You are probably correct in what you said about the "brother-sister" thing. I guess b/c that was what girls use to say a long time ago when I was a teenager (lol)....you know, he was like a "brother" to us and did not want to date him. Anyway, we have been married 42 years this December and the past 22 of those years he has chosen to fall asleep on the couch while watching TV. As first, I would try to get him to go to bed, but finally I gave up and realized he was doing what he wanted to do. When I tried to talk to him about it, he would use my illness and the fact I could not sleep well and that I used a lot of pillows in the bed, etc. But, it just sounded like flimsy excuses to me. He has always perfered to sleep on the couch....even when we were young and he would go to my bed and get sex, then he would get back up and sleep on the couch.
We have talked about our R and we both think we have fallen into this area of feeling "comfortable" and just lazy about working at it anymore. However, that is what led to my lonliness and that led me to the OM. So, it is not a good place to be.
As far as asking him to hold me.....I have pleaded with him when we were young to go to bed with me and told him all the emotional reasons that I needed him to do that. I have tried to explain that that would lead into the sexual part also....but he would not compromise with me and that caused a lot of hurt feelings and resentment that has been pushed way down over the years. I think it contributed to killing some of the "in-love" feelings I had for him.
No, I am not attracted to him sexually. He is not a bad looking man for his age, so it has nothing to so with his looks. I love him and care about him. That is why I compared him to a "brother". I have no desire to kiss him or for him to hold me. A few weeks ago we had some financial problems where I had accidently overdrawn my checking account. I just fell apart b/c I was so upset. I walked over to him and laid my head on his shoulder and told him how sorry I was.....and he put his arms around me and told me it was okay. However, I could have done any relative that same way......and, I wasn't wanting sex from him that evening, either.
It is so hard for me to try and explain. I'm sure it is difficult to see it from my point of view and people don't know WHY it is so hard to just "do it" and then, maybe.....hopefully....if you are lucky....the feelings may follow. Well, I did just "do it" for a long time, but the feelings did not follow. It was easier, however, when we would have sex on a regular bases and not wait for weeks and then him come in and "make the moves on me" b/c then I resented it and it was hard to get into the mood.
I prayed and prayed for years that God would "fix" me so I could be the W my H deserved to have. Finally......finally, I felt that a "break-through" was just around the corner when my H stopped! No word....nothing. Just stopped. How ironic! I was so angry.....but, I pushed it down inside and thought how ironic that when I finally get to the place he wanted me to be....he stops. But, I thought he blamed me b/c he could not "perform".....b/c he did not get sex regularly. So....it was always my fault...didn't matter.....I was to blame.
I even told him once that I would have sex anytime he wanted it and not to worry about being rejected. That was not good enough for him! Nope! He wanted me to be ....(excuse the bluntness) hot and horny. Well, I wasn't, but I tried to be "willing"....for his sake. But again, it wasn't enough for him. So, can you see how I felt like I just couldn't do anything right......in the sex department? I tried to read books and do all the little "fun" things to spice up the M that the books said to do. But, it still didn't seem to be enough for him. I think he wanted me to be the one to seduce him....and that is just not me. Never was before marriage and never was after marriage. It is just not my personality. At least it wasn't with him! And, he is the only man I ever had sex with. You know the weird thing? I could not do with him.....like I did with the OM on-line! That tells me something is not right! Where it was exciting to (again, excuse the bluntness) perform on cam to the OM.....I can't do that with my H.
So, I need counseling! That is why I felt like I was not in love with my H. That is why I questioned my R with him.
We are too old to think about D, etc. I am too old to start over....too set in my ways, probably. Today I am discouraged and think nothing will change and that I will have to accept this to be like this the rest of my life. I will never know what it would have been like to have an exciting sex life with another man. I will have to "settle" for whatever is salvaged from this M and just try to throw myself into church work like I always did.....my entire life.
I have said that I think I'm probably the oldest person on here. I have seen a few men my age post, but have not seen any women, that at least admitted to being 60. It seems rediculas to younger couples....for someone my age to be having M problems....especially sexual problems. (Probably turns some sick to their stomach to think about it...lol) But, it happens. Most people my age just won't admit it.
My grandfather had sex until he was almost 80 and got cancer. Guess what his biggest concern was? Yep.....that he couldn't have sex! It is a big part of us.....but I don't believe it is the most important part. It has been in the center of my mind b/c my H always made me feel guilty about me being frigid towards him. I have tried to figure it out for all these years, but I've never been able to. I was never abused or anything. Came from a wonderful family.....had a great dad, etc. So, nothing like that ever happened to make me feel the way I do.
Well, guess I have mostly "journaled" today. Thanks so much for showing that you are concerned. I don't have any close friends right now. I talked about that to my H the other night. I don't know why.....just don't have any close friends to hang out with....have fun with or anything. So, I need you all to talk with me and I appreciate it so much.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
