My penance...

[I_Still_Love_Him]

PW,

Thank you for sharing your experience here with the rest of us. I can imagine how hard it is to see people dissing you on how you are handling your sitch but as I've always said, until someone walks in your shoes, they don't know what its like. You would also have to appreciate where we're coming from too.

I do think its admirable that you are here to try to help the LBS in understanding what goes on in the WAS' mind. I hope people here can appreciate that even if they don't agree with you it is simply your experience as you see it.

While I can't imagine that your H would have wanted you to continue talking to OM, I can certainly understand how you would have to wean yourself away from him. I have to agree that if you are forced to stop talking to him altogether, there may be the possibility of going back to OM because you would be resentful towards your H.

I can see both sides however as it is really hard for the LBS to know that you are still talking to OM. This is an issue of trust. IMO, as long as the convos become less frequent and shorter in duration, then there is a definite sense that the WAS wants to work towards a better M with the LBS.

I'm not sure how long you have or maybe still are continuing to talk to OM but YOU have to make a decision that at some point very soon, it must be done with. What is your priority? Your M or OM? There are 2 people besides yourself in this sitch and the feelings of one of them needs to take priority now. I will let you decide which one that is.

My husband frequently saw me with the OM. In fact my H tried to be civil and even had him to the house once or twice. I think that was during the phase where he had pretty much given up on me, and was convincing himself I was gone. It's hard to say how long friends and family can put up with his actions. Not forever would be my only thought.

I can relate to the above statement. (This may be somewhat of a hijack but I'm hoping your thoughts will benefit others).

In the last 3 months I have been running into my H at the train station either going to work or coming from work, after not seeing him for 7 months. Since I have decided to let go, allow him to live through his experience, I have been able to let go of the resentment and anger. I can actually be friendly with him. My friends and family of course can't understand that I can still love this man. I have had OM approach me and so I know it would not be difficult to get into another R, but my heart is truly with him even after the hurt he's put me through. In fact, I do take responsibility that I have contributed to it as well. It does take 2.

When I see him, he does not seem like the same person. He does not seem happy although I'm sure he will try to convince himself he is. He is so distant like he isn't living on this earth. His eyes seem glassy. He is not the same man I married 7 years ago. I guess that's why they call them "aliens". He has put on so much weight that I'm worried he will give himself a heart attack.

I still love him and would give him another chance but I can't make him want to be with me. I want to be wanted otherwise the M will not work. I can accept if he never comes back either as I have faith that if God wants us to be together we will and if not, that is what is best for both of us.

The hard part came about 1 month ago when I saw his gf for the first time although we did not come face to face. I know H would have shown her pics of me but not sure if she would recognize me if she saw me just walking in a crowd of people. She was driving our car that he always felt so possessive of. It killed me inside. It was like someone was sleeping in my bed. It may sound crazy to you and again unless you walk in the LBS shoes, you can't imagine the feeling.

What I don't understand is that when H sees me at the station, going to work, he will sit and chat with me for the entire ride. He has never told me where he lives but I know he's moved in with her. Of course I don't ask him about his personal life as he doesn't want to talk to me about it. Or does he?

When I see him returning from work, because his gf picks him up, I sense that he doesn't want to be seen with me. If this R is what he wants and feels it is right, why does he not want me to meet her? Why does he worry if she sees me?

I would appreciate it if you can share your thoughts.

I hope you can appreciate the hurt that your H has felt and perhaps continues to feel when you talk to OM. I know that deep down you hurt too but don't take advantage of his loving actions.

I can't tell you how lucky you are to have a H willing to fight for your M. Many of my friends who went through what you did were not so lucky and 3 years later, they still can't deal with the consequences of their decision. He must love you very much.

ISLH