Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I ordered more books (lol) and I also got those tapes "Light His Fire", so I hope it will encourage me a lot. I used to love that kind of stuff and would do everything the books said to do! Hopefully, some of that determination will return and I can do the act "as if" thing.
When I am able to get through a day at work and come home....I am ready to collaspe. It is really hard to even fix anything to eat. In fact, I haven't been cooking.....we have either ordered out or just snacked around. He is so great about understanding and not being ugly about it like some men would and demand their cooked supper. I don't mean to blame everything on my physical condition b/c I believe our mental attitude plays a tremendous part of the physical feelings, but it is so very hard to overcome when you just don't have the energy to do anything..However, there again, when I was involved with the OM, it was like this energy came from somewhere I couldn't understand......I just wish it would do that with my H and it really bugs me that it doesn't do that. I am like those commercials on the TV where it is talking about depression and the person just sits or lays around not wanting to talk or work, etc. I have to push, push, push......for every single thing I do, and I just get so tired of it....it is hard to enjoy life when it is that way every day. I sound so whinney and I don't mean to do that....I don't know how to try to get you to understand my "feelings". I want you to know that it is more than just refusing to do it.....I have got to have a little "want to" to have the energy to do it. You know....the mind over matter thing.
At this point.....when it is me reading some whinney female's story after I have tried to give her advice and she is coming back with her "excuses"....I am ready to move on and forget about her. I suppose some will be that way toward me b/c that is how I sound! God help me! But, it is a double whammy when you are in a lot of physical pain on top of the R problem to deal with every day. I am blessed that my H does not demand things from me as I have heard a lot of men do their wives. He has been good to help around the house b/c I just can't do much. Today, I had to stay home from work due to the pain I was in. I know he must get so tired of having to live with somebody like me that is never any fun to be with anymore.
I used to be fun. I would be the one to think of things to do while we sent the kids to spend the night with the grandparents. We didn't have the money to spend on entertainment, so I had to think up our own....lol. But, it was fun and I know my H would love for me to be that way again. I get down b/c I am afaid from what I have read that i won't ever feel that good again. Today was one of those days that I had to fight the depression hard. Guess you all can tell that....huh? I need to feel my H's strength and support, but I'm not ready for the sexual touching, etc. I guess I do need C about that. Some days I could cry my eyes out....if it would do any good. I want to love him and desire his touch.....but it just doesn't seem to come. I want to act "as if"....but you see, if I do that then I know him and I know he will think it is a signal for him that everything is fine and I'm ready to have sex again....and I know what will happen. It has happen before. When he starts to touch me....I will freeze up. I won't be able to respond. He will feel the rejection and turn from me and I will feel the guilt and the wall will go up higher.
So, I don't know what to do......I sincerely don't know. I can't afford steady C at this point due to all the other medical bills. I have thought if I could just "force" myself to have sex one time that maybe that would help me to tear the wall down and I would be okay. But, I tried for years and years to tell him not to go so long between times (not having sex)b/c I knew if affected me that way, but he wouldn't listen to me. When I finally got to the place I was ready to be the wife I thought he had always dreamed of, and we were having sex and I thought was doing pretty good......he stopped cold turkey without one word of explantion....and still won't give any. So, we went eleven years without sex and I don't know why. He always blamed me for the lack of sex, but he was the one that quit.....not me. Now, I know him well enough to know he is (as usual) waiting on me....and I can't do it. It breaks my heart. But for you, my sweet friends, that advise me to just "do it"......could you just "do it" with your brother or your sister? That is what I feel like.
I'm sorry for sounding so.......yucky tonight. Lord, I hate the way I sound. It is just the same old....same old... with me all the time. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to write anything tonight since it hasn't been a good day, but I wanted you to know that I was so glad to get your responses......and Lord knows, I need them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
