I am so sorry about this latest punch to the gut...it just totally s*cks to receive this kind of information at all, but especially from a 3rd party, and especially in this way. Who knows...could be he's lying and she's lying and the real truth is something different yet. And it surely seems that CW's H could have found out the info he needed without burdening you with this 'extra juicy nugget'.
However, I don't know that confronting H about it will serve you any purpose other than to engage in another black trip down the destructive R path with him. He's lied and been deceptive to you; you both know this. (And he will likely know you know this latest crap, even without you saying a word to him) and may even be looking for more drama from you on this.
Why open yourself up to more of his self-serving, hurtful justifications for his actions? When and why it began may, at this point, almost be beyond the point, unless you intend to prove something for legal purposes. Maybe the big 180 here would be to hold your head high and walk right past this train wreck, literally and figuratively.
I'm thinking of you...hope you can have a good time with your kids at the shore this weekend...
I do sympathize, btw...I am starting to wonder if h has been with ow longer than he told me. maybe not a full blown affair, but I'm wondering if he might have had a fling with her on a business trip. who knows. but it doesn't really change anything one way or the other.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
sorry about your shock relevation. like someone said though.. either way, he's still an adulterer and a liar. so dont let it get to you.
Speaking of "getting to you",though..
your friend sounds like a minor variation on a WAW. Yet you seem to almost idolize her. If you're looking for people to tell you "divorce the bum", then I'm sure you'll have no difficulty finding them. We often find exactly what we choose to look for.
You comment on your imagining that people have been "placed in your path for a purpose". I think it's more accurate that we draw out from people, what we are looking for, ourselves.
In my opinion, your friend suffered through a great deal.. but still took the easy way out, while giving the appearance of "doing the right thing".
Why do I say this?
"She even offered a temp sep if he went to counseling. He asked if she could guarentee that they would get back together. She said no, so he said no."
it is a very natural thing for someone (especially men) to ask for some kind of guarantee of "If I do all this hard work, will I actually see a 'return on my investment'?"
She COULD have said, "Well, I guarantee that if you actually DO all the things the counsellor suggests, then we will get back together". But she chose not to. I'm guessing that she was just as afraid of facing the possibility of a reformed husband and having to forgive him, as he was of doing all the work for nothing.
I dont think your friend should be admired for that.
Speaking as a man, I can almost "guarantee" that if she had responded as i mentioned above, that her husband would have gone to counselling. As a woman, you may not believe that. But as a man, I can assure you otherwise. A man doesnt ask that kind of question unless he's thinking like that.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom--Well, no I don't idolize her. She is actually very sympathetic for me and my sitch, but has not suggested D'ing him at all. Was just sharing her path through her R. Listened to me after she opened up herself, but never told me what I should do, other than I deserve better treatment than I got. That, I agree with.
But I am glad that you checked in. I wish that there could be a way to salvage this mess that I am in, but I just can't see it right now. In order to do that, he would have to get past the damage to his ego from the realization of his actions and take responsibility for all the wrong he has done.
It is wrong to f*ck another woman while still sleeping with your wife, and lie about it the whole time. There is no grey area here.
{{{Nikki, OT, Sara, L, Morgan}}} Thank you all for responding so quickly!! I so value the friends I have here...
I am surprised that he was actually having sex for this long--I really thought it was an emotional affair (which is damaging enough) until this year...suckered again, I guess. He kept saying that he had nothing else to lie about. I told CW's husband to look for the jewelry that was put on my credit card 2 days before Christmas. I'd like to return it and put the $ in the kids' bank account.
OK, as far as doing anything about this--I spoke with my IC. I don't just think you can get info like this and sit on it. Believe it or not, all, I am not even crying. Not a tear. No desperation. Not enraged; more angry. And yes, OT, I will set up the Dr. appt on Tues to get tested. If there are lies about this, I can't take the chance that there aren't other lies in his past, at this point. Not when your life (AIDS) could be at stake. But no, I am not going to confront him with this until I have thought long and hard about all of the ramifications.
Speaking with my IC:
She said that she almost dropped the phone when she heard the message that I left. But that, in the end, it wasn't a complete surprise. She mentioned how he showed so little concern for me when he did come to a session with me back in Feb/March, which is unusual of spouses who agree to go to a session. She also noted that he was clearly uncomfortable, and she didn't feel like he was very open to sharing anything. My IC was still in the same office with the "MC" that he saw a few times, and that therapist was convinced that there was no other person involved. So much for the experts.
She did advise me to not speak with his parents--it would only cause them more pain, and they can't do anything to help him or us right now. The truth will eventually come out, and I shouldn't be the messenger. I agree.
She also said I should not give these two people power enough to ruin my weekend away. And I don't even think it will, right now. She asked if I was relieved--no, not really. More pissed. I'm still trying to shake my head enough for this to sink in. It really did help in the detachment department, though!
