Nomopo's Thread - Is something happening to me?

[Heimlich]

Nomo,

This makes sense, but I would say you can't truly detach (or fully detach) until you either conclude (1) it is not viable to save the M or (2) you (the LBS) don't want to save the M.

I don't think this is quite right. I'll try to explain. If you conclude either one or two, you're done. There is no hope.

I think it's unlikely that my M will be saved, however, I still would like to and would be willing to work with my W to do so. I still believe that a M with my W is viable. However, I consider myself detached. I have accepted that my W is only that in a legal sense at the moment. She's a friend, nothing more now. Accepting this is not the same as giving up. To me, detachment came when the fear left. Really, we have lost our marriages. They are over. We are clinging to a dead R in the hopes of growing a new one from it's ashes. For me, as long as I was scared that "We're gonna get divorced, we're gonna get divorced" play over and over and over in my head I couldn't detach. My identity was too bound up in my M. What I've realized is that I'm me, whether in or out of a R with my W.

Let go of the fear. Accept that it may end in D -- really accept that, don't just nod in that fact's general direction. Begin to live your life for you -- and your kids. Really believe that you'll be OK, that you don't need your W. Let her go. She's already gone. None of that means she won't come back, but living in the fear that she'll leave is pointless, I realized. She's gone.

Sorry, that was pretty much a mental dump. It's hard for me to articulate this particular point because I'm still grappling with how I got here, mentally. Hope that helps.

BD