point about perfection, and setting yourself up for failure. I think that's really important. I'm not looking for perfect in a partner and never seemed to do that. But I had to work long and hard at not expecting perfection from myself and my interactions, and I feel I've been doing incredibly well in that department. It's given me greater confidence and self-esteem to ask for what I want and not settle, and resulted in me being more successful rather than disappointed with myself and interactions. Expectations can be a killer. But don't confuse them with your standards... or as my C pointed out... don't insult your partner by not believing they are capable of better.
Jules!!!! Thank you, girlie! I will. Glad you found that funny too. I'm not holding that analogy against him.... I might say something just as funny. Yeah, I'm not sold either. He needs to put his money where his mouth is. Need to see action. Love you! You have a great day as well!!
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
"But don't confuse them with your standards... or as my C pointed out... don't insult your partner by not believing they are capable of better."
Words to live by right there.
Glad you see the value in that, HS. I used the term "standards" to avoid using the same word but I think it just comes down to the different ways "expectations" are actually used/practiced. See, my C had pointed out some time back that it's not bad to have "expectations"... he said you are complimenting them by expecting more from them because you are saying that you think they are capable of better. I had trapped myself with many of my efforts to let go of what I couldn't control.
Discussing this reminds me to take care to treat my H in a way that lets him know I think he's capable of more. I think my focus stayed more on myself, and what I expect from my friends.... my own boundaries. It's a tough balance to find. I'm so glad this came up, because that is something I can work on more. I could very well be guilty of making him feel as though I don't expect any better from him... because, quite frankly, I wasn't. I remember telling him I wasn't surprised, as I told him I didn't take it personally. And I told him it was sad he didn't respect himself more... which may not be a bad thing. I thought I had done good since I wasn't throwing it in his face or being critical about it, but I didn't hit the target on that one. It was a big improvement, but not different enough. I think I was still telling him I don't expect him to be able to tell the truth... I was just a lot nicer and much more subtle about it. Good stuff. Thanks!
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Hey I forgot to mention something before. I thought R talks were antiDB. I keep making that mistake as I feel entitled because I am trying to detach, but it really gets me no where. I can't guilt someone back or rationalize with someone who is addicted to an affair or drugs or a MLC. Let's amke a pact and avoid the R talk, shall we Forever21?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
R talks are very often a bad idea when you're DBing, but I don't think they're simply "anti-DB". There are definitely times when they should be avoided though. One of the best tests is to ask yourself the question... is this going to get me closer to my goal?
Looking at my last interaction with my H for example, I didn't need to start sharing with him where my head had been at recently in regards to us. I'd say that could qualify as R talk that wasn't necessary, in hindsight. BUT... can't say I regret it.... because I know I wasn't trying to force R talk... was just going with the flow of our convo and being myself. It felt like something that could help me get closer to my goal.
Not sure I follow ya on feeling entitled because you are trying to detach. ?? Maybe if you said you were trying to distance yourself from your H. Forcing R talk will do just that.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Hey J, just got caught up and it sounds like you have been quite the busy camper lately.
One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is how our spouses begin to react when we are coming from a place of no longer needing them for our own validation. It luminates off of you in your conversations that you are now a confident and strong woman who can be just fine without your husband.
The thing is it is almost like the old rope a dope tactic in boxing, only you didnt do it on purpose. From the beginning you took a barrage of pain, absorbed all of his blows and just kept on fighting back in defense of yourself. Now you have regained control of your life and suddenly you are the one throwing the jabs, using fancy footwork, and prancing around the ring so much more confident.
As you progress with this, I imagine he will be back on his heals quite a bit. I think its important for you to be aware of this when dealing with him. It may help you when he gets angry and upset. You fell into it this time, but as you go on, you will do this less and less.
When he reacts in a negative fashion to you, try and remember to step back and see that you are not invested in him at this point so you dont have to fight him anymore. Instead it is his job to learn to speak to you in a loving and respectful fashion just as you are to him.
Now your favorite part of my posts, the male view point and where I see him at. He is off guard right now, having to face his own faults rather than be focused on yours. You are not giving him the reasons to be mad at you that he once had and that is affecting his ability to justify his actions. He is now trying to find new reasons, thus he tries to start a argument and egg you on to giving him more ammunition.
Its the same with him not telling you why he lied about Sunday. He wants you to push him to tell you so later he can tell you how you push to hard and nag him into telling you things. It's all about reloading his arsenal, as a man, we generally realize that arguing with a woman is a daunting task because women are detail oriented. Men need to reload ammo, women just have ammo because they remember details.
His line about never wanting a divorce, bullshit line...... He probably as thought about it, but doesnt want it for his own goofy reasons whether it be financial, family, or reputation. There is an alternative reason to the right reason to not want a divorce. If he didnt want one because he wants y'all to work out, he'd be doing a hell of a lot better job trying to "fix" your marriage. Again, in my opinion this was a line meant to intice you into a brief argument.
Your doing great J, stay strong and remember, you are in charge. You don't need him to "complete" you, you are an individual on your own and can be happy and successful without him in your life.
Thanks for your post, Ian! Interesting thoughts from you.
Thanks for noticing my confidence and strength. I have my moments, but I'm doing pretty darn good. Love your analogy with the boxing. It's so true. And I have caught on to this over time, but it takes some getting used to. I've noticed I don't fight him like I used to, and it has made a huge diff.
I get what you're saying about him trying to egg me on to reload his arsenal. Makes sense. He used to do that SO much, and I have watched him do that some lately too but not near as much. It doesn't seem as though he wants to fight me, or be angry at me anymore. I see this cycle definitely being broken. When we met last, on Sat, I think he was feeling really icky and struggling with himself for "being evasive" to me. It was very hard for him to hear me tell him how much I respected him, and at first he didn't think he could handle hearing it. I think his anger came from being scared of D and just getting extremely anxious over the subject. Yeah... come to think of it, he probably IS surprised I haven't bothered to try to get out of him why he lied (or was being evasive), or even some other things that he's tried to bate me on.
I completely agree with you on his reasons for not wanting a D, but I'm gonna let him speak for himself. That is something I have told him I am really interested in hearing. He's always admitted to thinking about D, he just knows that he doesn't want to. I told him I don't see any reason for me to stay M. It's taken awhile, but I think he has started to understand where I'm at with this. I've been very open with him about what I want and need, what I'm seeing that I like from him, what I don't like, and what I'm not seeing enough of... namely, I feel like there's more talk than action. If he IS trying to "fix" this M, then that should help him.
Things are friendly with us. He seems to be working at dealing with stress in a healthy way, but I think he's just doing that on his own as he has before... no therapist... and I want to say "how well has that worked for you in the past?" Anywho, that's that.
I have 2 full flats of raspberries, and a half flat of strawberries to freeze and make into some jam tomorrow. Will be scheduling my State R.E. exam. It's raining, and its summer. Dogs are great. I'm great. Life is good.
Last edited by forever21; 09/05/0707:25 AM.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
f21 you sound wonderful!! Glad to see how well you're doing.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Trip... thank you! We apparently have 4 hours total to take the exam... 2 1/2 for the main portion, and 1 1/2 for the state portion. I've received my course completion certificate in the mail and scheduled to take the state exam this Saturday. I appreciate the good luck wish. We have some sun and some high clouds. It rained during the night again, but it's stayed dry here so far today. Weird weather we have had for summer. I've been hoping we have a hot September. Just makes you enjoy the great days we do have.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
It's so true. And I have caught on to this over time, but it takes some getting used to. I've noticed I don't fight him like I used to, and it has made a huge diff.