IC suggested that I consider retaining an attorney on Tues. It might be a good idea. I have to be leary, though. I am still aware that he is paying WAY more than required for upkeep/child support/alimony. I feel like I may have the upper hand right now, although I hate it. But I have to protect my kids' long-term interests. Money is a necessary evil. If he discovers that I hired an attorney, he may also get one who would argue against paying more than double what is required by the state. I just can't risk that.
However, I do think that I may be able to petition the courts for him to attend counseling himself before allowing unsupervised visitation, as I don't have any idea who this guy is anymore...again, I have to go over in my head if I can afford to wait on this. It would also be alot for the kids to absorb if he suddenly disappeared from their lives with no explanation. Too much to think about all at once right now, so I'm not doing anything. He only has them for dinner next Wed, and they don't stay with him overnight until 9/7--9/9. So I have some processing time.
His mom had reminded me that depression runs in his dad's family (grandma even went through electric shock treatments back in the 50's); she thought maybe that played a role. Who the hell knows at this point? IC said that people who are depressed are often self-destructive, and he has certainly f*cked up his life.
Why is this different? I think this crossed a line. If it did start in July 06, it was just after we came back from a family vacation with bff and her family, filled with fun, laughter, and yes, love-making (but in retrospect, what do I call that, now? I was making love...what was he doing?) And then he continued to tell me he loved me, cared for me, told me that we would get through everything that was headed our way for the coming year while I finished my Master's, etc...for another 4 months before I got the bomb. And the only reason it came out then was because of the kiss he gave me that was so empty, and I asked him what had happened. What if I never asked? If I chalked it up to pre-flight jitters? I can't imagine...
It is wrong to f*ck another woman while still sleeping with your wife, and lie about it the whole time. There is no grey area here.
oh, i think you could put it even plainer than that
- it is wrong to have sex with another woman while still married. end it right there, and it says plenty enough. Endangering your life, plus lying about it, are just icing on the cake.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
{{{mk}}} Sorry I missed you in the earlier post. I really don't have any sympathy for CW at all. The woman told me to my face that she wanted my M to work, that she wanted to help me, was in my house, etc... I can't even get into all of the evil she has done.
Not that H is innocent. His actions are what ultimately brought us here. I have to look back at everything, now, and see what REAL role I may have played in the downfall of this M. There may be some bits and pieces of truth that he told me, but most of it was his own self-protection from his guilt, blaming me for it all.
I am at my friend's house, and she has just been there with ears and hugs. There really isn't anything else that anyone can do. So, I vented. The kids went right back to sleep when we arrived, so I had some time to get it all out. Now, I feel like I can put it to rest and just enjoy myself here.
The house we are staying in is beautiful, and they have two doggies that the kids are looking forward to visiting with. We will get up and make some breakfast, go swimming in the pool, then maybe to the beach later in the afternoon, if it warms up. Sunday is at the campground, which is also on the beach. So, it should be a good weekend.
Unless I get hit with yet ANOTHER bomb to my life (was it really just 4 days ago that I was in court? 3 days ago sitting with my IC?), I won't be on until sometime Monday. I hope that you all have a DRAMA-FREE weekend. God knows I could use one.
She may have meant it. Movie analogy... In Woody Allen's Hannah and Her Sisters. Hannah's youngest sister, Leah, has an affair with her H. The sister falls in love with him but still loves her sister and regrets their affair and hopes they do work it out. They reconcile and Leah moves on with another man. Probably a fantasy but it shows that the OP is remorseful for the mistaken affair.
I think if we humanize the OP it makes them seem less powerful somehow.
I noticed you mention a lot of these problems arised at the time you were getting your Master's. Me, too. Congrats to you on that. Do you think there is a correlation? Studying is intense past college age with kids and such. Plus, there is jealousy, etc. Is your H also educated?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I'd rather not think about her at all (someday, I may be able to do that).
I slept like crap last night. Woke up at 10:30 after a series of very dramatic, very Shakespearean-tragic dreams. Colin Farrel/and or H (it switched) was the tragic lead, a prince who goes off the deep end and goes from loving his W to trying to kill her, making love to her, then chasing after her, telling her that he doesn't want her. She stands, dares him to hit her. He gets close a few times, then finally does it, punching her in the face. She takes it, over and over until she passes out. It is mostly bits and pieces, now, but it ran over and over with ever-more violent and modern day scenes. His parents were the parents, trying to save everything. The son was the one who finally intervened, stopping the lead and killing him. Good thing my S is only 12.
Just wanted to get that out of my head. Ever wake up in the middle of the night, and your limbs just feel like lead? I have been up for an hour, and I still feel like that, with a pickled brain. We have to go out!!
Well, at least when you are awake, you have more control of your thoughts (marginally).
Wow! What a dream!! And so close to your reality!! I once learned a dream interpretation technique where you talk to each character in the dream and ask them what they are saying. According to that dream method, every character in the dream is you. They all have something to tell you, and you need to figure it out. I never remember the dreams clearly enough to do this. Maybe you do.
Have a great weekend. You need to leave all that sh#t behind and relax.
