NOMO, you didn't reply about choosing a counselor/therapist on my post, but I do understadn as you've been very busy. Any info on how you chose one is welcome. I've been trying to find one according to DR guidelines, but can't find one within an hour that meets the requirements (type of counseling).
Second, I too am working hard on detaching. I've actually been hit on a few times recently (first time in a long time) and it felt good. After restoring a bit of my confidence and speaking with some people, I know i'm a good man and I will be able to find a good woman to love me for who I am. I also know that I will not just make thigns work with just anyone, I will find someone who's as open and willing as I am and is willing to do things like DR/DB, etc. and live similar to them to maintain a open and healthy R. (lol... I'm not going to force feed women books and R methods, but having an open minded woman who's willing to due whatever it takes to meet each others need and keep love alive.) I hope things will work out with my W, but she's stuck in the "finally being true to herself" attitude, and is letting fear and the past run her life. She's made tons of positive comments about me/us, and then talks herself right back out of it. I've been at this for 4 months like HEIM, and the worst thing right now is the limbo. She's doing nothing, incorrectly judging everything, and i'm trying my hardest not to dislike her. I've been sinking my head into every book I can find, and talking on here to make sure I cover every possible solution. It makes me feel better, boosts my confidence and mental fitness, and re-assures me that i'm doing all I can. I think speaking to a live C/T will help me with the end of this process (wherever it leads) and I hope it's back to my W. I too am doing this 70-80% for the purpose of seeing my D every day, but I think it's because i'm mad a W a lot right now.
NOMO, I have a feeling I will be walking in your shoes in the near future, I hope I can handle it with the grace and logic that you have. You are an inspiration.
P.S.- I've read DB and DR (several times), I am almost done with Marriage fitness (describes the ideal R I would like to have, but is no good, in my opinion, until both partners are willing to work on the M. He's also a bit too creative with his examples and such, but good.), I also have The 5 Languages of Love which i've read the introduction and first chapter of (Seems good so far.)
If anyone has any other suggestions, please let me know.
Me 31 W 28 D 2 1/2 Together 8 years, Friends for 13 years S Bomb fathers day 2007 Found out about EA on 07/29/07 Working on me!!!
For me, as long as I was scared that "We're gonna get divorced, we're gonna get divorced" play over and over and over in my head I couldn't detach. My identity was too bound up in my M.
This is something I read recently, someone came back and said he read lots of posts and there was a distinct lack of self.
When we met our Spouses we were our 'selves' stories of success on here seem to be when people find 'themselves' again.
Is detaching, getting back to who we really are? if so is this the whole thing about DBing?
Anyway Nomo. this just jumped out at me, bit of direct hit! (Thanks BD)
Cheers Charlie
Me 39 W 39 D8 S5 Married 13yrs Together 20years EA June 06 Ilyninlwy Jan 07 Seperated Jan 07
Don't know if DBing is about getting back to me, though that's certainly part of it. I do know that I was unhappy, both in myself and with my R with W. Kind of a chicken and the egg argument, which came first? I know that they became mutually reinforcing over the last three years.
I do know that the DBing principle of focusing on yourself (reinforced by similar statements in other R books) cut through a lot of the blame I was casting at my W and got me to take a hard look at myself. I realized that, to a certain extent, I had lost me and become more 'dad' and 'husband' than Heimlich. And that ain't good.
The STeven Covey concept of 'sharpening the saw' (continuous self-improvement) is something that I think many of us lost over the years as our marriages settled into ruts and we had kids and jobs and lives, etc. Focusing on oneself isn't selfish, it's critical to staying fresh and being able to contribute and be part of a living, growing R. What I finally realized is that if your R isn't living, growing, breathing, changing then it's dying. Being true to yourself is key to any good R.
Don't know if that makes any sense, but . . .
Getting better daily.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
