Dom--Well, no I don't idolize her. She is actually very sympathetic for me and my sitch, but has not suggested D'ing him at all. Was just sharing her path through her R. Listened to me after she opened up herself, but never told me what I should do, other than I deserve better treatment than I got. That, I agree with.

But I am glad that you checked in. I wish that there could be a way to salvage this mess that I am in, but I just can't see it right now. In order to do that, he would have to get past the damage to his ego from the realization of his actions and take responsibility for all the wrong he has done.

It is wrong to f*ck another woman while still sleeping with your wife, and lie about it the whole time. There is no grey area here.

{{{Nikki, OT, Sara, L, Morgan}}}
Thank you all for responding so quickly!! I so value the friends I have here...

I am surprised that he was actually having sex for this long--I really thought it was an emotional affair (which is damaging enough) until this year...suckered again, I guess. He kept saying that he had nothing else to lie about. I told CW's husband to look for the jewelry that was put on my credit card 2 days before Christmas. I'd like to return it and put the $ in the kids' bank account.

OK, as far as doing anything about this--I spoke with my IC. I don't just think you can get info like this and sit on it. Believe it or not, all, I am not even crying. Not a tear. No desperation. Not enraged; more angry. And yes, OT, I will set up the Dr. appt on Tues to get tested. If there are lies about this, I can't take the chance that there aren't other lies in his past, at this point. Not when your life (AIDS) could be at stake. But no, I am not going to confront him with this until I have thought long and hard about all of the ramifications.

Speaking with my IC:

She said that she almost dropped the phone when she heard the message that I left. But that, in the end, it wasn't a complete surprise. She mentioned how he showed so little concern for me when he did come to a session with me back in Feb/March, which is unusual of spouses who agree to go to a session. She also noted that he was clearly uncomfortable, and she didn't feel like he was very open to sharing anything. My IC was still in the same office with the "MC" that he saw a few times, and that therapist was convinced that there was no other person involved. So much for the experts.

She did advise me to not speak with his parents--it would only cause them more pain, and they can't do anything to help him or us right now. The truth will eventually come out, and I shouldn't be the messenger. I agree.

She also said I should not give these two people power enough to ruin my weekend away. And I don't even think it will, right now. She asked if I was relieved--no, not really. More pissed. I'm still trying to shake my head enough for this to sink in. It really did help in the detachment department, though!

IC suggested that I consider retaining an attorney on Tues. It might be a good idea. I have to be leary, though. I am still aware that he is paying WAY more than required for upkeep/child support/alimony. I feel like I may have the upper hand right now, although I hate it. But I have to protect my kids' long-term interests. Money is a necessary evil. If he discovers that I hired an attorney, he may also get one who would argue against paying more than double what is required by the state. I just can't risk that.

However, I do think that I may be able to petition the courts for him to attend counseling himself before allowing unsupervised visitation, as I don't have any idea who this guy is anymore...again, I have to go over in my head if I can afford to wait on this. It would also be alot for the kids to absorb if he suddenly disappeared from their lives with no explanation. Too much to think about all at once right now, so I'm not doing anything. He only has them for dinner next Wed, and they don't stay with him overnight until 9/7--9/9. So I have some processing time.

His mom had reminded me that depression runs in his dad's family (grandma even went through electric shock treatments back in the 50's); she thought maybe that played a role. Who the hell knows at this point?
IC said that people who are depressed are often self-destructive, and he has certainly f*cked up his life.

Why is this different? I think this crossed a line. If it did start in July 06, it was just after we came back from a family vacation with bff and her family, filled with fun, laughter, and yes, love-making (but in retrospect, what do I call that, now? I was making love...what was he doing?) And then he continued to tell me he loved me, cared for me, told me that we would get through everything that was headed our way for the coming year while I finished my Master's, etc...for another 4 months before I got the bomb. And the only reason it came out then was because of the kiss he gave me that was so empty, and I asked him what had happened. What if I never asked? If I chalked it up to pre-flight jitters? I can't imagine...