Yet, when I asked you what you wanted in your M, one of the things you said you wanted was your wife to be interested in your job and what you do. Which is it?
Both, for her to show some interest in my world, be that the job, what I do playing sports, what movies I’d like to see, etc. Interaction. What I don’t want is her stressing and telling what I should or shouldn’t do regarding work, but I would like a little respect from her in TRYING to understand what I do and how I do it, not to force her to become interested in some new field but to show that she wants to share my experiences. You know, the ole enmeshment stuff.
Or is she just not doing it (showing interest and concern), the way YOU want it?
That’s partly it. The boundary issue comes into play here because she might not like the way I handled something, she might not like one of the girls/women at work, so she gets too reactive and I become defensive. Rather not deal with it.
Nowhere, have you ever claimed or considered, in a way that I get, at least, that you have CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY, that YOU may be invalidating her, or that your behaviors and assumptions might be contributing... to this need of yours not being met.
Sure, I know this. I have also accepted it as a reasonable “price” to pay. I don’t close myself off to other subjects so there should be plenty of things we can talk about, especially leisure things, family things……
As I type this I remember there is a whole other side to this issue. Recall that at one time W was home schooling the kids and giving them meds (she still does this) against my wishes. Her position was and still is that if I don’t actively participate in something, like home schooling, then I have no right to say anything about it.
What she really means is that I am not supposed to have the right to interfere or take command of family matters. (There is more to this issue too and it comes directly from her father, which I will post later.) So W is the one who consciously decided not to interfere or ask anything about my job or activities in order to be consistent with her statement and therefore try to preclude me from interfering in hers affairs, such as with home schooling.
Yep, I remember that now. I told her then that argument was BS, just as it is now. I don’t mind talking to her about my affairs, though I don’t like her trying to control what I do at work. I have done a good job of providing for her and the family and I don’t like when she has tried to box me into a corner on how I should be treating others. As long as she can respect that, then no problem. But she considers her control over the kids to follow the same logic, which justifies them in her mind as being her “turf.” That logic I cannot buy. This issue over the kids was one of the bigger wedges between us. Even though she now works and the kids go to public school, she is still upset that she cannot spend more time with them, see them off in the morning, go to their class, etc. So she has resentment over this and tries to place the blame on me, which I refuse to accept.
…and if I do get close to exposing this... YOU will deflect again, and go on and give me yet another reason why you can't consider changing YOUR behavior.
