Get used to the rollercoaster ride; I'm still on it, but it does get "better," if I can use that word. The pain is always there, but it helps immensely to follow siren's advice that the only person you can work on now is yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself, no matter how strong the temptation is to simply blame your H. Michele put it best, as far as I've seen after reading dozens of books this summer, when she wrote that the problem is not that your spouse makes you unhappy, it's the way you interact. You (and I) are part of that equation, and it won't ever get better unless we own our part of the problems. You must remember that you want a new, better marriage. The old one is dead. Reconciliation without the hard work will fail. So roll up your sleeves and get busy!
I feel most spouses who drop the bomb (I feel this is true for my wife now, and probably is for spouse too) feel victimized (and they are if we are honest with ourselves), but can't yet see that they too played a role in the problems. It may take a long, long time for someone to get to that place, if they ever do. You can't control if/when they get there, so for now all you've got is yourself to examine and change. Remember that the changes you make are for yourself, no matter what happens. You cannot change just to get him back. Your changes must be real, and deep, and for yourself. Hopefully we will find ways to "attract" our spouses back. I'm convinced that's the only way. We can't force them back through pressure, guilt, or anything else. They will make a decision for themselves, as will we. We will have to decide as well whether we want them back. Everyone is/will be a different person as a result of this, maybe in ways they aren't aware of, and that's scary.
A very useful exercise I did a few weeks back is to write out (yes, write it out!) what you feel you can GIVE to a relationship, and what you NEED from a relationship. The lists may well mirror each other. You cannot have all your needs met by another person, but clearly a healthy relationship will meet many of them. I beat myself up pretty hard when I looked at all the ways I failed to give. But, and here was the key part in many ways, I also saw how my W didn't meet many of my core needs. For a while I bought into her paradigm of it all being my fault. Don't lose sight of that--you and I made many mistakes if we're honest with ourselves. But I've come to see that it's more complicated than that. I still think my W is in the "I'm the victim" paradigm, but unless you both explore how you failed to meet the other's needs a reconciliation, I feel, is going to fail. You will go back for the sake of going back, (if that chance comes) because it might feel better in the short run, but the foundation of a good relationship involves meeting your partner's needs and having your needs met. Now, if your H doesn't EVER see or acknowledge his role in failing to meet your needs, that's a serious problem. But, if that proves to be true, you/I need to ask ourselves the hard question of whether we really want to be with that person. Our spouses deserve better from us, but we deserve better from them. So, own your mistakes, but also dig inside to figure out what you need from him and be patient. Hopefully you will get to a point where you can talk about that. My W and I aren't there by any means, and it's damn frustrating. The road to a better marriage, if it exists, seems to get longer and harder the more I read, write, and talk to people.
Don't give up; try to avoid self-pity and practice all the DB techniques Michele writes about. There's not a lot we can do right now to change them; they need to change themselves and we need to change ourselves. Above all, DO NOT pressure him or try to guilt him back. If there's one rule that stands out from all the others I've read about, this is it. It's so hard because our pain is so great, but I agree that it will only drive them further away. Somehow I avoided this even before I started to read that it was a must. Perhaps my conflict-averse personality kicked in right at the start (I understand that part of myself better now) and saved me from blowing up in her face after she dropped the bomb. You MUST find a way to do the same. If you do make this mistake, you need to find a way to avoid it in the future. We all slip up, so don't worry too much about your mistakes and resolve to change the future. That's all we can do.
Instead, vent your hurt to yourself and your family and friends. Try journal writing. I've never done it until now, and I have written close to 300 pages since June. I take notes on what looks like good advice and let my feelings (both positive and negative) out. The other stuff Michele and others say really does help--take up a new hobby, meet some new people (no dating!), join a new organization. I joined a new church two weeks after the bomb exploded. I went on instinct, and it has been one of the two or three best things I've done all summer. Regardless of what happens to W and I, I have found a home that I have needed for a long time. The frustrating thing is I know the W and I would enjoy this together!
Take care of yourself physically, too. Exercise helps not just physically but mentally too. Don't just sit and brood, as tempting as that may be.
Reach out to friends and family in new ways. We are often hesitant to do so out of guilt or shame at our situation, but people will be so kind if you just let them. They may not need to know every detail (and probably shouldn't), but people generally are ready to help in ways that have truly astounded me. I feel so grateful for the wonderful surprises that have come my way from friends and family. I am closer to them as a result. That is a benefit no matter what the future holds.
Finally, consider finding a therapist if you don't have one. My wife asked me to go to a therapist for myself (not couples therapy; we probably should have been doing that but I suppose I would have refused until now) over the years, but I refused. Big mistake. No matter what happens with you and your H, if you find a good therapist you WILL be better off for it. Ask family and friends to recommend one. Finding my therapist has been a real blessing for me, no matter what happens to W and I.
I'm sorry you and I and others are in this boat. These boards are a real help. Is MLC part of the issue? Read up on that and anything else that is part of your situation. Gaining knowledge about your situation will help. Remember, your H is probably in a lot of hurt too, despite what outward appearances might seem. Take care.
