My H left me and moved out last Sunday after a few months of already struggling in our R. We are having a Coffe Place/Bar together, which we opened in January this year after only 8 Months of R. We were big time in Love and everyone of us was very much into the R, him and my Daughter (8) got along really well. He was moving in with us afeter one week of R. (single Mom symptom, I hardly got to leave the house nighttimes during the week)
Our Bar is a full success - although we're not earning enough Money with it up to now.
Now we stuck together everyday from morning till nite basically everyday - private and on business. He never reacted to any of my ideas, I started nagging, we started to be really hurtful to each other and to always do "more of the same"..... I got to realize that last weekend - but it was too late. He came home after taking two days off - and told me it's over. He fell in love with ANOTHER WOMAN. (been meeting her since 4 weeks). And that this would be a definite sign for him that he WOULD NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE.
I went mad and all that first. I felt so HURT. But after calming dowmn for a few days, I read Micheles Book again and will be starting to see a SBT-Therapist on Monday.
Today, when I occassionally met him at work, I already felt lots better, coz I started doing a 180. Being friendly, no crying etc. But then his phone rang, and he went outside - which he never does. It was the other woman. I felt it. No doubt. When he came back in, he was pretty nervous. Already before, he had cancelled our Business-date, which we were supposed to have tonite. Said after working on my shifts for the entire week, he needed a break. Now I know he will be seing her tonite.
My Question: How do I act NOW? I can do 180s and all that stuff, changing me and everything. But the Affair is NEW. I can't change anything in that point.
But WHAT can I do? Be friendly? Ask him: how was your nite off, when I see him tomorrow? (and we'll be seing each other basically everyday)
PLEASE HELP Me on that one! All the other points I seem to have already figured out, after reading DB yesterday...
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR IDEAS!!!!! Hope to read from you sooooonest,
I got to realize that last weekend - but it was too late.
Nanah-
Welcome to this lovely place. I'm sorry you're here. First off, please try everything not to say.....It was too late....again. We've all looked back at what we've done wrong in our R's and thought it was too late. You're lucky in my opinion because you found Michele & her work so quickly. It took me a LONG time before I found her. That was 6 years ago. My H had a full on PA. I got all the comments......I don't think I love you anymore.....the OW makes me feel alive......blah, blah, blah. I heard the most hurtful things and I thought I'd never survive. We made it and have had a wonderful R. It's been rough since our D3 was born....we've moved, H wasn't working....lost some family members...etc. I'm here now because my H appears to be having an EA at the very least. He doesn't handle rough times very well. Your situation is unique, as you are always around him. Hopefully someone on the board can help you with that part.
I just want to say.....welcome......we're here for you. There are a lot of incredibly wise people here. Trust me, I've gotten good thoughts and had my mood boosted a lot.
Use this site to ask questions, vent, journal....whatever you need.
Have you thought of calling a DB? I lived in IL (close to Michele's office there) during the last time. I went to see a coach & he was wonderful.......straight forward, no bs. I loved it.
Please hold on & keep strong.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
many thanks for your reply! I am very glad I found this site and I am basically lingering for answers from people who already sufferd from the experience I am going through right now..... It feels so good to be understood... Most of my friends are just able to give me pityful words - but that is not what I need.... I need to feel active - having been an active part of my love-relationship and continuing business-relationship with him.
I think these are actually the best conditions to get re-started, as we will be continuing seing each other mostly everyday. So there is chance for initiating change and seing some sort of progress sooner and better than after all my former relationships. Having a common business is even "worse" than having a child...
So I feel very lively to change things - even though the bomb just recently went up....
Got a date with an SBT therapist on Monday. (I'm living in germany and there are no special DB COnsultants) And I am so much looking forward to it!!!
Would though be pleased to get hints on how to deal with EAs as sooooooon as possible!
If he were truly just a colleague, you would ask about his time off, but that is not the case. So, do not bring it up at all. If he was with the OW on his night off, he will of course not want to talk about it in any way.
If by some chance he was not with her, then he will want to tell you every bit of his day so that you will know he was not with her.
Remember that a large part of the excitement of an affair is that it is 'verboten.' When it is clear that you know about it but do not scream and yell and cry about it, it becomes less interesting. Then, once the newness of the relationship wears off, he may find that she is not so wonderful after all.
I think Sue was talking about calling a telephone consultant. The number is right at the top of this page. You call for an appointment, and then consult at the appointed time over the phone. I have not done it and so I cannot comment on whether it is expensive or if it is worth the money.
My3sons, this was exactly what I was thinking about maybe doing. I could tell him though that I had a really good night, when I see him tomrrow. Or is that a bad idea? Am I putting him under too much pressure if I do so?
We went to a counsellor on tuesday where we fixed how we should continue on a business basis.
Weekly meeting to talk about business, making plans. And then she gave us the advice to go and play Squash together once a week. Away from the business, away from home. Spent time "moving" not talking for one hour a week. And then again he will be still taking care of my girl while I am working night-shifts 2 times a week.
Best chance for a 180 and doing nothing more of "the same" - dont you think? Best chance not to talk about EA.
But what if I occassionally meet him with her???? That is a point which I haven't quite figured out... Thanks a lot for your support!
If you say "I had a great day" then the implied question is "How was yours?" whether you say it or not.
If there was a specific "nice moment" with your daughter, or something funny on television, you could mention that specific thing.
Yes, best not to mention the affair or the other woman at all. If you do happen to meet them somewhere, then the most mature thing to do is to introduce yourself (if he doesn't introduce you). Refer to yourself as his "business partner" since that is true and likely to be least awkward for everyone.
I'm sure that you would prefer to scratch out her eyes, but that is not helpful.
I just came home from my "night out" which I spent at my own bar (first night this week, not working) As I will be working tomorrow night, I thought it was a good idea to get back to things on the other side of the bar. Everything was fine till some friends who heard about our separation came in. As soon as they hugged me, I fell into tears. And I can't stop crying till now. It feels so good to have friends. But it feels bad to realize having neglected them while the R.
I know his is with this OP. And that does NOT make things a lot easier.
And I get so angry with myself - having known about DBing for 8 years now and NOT having discovered my doing "all of the same" during this past one year with H....
But maybe being together from morning till nighttime on ALL levels was taking my view off the important things... being financially so dependent - I have never experienced this in my life before.... And he just DID NOT TALK.... I got so involved in solving HIS problems - especially, when he started drinking so much in the past weeks.... that I forgot about mine...
My BIG hope is - and I know that I can tell it here, but everybody who has never been DBing won't understand and would tell me to "let go"... My BIG hope is, that we will be spending so much time together, that she'll say: Forget about it.
He will be: -Babysitting my daughter one to two times a week - going Squashing with me one time a week - seing me everyday - regarding the common business and: I told him if he EVER shows up with her in our place, he can forget about EVERYTHING. (was that to tough? IIIIIII don't think so....) But as our place is THE place where he spends most of his time and she will not be able to see him there, I think THAT already will kind of make a LACK in their relationship.
On top of that, his entire (big) family is so sorry for what happened, that it will be more than HARD for him to introduce her - if it should ever come to that point....
So basically I see my chances in the further possibility of seing him regularly and doing a nice and slow 180....
Be careful, Absence makes the heart grow fonder...You can't make him not see her he needs to not want to see her. It's like telling the kids you can't have candy. They only want it more.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
