I took my ex-OM's calls for a long time. It really has to do with the fact that healing is a process...a journey. He was a part of my life and it's damn near impossible to just cut it out and throw it away. He had been my friend and I struggled with that, even after the affair was over. My husband knew I needed to work through that and so he helped me.
It's not "near impossible" (your words) to avoid answering the phone when OM calls (called). It's near impossible to run a mile under 4 minutes, near impossible to live to be 125 years old, near impossible to stay awake for 1000 hours straight, but it is relatively simple to avoid answering the phone. It's a decision that you were fully capable of making, but you refused. Your husband did not give you a hard time about it because he knew it wouldn't help your M and R, NOT because he liked it. Can you honestly say that it didn't hurt your husband deeply that you continued to speak with OM? If the answer is no, then we have no disagreement. You did what YOU wanted, not what your husband wanted and NOT what was best for your marriage. The reason this is important is that if you don't understand this, you will continue to perpetuate selfish behaviour that hurts others in the future. You can defend it all day long, but the bottom line is that you chose the path that you saw as benefitting you and you ignored the repercussions and consequences that your husband was forced to face because of your selfishness. Even worse than that is that you are defending it. No matter- you can spin it however you like but the fact of the matter is that you deliberately hurt your husband.
I do agree with you that it is a decision to answerer or not. But... Telling your spouse not to answer will get you nowhere. They need to be the one to decide otherwise they will always have that "what if" thing going on in their mind. I did not check to see if my W was or is still calling the OM this is my decision So I decided if I got hurt or not.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I do agree with you that it is a decision to answerer or not. But... Telling your spouse not to answer will get you nowhere. They need to be the one to decide otherwise they will always have that "what if" thing going on in their mind. I did not check to see if my W was or is still calling the OM this is my decision So I decided if I got hurt or not.
Husband
I'll tell you the thing that really bothers me about this: prodigal's husband was doing what he thought would give his marriage the best chance, NOT what he wanted. Unfortunately, Prodigal is now using this poor guy's kindness against him via a perverse justification that 'my husband wanted me to do it'. It should be obvious that 99.99% of victims of infidelity would be hurt by continued contact with OM/OW. Prodigal is conveniently ignoring this fact because it serves her purpose. She can try and discredit me to her heart's content, but the bottom line is that she is one that deliberately hurt her husband, not me.
You're quite right. An affair is NOT a normal relationship. For the most part, it's a relationship with all the hard stuff taken out. It's like that infatuation with the hot guy at school senior year. He may be the biggest jerk on earth, but in your eyes he's the perfect guy and no one can convince you otherwise.
My husband frequently saw me with the OM. In fact my H tried to be civil and even had him to the house once or twice. I think that was during the phase where he had pretty much given up on me, and was convincing himself I was gone. It's hard to say how long friends and family can put up with his actions. Not forever would be my only thought.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
No, I doubt you're overreacting. That scenario rates pretty high on my BS meter too. Unfortunately I think your right, and something else was going on that she wanted to cover quickly with affection. There were times I thought it would work on my H too...honestly how little intelligence we credit our spouses with sometimes!
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
A few times during the A my husband and I tried being intimate...it was a dumb idea. It felt fake and hollow, and neither one of us really enjoyed it much. We've talked about it since then and really can't figure out why we bothered when it was so obviously not what either of us wanted.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
Thank you for sharing your experience here with the rest of us. I can imagine how hard it is to see people dissing you on how you are handling your sitch but as I've always said, until someone walks in your shoes, they don't know what its like. You would also have to appreciate where we're coming from too.
I do think its admirable that you are here to try to help the LBS in understanding what goes on in the WAS' mind. I hope people here can appreciate that even if they don't agree with you it is simply your experience as you see it.
While I can't imagine that your H would have wanted you to continue talking to OM, I can certainly understand how you would have to wean yourself away from him. I have to agree that if you are forced to stop talking to him altogether, there may be the possibility of going back to OM because you would be resentful towards your H.
I can see both sides however as it is really hard for the LBS to know that you are still talking to OM. This is an issue of trust. IMO, as long as the convos become less frequent and shorter in duration, then there is a definite sense that the WAS wants to work towards a better M with the LBS.
I'm not sure how long you have or maybe still are continuing to talk to OM but YOU have to make a decision that at some point very soon, it must be done with. What is your priority? Your M or OM? There are 2 people besides yourself in this sitch and the feelings of one of them needs to take priority now. I will let you decide which one that is.
Quote:
My husband frequently saw me with the OM. In fact my H tried to be civil and even had him to the house once or twice. I think that was during the phase where he had pretty much given up on me, and was convincing himself I was gone. It's hard to say how long friends and family can put up with his actions. Not forever would be my only thought.
I can relate to the above statement. (This may be somewhat of a hijack but I'm hoping your thoughts will benefit others).
In the last 3 months I have been running into my H at the train station either going to work or coming from work, after not seeing him for 7 months. Since I have decided to let go, allow him to live through his experience, I have been able to let go of the resentment and anger. I can actually be friendly with him. My friends and family of course can't understand that I can still love this man. I have had OM approach me and so I know it would not be difficult to get into another R, but my heart is truly with him even after the hurt he's put me through. In fact, I do take responsibility that I have contributed to it as well. It does take 2.
