I LOVE living alone

[forever21]

HS... THANK YOU!

OK, so this morning was interesting. We ended up talking D. Not surprising, considering. I am doing good, just taking this as an opportunity to get somewhere. I ended up saying a few things I didn't need to, but I'm not upset about it. My biggest mistake was that I thought I could talk openly with him and he had the ability to listen. I don't think he could handle hearing that I'd been ready to end this M. I wasn't saying that I wanted to now either... I had started to share that I had been trying to find a way to talk to him about us, before he came around and started befriending me... and I didn't get to finish what I was saying. I notice he didn't give me the chance to use the D word. He finished my sentence for me using the term "sever ties with me?" That was where things went bad.

The first part of our visit went well. I said what I wanted to say to him (how much I respect him, and some of the things I respect about him), and he really appreciated it. He got teary, and he told me it meant more to him than I could imagine. We hung out and conversation kept moving. A lot of good things were shared, and I am extremely happy with so much of what I had the opportunity to share with him.

But then came the negative, or the sabotage... which I don't feel overly responsible for. He just started getting angry over divorcing. I was patient and did my best to set boundaries and keep things respectful. Maybe it was a sitch where I should've not been patient and worked at being a good listener. Maybe I should've taken notice that he was misunderstanding me, and spoke up! Hindsight.

He just couldn't drop the anger, and I eventually joined him rather than stick to my boundary of not staying in the convo if he was going to continue with that. I got sucked into that old crazy cycle. Not nearly as bad as old times, but I went there. We parted without making peace. It was nice to not be anxious about that either though, rather than feel insecure about it as I used to. At one point, I told him I am done... that I just want this to be over.

Here's what I texted him immediately afterwards (I know, not one of my best moments)....

What i really let get to me was u trying to take away from me what i came here to say to u today. I mean what i said. I have a lot of respect 4 u. I wonder if what is happening is u have felt bad abt divorcing me. I thought u just didn't really want a d because that is what u said. Now i think u have just felt guilty abt it. I'm @ peace with it & have been for some time now. I just can't handle being talked to with the anger u display. I let it get to me & did a bad job @ setting a boundary. I'm sorry 4 losing my self & 4 getting angry. I did say some things in anger at the end. I'm sorry & hope u'll forgive me.

His response......

No I have never really wanted a divorce. I have my reasons why not. There are many. So u can stop trying to analyze me, again, & believe what i say. I know i am & have not been honest with a lot of things, so i guess what do i expect. but its so frustrating when i feel it is like the only one good, solid thing i have. I don't know what i expect, i have not been trustworthy any other time, so whatever. Right?

I haven't responded.
What's up with him trying to get me to agree with him?
What do you think he is referring to when he said he feels like *it* is the only one good, solid thing he has??? His knowing that he doesn't want a D? His M? ??? Should I ask him?

Almost an hour later, he sends this....

I am just really sorry *f21*. I really am.

This is what I have drafted....

Thanks 4 your txts, H. I accept your apology. I'd be interested in hearing your reasons 4 not wanting a divorce. Can you tell me what ur referring to when u say... the one good, solid thing u have?

Any feedback is appreciated.
Should I enlighten him on the fact that I wasn't even saying I wanted to D, that I was only trying to share where my head has been at recently?

Oh, so he just sent another text...

God. I hope ur not hurt. I am so sorry. I shoulda had more control of my emotions this morning. F***! Sorry

I feel a little guilty for not wanting to comfort him right away.