Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

[MJontheMend]

You kind of proved my point, right there. You didn't find sexual-validation while married. You had to get out of your M and date to do it. And I am not saying that sexual validation was the reason your M ended... I'm just saying... you've been dating.

Well, I think it was dead wrong of me to date for sexual validation and I don't plan on continuing to do it. Actaully, I don't need to continue to do it. Really what I was doing was playing out the Schnarchian Bar Scenario post-marriage. I now know exactly why I wasn't able to play out the Schnarchian bar scenario within my marriage. This is going to sound simplistic but really it's kind of deep - I don't like picking up men at bars for sex.

How much of a choice did you feel you had in your M? How many people who are still in their M's feel they have a choice? Of the M's that HAVE improved on this board, how many got to that point out of choice?

I think it's pretty clear that NOP was giving MrsNOP a straight-forward choice to make when resolving their issues. He didn't treat her like an invalid china doll who was incapable of changing her behavior or making her own choices. I think the reason he was able to do this was he had a clear vision of what his preference was. He wanted to be having emotionally connected sex within a committed relationship preferably with the woman to whom he was married. He didn't have some pessimistic vision of himself as an aged playboy barhopping or living in a trailer park with an 18 year old nympho or alone in the woods getting by on tantric MB. If he had he wouldn't have been able to maintain his resolve.

My situation was different because so many things were bad even my pessimistic post-divorce vision started to look relatively appealing or at least definitely worth the risk. However, what I have learned with hindsight is 20/20 vision is that what I coulda/shoulda done was started to live (enact boundaries, reveal my preferences) within my seriously flawed marriage as if I was living within my ideal marriage not just my ideal sex life. I'm sure you would agree with me that every soul who shows up on this BB saying "My marriage is great except for the sex." is clueless, clueless, clueless. If you can't talk openly with your spouse about sex, desire, love, your relationship, your preferences and choices that need to be made regarding these issues then your marriage is rife with fusion and s*cks like a lemon.