Nomopo's Thread - Is something happening to me?

[Nomopo]

Ok Mandi - maybe you can explain the new handle later. Guess I missed it. Thanks for keeping up with me!

BD, good stuff. Thanks mucho for posting to me. Are you going to reactivate your thread (or did I miss it)?

But for the kids, I would feel exactly like this and would probably be long gone.

Nomo,

Perhaps this where our sitch's differ.

I guess it is a difference in our respective levels of detachment. I know my kids will be fine after a D, but I honestly believe they would be best off if we could work this R/M out to what it should be and be together (all in one house), and at this point I still would prefer that result and I am open to trying to get there. But I am less willing than not long ago. And, it is not just for my kids. I would MUCH prefer to see my kids every night, tuck them in every night, etc.

Dating OP has allowed me to follow through w/ the detachment.

This makes perfect sense to me. Once I enter that phase, I suspect I will think less and less and less about W.

Hey BD! Really good post. Thank you.

Two years!??!?!? It's been four months for me and I'm about to got out of my skin. You. Are. A. Saint.

Not a saint. Actually, interestingly and frightenly (is that a word?), I was in denial about my needs not getting met. My new awareness has made the deprivation much more difficult to take.

Most important, I think, was really understanding all I did to get my R to this point. Sure, my W made mistakes (beyond having the A). At the same time, I wasn't there for her to make her feel as special as she deserved to feel because I was so wrapped up in myself that I wasn't really giving to her -- or my girls -- on a consistent basis. The love was inside of me, but it wasn't getting out.

I could have written this. I especially like the last sentences. Our WASs don't realize this, but it doesn't really matter how we feel, only what we do, to those around us.

I finally fully felt that my R with my W is over. We might get to a new one, but the one we had is dead. I knew that, but didn't feel it.

This is interesting. I know it. Not sure if I feel it. That feeling may be starting, and that may be contributing to the changes. I also think a big impetus for the change was my stronger realization in W's shortcomings and her role in our demise and how far she would have to go to get to where we both want/ought to be.

Honestly, you sound like you're there, but are held back by a tiny shred of doubt.

This is absolutely possible. I really don't know. I feel like the main things holding me back are (1) wanting to do what's best for my kids by working it out and staying married very happily and (2) realizing that we need to fix our issues, rather than just move on to the next Rs thinking they will be different. Even if I have learned a lot for the next R, I will need a partner who is in the same place (W or otherwise) or we could be here again.

I'm not going to say that you should or should not revisit the Sep agreement with your W. I will suggest that if you don't, you're on the edge of becoming bitter and angry towards your W, which will eat away at you and eliminate any chance of reconciliation.

Good obvservation, and could be true. I am trying to let go of the anger and bitterness on my own, and I think I am having some success. Also, check out my next journaling entry (to come) about how C and I hope that at some point W can validate some of my anger, frustration, etc. which I (and C) think will help me get past it. Isn't that the whole point of validation?

You don't want to hurt your W or make her look like the bad guy.

Actually, this is only if we stay together, I guess. Otherwise, not at all my problem and I think I might actually like it. (Of course, that's not great for my kids to have their mom look like a bad person.

But, you know what, she IS the bad guy (kindof).

I agree (not just kindof).

If she gets some heat/feels some pains because of her actions. Well, those are self-inflicted wounds caused by HER. Not you. You aren't responsible for her actions or the pain they cause her.

Agree, 100%. I'm comfortable with her living with those consequences.

Thanks again BD and BD!

Nomo