Afterall...this is MY life II

[heatherg]

Or the porn could be not about you at all, which I think is much more likely. Could just be a habit that is hard to quit, KWIM?

I do know what you mean GGB. It may be hard as hell, what do I know? But I guess I don't care how hard it is.

[Cobra]

Heather,

One other question.... I can't remember if you ever said or not, but did you ever sell your truck?

[heatherg]

I suspect that porn bothers you a lot because sex is the area where you've long felt the most emotionally connected to your H. You guys struggle to find an emotional connection anywhere else but you've always had it in your sex life, and the porn leads you to question whether you've even got that. There's now nowhere in your marriage where it's just you and him, connected.

BB, you've just hit on something that I've been thinking but couldn't seem to put into words. I've been thinking about how my kids get first priority with my H's free time and his Monday and Friday night activities get second. There is no free time left for thirds. My H still acts like he can't be without the kids for two minutes and quite frankly I'm just sick of it and I've been sick of it for a really long time. I was sick of it before I had my A, which is why I left his a@@ at home all the time. But he was so involved with his kids and his alcohol that he didn't have the wherewithal to notice that his W was out sustaining her needs with the attention of other men. He still doesn't get it and I've been so hestitant to tell him straight up like this because I've never wanted to seem like I was trying to justify my A.

Sex has been the only thing we have where it's just us-it's the only connection we really have as a married couple because hell, we don't even kiss or sleep in the same bed anymore. So yeah, it hurts like hell to know I apparently don't even get that to myself.

BINGO.

[heatherg]

I can't remember if you ever said or not, but did you ever sell your truck?

No. Actually I just recently stopped renewing the AutoTrader ad. Every single person I called said my price was more than they were looking to spend even though it was priced 1500 below blue book.
I have accepted that H's truck is the family vehicle however. If we happen to be driving separately, I no longer ask the kids if they want to ride with me....I just put them in H's truck and get in my own by myself. I try to make it as small of an issue as possible and completely honor his feelings about it. It's the best I can do.

[heatherg]

Every single person I called said my price was more than they were looking to spend even though it was priced 1500 below blue book.

I meant to say "every single person that called" not "every single person I called"....I didn't call anyone to see if they wanted to buy my truck, lol.

[Burgbud]

I forgot to mention one other suggestion. I don't recommend "punishing" him for the porn at all, I recommend you just be completely yourself. But if you feel like you *gotta* punish him, do it some way that doesn't punish you as well. Don't cook dinner or wash clothes or something else you don't really care to do anyway.

Maybe you really don't feel like sleeping with him, which is fine. You say, though, that when you look at him you want to have sex, so do it and don't feel bad. Don't worry about his "punishment", or punish him in some other way. Be you.

[heatherg]

One other thing....

If you want to f#ck your husband then f#ck your husband.

Trying this sounds appealing, but then he is going to take this as 'oh good, she's over this and we can get back to normal...until she has the next mood swing anyway'. Then when we sit on the couch he will be thinking we can be cuddly and he can feel comfortable trying to solicit sex from me in his recently normal way, which is to indicate he wants it and wait for me to initiate. When I am feeling ok toward him, I don't mind this at all. However, if I just want to f#ck my H when I feel like it and I'm still not in the place where I can smile fondly upon his needs and give hugs and hold hands.....I don't want to be a 'taker'.

[Kettricken]

I've been thinking about how my kids get first priority with my H's free time and his Monday and Friday night activities get second. There is no free time left for thirds. My H still acts like he can't be without the kids for two minutes and quite frankly I'm just sick of it and I've been sick of it for a really long time. I was sick of it before I had my A, which is why I left his a@@ at home all the time. But he was so involved with his kids and his alcohol that he didn't have the wherewithal to notice that his W was out sustaining her needs with the attention of other men. He still doesn't get it and I've been so hestitant to tell him straight up like this because I've never wanted to seem like I was trying to justify my A.

Sex has been the only thing we have where it's just us-it's the only connection we really have as a married couple because hell, we don't even kiss or sleep in the same bed anymore. So yeah, it hurts like hell to know I apparently don't even get that to myself.

BINGO.

My God, woman, TELL HIM!!!!!!!! Reading your posts, I am powerfully struck by "I don't want him to get the wrong idea...", "No we haven't actually talked about this in so many words, but I believe ...." etc etc.

Given all the scar tissue and frustration, I'm sure it seems scary and impossible and maybe more revealing than you're comfortable with but TELL HIM!!!! If you can't talk about it face to face, print the above paragraph you wrote and give it to him; it's a place to start ......

Sorry, it just pains me to see you (in my perception) blundering around in a darkened room, perhaps mistaking the dog for the footstool ....

[Corri]

Heather:

Corri, what are you suggesting exactly? That my H acknowledges that his behavior hurts me, that he contineus to do it and that I do what?

Yes. And his behavior hurts you because of YOUR beliefs, not his. And he is not willing to accept your beliefs as his, so therefore... it is YOUR hurt.

I am not saying that is pretty. Or anything else. But you CAN make a decision on THAT... if you really believe in YOUR beliefs, AND you can let him have his...

But... insofar as I can see... you are not willing to do that. THAT is where the problem enters.

I will explain my rational, eventually... I am not here to frustrate you, though I can tell you are feeling that way. You can't get out of your own way to HEAR it. THAT is what I am seeking.

There is no problem here, other than what you are creating and anticipating. And THAT is the problem.

Well, that's what YOU are making it about. I'm willing to bet the farm that he doesn't see it that way.

Since I can only manage myself, what's the point of dwelling on how he may or may not see things? Remember-I'm not asking permission to feel the way I do and like I said above, H has not really stated any kind of defendable position on the issue. He's only confirmed that he can see where I'm coming from and then tried to rationalize the behavior.

The PROBLEM is, you have not made it clear to HIM, in a way HE gets it. You NOT enforcing this so called boundary of yours makes it even fuzzier for him.

THAT is the problem.

Let me ask you. When you found that 18 and Fuckable porn flick of his... what did you do with it?

Corri

[heatherg]

My God, woman, TELL HIM!!!!!!!!

He knows that I want some of his time, we used to get into heated discussions about it long before my A. He would say things like 'why can't you just be happy with the family time, why does it always have to be more for you?'.....I always felt so inCREDibly selfish for expressing what I wanted. And I've always been very frustrated and resentful because I feel like what I want is so far out of my reach while H has always seemed to live exactly the life he's wanted. I've just never wanted to directly tie it to my A because that would seem like justification. Here on the boards to an objective, emotionally unaffected person, hearing me say that probably sounds like an explanation. But to someone who was torn apart by my actions, it will sound like I am blaming HIM.


I am not saying that is pretty. Or anything else. But you CAN make a decision on THAT... if you really believe in YOUR beliefs, AND you can let him have his...

But... insofar as I can see... you are not willing to do that. THAT is where the problem enters.

Are you talking about leaving?

When you found that 18 and Fuckable porn flick of his... what did you do with it?

I put it back where I found it.