I would not give him the book, nor would I try to persuade him to go to counseling. My gut feeling, for what it's worth, is that neither would work right now. I know the feeling; we feel we want to help our spouses. We feel we can "fix" them. I don't believe that any longer. They have to work through this themselves. It hurts like crazy to feel this powerless. We are, though, really trying to do more for ourselves by thinking about giving them the book, etc. It would make us feel powerful, like we were doing something helpful rather than sitting around watching them.
But in the end, I have come to believe that is about all we can do. We must work on ourselves, and take care of ourselves. We must make ourselves the best, most desirable people we can be. That might attract our spouses back; it might not. We cannot force them back; they will have to make that choice. And we will have to make the choice of whether we want this person back, whoever they are now. We are all different people as a result of our crises. I am haunted by a line from a Bruce Springsteen song, "Will I know you? Will you know me?" None of us can say for sure, and that's frightening.
It sounds to me like he's really conflicted. I'm no mental health professional, so take this for what it may be worth, but he sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. It's just the opposite with my WAW--we communicate briefly on email about our dogs, and have had a few brief conversations about a few emotional issues, but she won't really get into the deep stuff and avoids contact most days. I'd try to let yourself distance from him, hard as that may be. He needs time to think and feel what he wants. In the end, it's really true that you cannot control someone else. You can only work on you. Try to be the best person you can be; work on improving yourself, and taking care of yourself first. What happens, happens. We cannot control them. That's a hard lesson, but a critical one for our own well being.
Try not to hang on his every word. I did that for a while with my WAW, and I still do to some extent. But, over time I'm getting better at stepping back from every little word I'm getting. I think our spouses themselves are conflicted. They say one thing one day, but may say/feel something else another. You might see that conflict, but you might not. It might be there even if you can't see it. Of course, it may not. But in a way that's my point. We really don't know, and we will drive ourselves crazy because a million different scenarios seem plausible. Each one makes sense. But which one is true? We just don't know. Take care. You have friends here, so don't hesitate to update us on your situation. We'll do the best we can for you. You are not alone.
