There and Back, #4

[SallyM]

ya know, lwb, I spent some time tonight thinking about my motivations for joining them tomorrow, and honestly, I just think it will end up biting me in the ass, so I think I'm going to skip it. I've got a ton on my plate, anyway, and will have the kids back the next day, so I'm going to stick to my original plan. besides, its only going to be in the 70s, so a little cool for the pool...he'll probably decide against it, anyway.

the job thing is really stressing me out, and I've done some thinking about why it is stressing me out so much. part of it is when we talked about it tonight, it was like the old H talking to me, instead of this body snatched creature he mostly acts like. part of it is that I still do love him/care for him, and want him to be happy in his job. I really love the company he left, they are a great company to work for, and his leaving it was a little scary for me. I know how good they have been/continue to be, and I and the kids depend on it.

I need to stop letting whatever happens stress me so much, though. I'm just afraid if h doesn't get back with his old company, its not going to work out at the new one and then what? he's always been a good provider for us, and while I know eventually I'll likely need to enter the work force, I certainly won't earn what he does, or even close to it. not at first, likely never. the $ thing, being dependant on another person, is suddenly very scary for me. and if he does go back to the old job, well, thanks for adding yet another bill to the pile, jerk.

I'm babbling here. I'm wired. I ended up falling asleep on the couch really early and woke up wired, so I have a feeling it will be a late night for me tonight. I'm kind of wandering the house, stopping every once in a while to answer an e-mail, read a bit in my book, or putter. yep, one of those nights. but the good thing about the kids being with H is that I can at least try to sleep in in the morning. see, looking for that silver lining!