When I see him, he does not seem like the same person. He does not seem happy although I'm sure he will try to convince himself he is. He is so distant like he isn't living on this earth. His eyes seem glassy. He is not the same man I married 7 years ago. I guess that's why they call them "aliens". He has put on so much weight that I'm worried he will give himself a heart attack.
I still love him and would give him another chance but I can't make him want to be with me. I want to be wanted otherwise the M will not work. I can accept if he never comes back either as I have faith that if God wants us to be together we will and if not, that is what is best for both of us.
The hard part came about 1 month ago when I saw his gf for the first time although we did not come face to face. I know H would have shown her pics of me but not sure if she would recognize me if she saw me just walking in a crowd of people. She was driving our car that he always felt so possessive of. It killed me inside. It was like someone was sleeping in my bed. It may sound crazy to you and again unless you walk in the LBS shoes, you can't imagine the feeling.
What I don't understand is that when H sees me at the station, going to work, he will sit and chat with me for the entire ride. He has never told me where he lives but I know he's moved in with her. Of course I don't ask him about his personal life as he doesn't want to talk to me about it. Or does he?
When I see him returning from work, because his gf picks him up, I sense that he doesn't want to be seen with me. If this R is what he wants and feels it is right, why does he not want me to meet her? Why does he worry if she sees me?
I would appreciate it if you can share your thoughts.
I hope you can appreciate the hurt that your H has felt and perhaps continues to feel when you talk to OM. I know that deep down you hurt too but don't take advantage of his loving actions.
I can't tell you how lucky you are to have a H willing to fight for your M. Many of my friends who went through what you did were not so lucky and 3 years later, they still can't deal with the consequences of their decision. He must love you very much.
ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
While I can't imagine that your H would have wanted you to continue talking to OM, I can certainly understand how you would have to wean yourself away from him. I have to agree that if you are forced to stop talking to him altogether, there may be the possibility of going back to OM because you would be resentful towards your H.
I Still Love Him:
Why would Prodigal, or ANY person that is having an affair, be resentful towards their spouse for wanting the affair to end? How many people in a marriage WANT their spouse to conduct an illicit affair? It seems to me that any person that would resent such a perfectly reasonable reaction is such a messed up individual that it's not even worth engaging them.
I sense that you are stuck on this issue and can't let it go. Perhaps you should focus on PW's positive actions and not the one thing that seems to be bothering you so much.
I'll give you my perspective and know that we do not have to agree as we are all entitled to our perspectives. The position we each take will determine the way we ultimately feel about ourselves and the direction our life is going. If it makes you feel good about yourself to think the way you think, then that's great. You are what matters so do whatever makes you feel good.
When someone leaves a relationship, one of the biggest reasons, and I'm not sure if this was the case with PW, is that they feel that they are not IN CONTROL but rather are simply living the life their spouse wants. How many times do you hear the WAS say the the LBS is controlling and manipulative, even if you wouldn't agree, that is how THEY feel. And to some extent, it may even be true.
If PW's H forced her to stop talking to OM and it wasn't HER decision to do so, he would have simply confirmed to her why she left in the first place and not have considered reconciliation.
Also, being the LBS, knowing that it was the WAS's decision to stop communication with the OP, will not allow WAS to come back to you saying that YOU FORCED them to stop talking to OP.
Regardless whether the emotions involved in an A is not exactly like falling in love with someone, there are some real feelings there that need to be dealt with as there are feeling between the H and W that also need to be dealt with. Of course, I would think that any 2 people who come back together after being separated would also be getting counselling in learning to deal with those feelings.
SOP, I'm not familiar with your sitch and don't know how far along you are in the process but it sounds to me that you have not found your way to what is important here, foregiveness. I couldn't understand it either in the early stages and was angry, hurt and resentful but it did ME no good to feel that way. Foregiveness is something you give yourself whether you are the WAS or the LBS in order to feel whole again. I sense there is still a lot of hurt, anger and resentment within you. While it is normal to feel this and it is part of the healing process, if you stay stuck in this stage, you will only be harming YOU.
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
If PW's H forced her to stop talking to OM and it wasn't HER decision to do so, he would have simply confirmed to her why she left in the first place and not have considered reconciliation.
Let me make an analogy that will shed some light into my perpective: a marriage, in some ways, is analogous to a job in which the parties have signed a lifetime contract. Let's take my job, we are required to work 2 Saturday mornings, 4 hours each, per month. This is a part of my job that is important, and thus I was told on the date that I was hired that this part of my job is REQUIRED. What if I got into a bad habit of going out till all hours of the night on Fridays? If I slept through 4 Saturdays in a row, if I was lucky enough to not get fired, and I wanted to continue partying it up on Friday nights, would I have a right to be resentful towards my boss for telling me that I was never allowed to miss another Saturday? Of course not, the fact that my boss didn't fire me is a miracle in itself, and should be accepted with contrition. How much more evident is this illustration in regards to prodigal, when you throw in the fact that her actions are HURTING her husband that has so graciously extended the olive branch of hope and forgiveness?
Also, being the LBS, knowing that it was the WAS's decision to stop communication with the OP, will not allow WAS to come back to you saying that YOU FORCED them to stop talking to OP.
Be careful of the word forced, it's not applicable in this situation.
Regardless whether the emotions involved in an A is not exactly like falling in love with someone, there are some real feelings there that need to be dealt with...
Who's doing is that? Why should prodigal's husband be forced (in this case applicable) to deal with the fallout of her feelings, when she is perfectly capable of dealing with it herself?
