Dave-- Just wanted to stop in and commend you on being so patient and aware of what is going on with your sitch. I hope that I can become better at the analysis that you (Nomo, as well) are so skilled at.
I forgot to mention that there is a wild card in all this theory and thats the OM. Where he is at in her life right now I have no idea. She still sees him at work at least.
W called today and spent some time at home with D , I took S out for some fun and later we had dinner together ( I made it ) . Then D went with W to stay the night with her. W was quite subdued , seemed to enjoy her time here but certainly not herself, shes been like this for a couple of days now. I wonder whats getting her down but am not about to start guessing.
I agree , I am learning every day , trying small things without doing anything that would be seen as too much pressure.
I kind of have a handle on where W is right now , due in some part to what she has said from time to time and from being observant.
You do seem to have a handle on the whole DB experience Dave. It looks like you have a real feel for when to add something new, when to engage a little & the most important probably, when to back away.
Since our R's look like they have a lot of similarities, I like to check out what's happening on the other side of the world with yours to get insight.
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I forgot to mention that there is a wild card in all this theory and thats the OM. Where he is at in her life right now I have no idea.
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W was quite subdued , seemed to enjoy her time here but certainly not herself, shes been like this for a couple of days now. I wonder whats getting her down but am not about to start guessing
Yes, better to let it some out on it's own time than to risk undoing the positive strides you've worked for.
Dont know about that , Have made my share of mistakes along the way. Right now I pretty much stopped worrying about what she is thinking , up to etc. Occasionaly something pops up that hits you like a ton of bricks but i get through those set backs much quicker these days. I actualy enjoy my life again more than I have for a long time , then I am fortunate in that I have my kids living with me , I realy feel for those who have moved out. I also enjoy every day as this situation is fragile and W could force some major changes if and when she wants to pursue a formal separation agreement. Here in NZ we have to wait 2yrs to divorce but can split assets and formally separate at any time.
I am thinking about getting an agreement prepared along the lines of what she has told me what she wants and at the first hint of a downturn get it signed up while we are reasonably amicable. At this stage she will not go for full custody or any of my toys. I will probably procrastinate on this for a while yet.
I can honestly say that I am at the stage where I am hanging in there for my kids. If it was not for them I probably would have had enough by now.
Patience is what I need more of right now . I think I will spin some Willie Nelson on the turntable and mellow out a bit.
Over the last few days contact between W and me has been limited. I sense she is feeling a little uneasy in my presence for some reason. Thats no worry as her uneasyness I suspect has more to do with her own feelings and thoughts than any action by me. I have noted that she asked to talk to me the other night on the phone and is happy to chat away. I had to phone her yesterday to discuss S16 and again we had a nice relaxed conversation.
So this is all good , I have been using the words our and we a little more as well and this also seems to be reflected back.
I am in a pretty good place myself right now , I no longer let fear get involved in any decisions I make . I can see now how over the last few years that when our R was deteriorating , fear of the consequences probably let to some poor decisions that only made the situation worse.
If there is one message I would give to anyone reading this is to let go of your fear and just do whats right and whats going to help obtain your goal no matter what that goal is. And your goal can change throughout this process.
I honestly do not think that I could have fully embraced this way of thinking unless we separated and as It was said by GD I think this could have been a great gift from my W.
If at some stage she chooses to give us another chance then I know its going to be quite a different relationship than we had before.
But there is no way of rushing this process , W has to see the changes I have made and also have faith that they are permanent. Then she needs to decide if she wants to be with me , then deal with her issues so that she feels safe to come back. She has the hardest road to follow right now.
I thought about writing her a letter but dont think I will , I think that by getting on with my life , being happy I can show her that I dont need her in my life , but can do little things that show her that I want her.
Dave, You are on the right path. I would just "be still" for now. No need to push her when she is searching for her path. Just be there to validate when she needs someone to listen. SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
But there is no way of rushing this process , W has to see the changes I have made and also have faith that they are permanent.
