You kind of proved my point, right there. You didn't find sexual-validation while married. You had to get out of your M and date to do it. And I am not saying that sexual validation was the reason your M ended... I'm just saying... you've been dating.
Well, I think it was dead wrong of me to date for sexual validation and I don't plan on continuing to do it. Actaully, I don't need to continue to do it. Really what I was doing was playing out the Schnarchian Bar Scenario post-marriage. I now know exactly why I wasn't able to play out the Schnarchian bar scenario within my marriage. This is going to sound simplistic but really it's kind of deep - I don't like picking up men at bars for sex.
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How much of a choice did you feel you had in your M? How many people who are still in their M's feel they have a choice? Of the M's that HAVE improved on this board, how many got to that point out of choice?
I think it's pretty clear that NOP was giving MrsNOP a straight-forward choice to make when resolving their issues. He didn't treat her like an invalid china doll who was incapable of changing her behavior or making her own choices. I think the reason he was able to do this was he had a clear vision of what his preference was. He wanted to be having emotionally connected sex within a committed relationship preferably with the woman to whom he was married. He didn't have some pessimistic vision of himself as an aged playboy barhopping or living in a trailer park with an 18 year old nympho or alone in the woods getting by on tantric MB. If he had he wouldn't have been able to maintain his resolve.
My situation was different because so many things were bad even my pessimistic post-divorce vision started to look relatively appealing or at least definitely worth the risk. However, what I have learned with hindsight is 20/20 vision is that what I coulda/shoulda done was started to live (enact boundaries, reveal my preferences) within my seriously flawed marriage as if I was living within my ideal marriage not just my ideal sex life. I'm sure you would agree with me that every soul who shows up on this BB saying "My marriage is great except for the sex." is clueless, clueless, clueless. If you can't talk openly with your spouse about sex, desire, love, your relationship, your preferences and choices that need to be made regarding these issues then your marriage is rife with fusion and s*cks like a lemon.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
If you are someone married and doing what they can to stay that way. If you are not getting your sexual validation from your partner, the choices you have all go against something in your make-up, so it is a matter of choosing the path that makes you least unhappy.
If you posted your portrait on Match.com, do you think you would get positive responses from women to whom you would be attracted? If you answer "Yes" you just sexually validated yourself. Wasn't real tough was it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Not really sure. I'm a bald middle-aged guy. At least I'm no longer fat. I've gotten into a regular routine at the Y every 3 days which has put me in the best physical shape I've ever been in. It isn't often I see women checking me out..actually pretty rare. So, I suspect that I may not get many positive responses from women I'd be attracted to.
GGB, REALLY? No one checks you out? I think you don’t possess the skillsto notice OW checking you out. BTW, I don’t either. I bet they do check you out in their own way.
The reason I think your picture on any dating site would draw attention is just look at all the mis-matched looking couples at stores and on TV reality programs.
I have some feelings like I wouldn’t attract a lot of attention but bet I am wrong too. Being in a one-down position doesn’t help your M GGB.
I feel I am just as good or not any worse than most of the average looking people. If someone else average looking is with someone, it will happen to me too.
I suspect that I may not get many positive responses from women I'd be attracted to. I bet that is what the women your age also say.
GGB, there is a lot more to attraction than first looks.
So, I suspect that I may not get many positive responses from women I'd be attracted to.
Okay, I guess I didn't really think it through. Women aren't really that picky about looks and women rarely blatantly check men out especially if they're giving off a married vibe. Also, women don't generally respond directly to portraits. They respond to your response to their portrait combined with your portrait. So do you think if you used all your masculine charms you could get a woman you find attractive to say "Yes" to a date with you? If you say "Yes" you just validated yourself. If you say "What masculine charms?" it's pretty clear what you need to work on in your marriage. You can practice on me if you like. Just remember Pat the Bunny/ Spank the Monkey but don't be too blatant.
I am currently working on my feminine charms. I have decided that it probably isn't very charming to say "Are you hitting on me?" to verify whether a man is attracted to you or "I don't want to take your stuff." in response to the offer of a gift.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
GGB, there is a lot more to attraction than first looks.
Unfortunately, although people aren't generally ultra-picky, there is a certain level of chemical attraction that must be present and this will be evident within scant minutes of meeting somebody. The sure sign that somebody isn't attracted to you on this basic level is that they won't be able to look you in the eye for very long and they will fidget. One man I met was not attracted to me at that level. I wasn't attracted to him either so our date lasted about 10 minutes. Surprisingly it wasn't that invalidating. Not everybody is everybody's type.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
OK, I'll buy that. What is it women are first attracted to? I suspect maybe it is a confident manner rather than looks alone. To be honest, I really don't know if I'd attract women. It's not like I've gotten hit on in a long long time, and I haven't been exactly out trolling either. When I was in college/high school I didn't have a lot of luck with the ladies, but I think now that it was because I was trying too hard.
What constitutes, in your mind, a woman "checking you out?" Could those just be the way MEN do it? Do you know how a woman expresses attraction to a man?
I know I was a bit surprised at some of the things women do, and then was even more surprised when I started seeing it happen all the time (not necessarily to me).
It is validating in a way Mojo, but it can also be a source of pain and resentment if you let yourself get into the "well why isn't my W showing interest if complete strangers have no problem with it?" frame of mind.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
That probably came across more "smarmy" than I meant it to, I was writing it too fast.
I guess the thing is that there really aren't many hard and fast rules for how people show attraction, unless of course you are in a controlled setting (like a club or bar) in which the women are there expressly for the purpose of "playing the game." Any of the normal clues can easily be caused by something other than attraction, and any of the things that one might think would NOT be signs of attraction can be. For example, Mojo's statement about lack of eye contact and fidgeting could easily be attraction that is causing excessive shyness ... or it could be "get away from me you toad." I think the only clear way to discern is to notice patterns of behavior, escalation, or if you actively try to tweak the attraction and get obvious responses.
Two of the usual signs are proximity and a need to physically touch you. If you're walking around and you are constantly noticing the same woman near you in your field of view, chances are ... But of course if the woman isn't feeling good about how she looks, her attraction could cause her to try to get out of your field of view.
Anyway, my convoluted point is that you could be VERY wrong about your attractiveness. And if you aren't actively aware of the possible signs and looking for it, you could easily miss it. Of course obviously looking around to see if women are finding you attractive is not attractive. LOL
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
OK, I'll buy that. What is it women are first attracted to? I suspect maybe it is a confident manner rather than looks alone. To be honest, I really don't know if I'd attract women. It's not like I've gotten hit on in a long long time, and I haven't been exactly out trolling either. When I was in college/high school I didn't have a lot of luck with the ladies, but I think now that it was because I was trying too hard.
I don't really think you can try too hard. I think you can just get it wrong over and over again. When I put up my profile on one site, one middle-aged guy sent me an e-mail that started with him addressing me as "Angel Eyes" and got even worse over the course of several paragraphs. The same day a 23 year old sent me an e-mail that was in direct response to a not blatant monkey line I had put in my profile and in just a couple polite/funny/confident sentences signaled that he understood my sexuality, knew how to f*ck and thought I was "cute." I was kind of shocked to be hit on by such a youngster in that manner but then I thought about it and realized that I knew (quite well) boys in their teens who could signal in that manner when I was a girl.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