These words rang very true to me right now. It really comes down to us doing these things, making these changes that we know we need to make for our own lives to be more fulfilling down the road. If our WAS (either literally or, as in my sitch still, figuratively) ultimately make a choice to trust in us and start walking back toward us, then so much the better!!
But I think that for people like you and me...who have such long histories with our WAS, it is likely a very long, very slow journey. So many years of building up hurts (both real and imagined) that even if our WAS have times where they think they may want to start walking back, it really can seem like an overwhelming task.
I guess that's where time and patience continue to be our friends...although I must admit, some days i don't know if what i'm practicing is patience or insanity
I hope you have a great weekend...we have a long Labor Day weekend coming up, so should be a good relaxing time.
Thanks for looking in, hows things going for you ?
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But I think that for people like you and me...who have such long histories with our WAS, it is likely a very long, very slow journey.
That is so true. Right now my sitch is in limbo , W has backed off from insisting we proceed with a formal separation for now.
I had an interesting weekend. Ihad a bit of a party on friday night and had some friends around, it went real well. I told W I was going to do it. She was quite withdrawn the next day when she brought D home. S16 no doubt told her that there was 20 people here and we were all having fun. Today W called by she takes D on sunday nights, she stayed at the house all afternoon . baking and washing . One of my oldest friends dropped by and I could tell he was totaly confused with the picture , he knows we have separated and here we look like a normal family when he calls.
W did show me a new bed she wants to buy for her apartment , so I guess shes planning on staying away a while. Later in the day she asked me if I thought it was OK that she got a new bed , I just said yes , you need to get it because the one you have is bad , I have no problem with that. It was a funny question I thought and perhaps she was fishing for some indication of how I feel about her planning on not coming back in the short term.
Anyway it was a nice afternoon , she stayed for dinner which I prepared and I was quite sad to see her go , even though I did my own thing most of the afternoon it was good having her around and she seemed to enjoy sitting with me and having a drink at the end of the day as well.
As strange as it may seem I look back at how we were 12 months ago and we have a much improved relationship from then and from any time we lived together since yet I still feel like I am driving with a blindfold on .
Nothing like an impromptu party, with 20 of your closest friends to shake things in Limbo Land up a bit. Not surprising that you got this reaction;
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had a bit of a party on friday night and had some friends around, it went real well. I told W I was going to do it. She was quite withdrawn the next day when she brought D home.
When I read this post from OT to Heimlich this morning, I thought of you (& me);
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"There's a strange dynamic going on that I'm just not smart enough to figure out. As I move closer to moving out, she becomes friendlier. "
Why is this a strange dynamic???? This is the entirely predictable WAS/LBS dynamic. Try reading up on the distancer/pursuer dynamic. I also made a short post to butterflymom about this recently.
Re W's "impinge on your space" comment, she wants reassurance that she has you wrapped around her finger. Don't give it to her. Just say something really warm and friendle: "Thanks, for the support and respect. It really is exciting to create a new world for myself. Maybe I can have you over sometime to my bad pad to thank you! I can host a mean dinner party, you know."
Great way to describe the dynamics, "still feel like I'm driving with a blindfold on." Looks like you're well on the road to taking the blindfold off if you continue with focusing on your own life.
I woke up today early and lay in bed feeling quite down , first time for a while. I decided to try something different and sent W a txt message simply saying " I miss you " . First time in a long time I have done anything remotely like this but I thought we will see what happens. I actualy did not expect a reply , what I got surprised me . The message read " realy ?me ? not what I used to to do now that I am not there and you have to do it all , not that easy is it! "
I just sent back " I know " , a quick validation being my best option.
Put that in the dont work list . Still I got some more insight out of it , I think she sees me coping and doing whats needed and is angry that I did not do more to help in the past. Anger is a warm emotion , she still cares about what I am doing.
But there is a lot of anger and resentment it seems ,mmmm
