Again, Cobra, the goal of differentiation is NOT to block out anything.
I disagree with this. Differentiation is not to block out greater understanding or awareness of your partner, or greater knowledge of how you feel or what you feel, but it’s effect is to help block out or control the negative reactions and responses that you feel from someone else, either by their direct negative actions or their lack of validating you.
You are upping the validation (to help your partner get to a place of self-validation), and at the same time, you are STOPPING the invalidation you are throwing at your partner, thereby helping yourself to self-validate, or 'hang onto yourself, or... differentiate.
Yes, use differentiation to control your own responses to negative emotions, then give validation (aka healthy enmeshment) to support the other person who otherwise has not been able to reach full self-validation for whatever reason (possibly because s/he is human). The process creates an understanding or mutual respect and empathy, and therefore an emotional bond.
As for the online book, I’ve looked through the site, though I haven’t read everything in detail. The book itself does not give me any “clicks” like an “ahh hah” moment. Most of what I see I have read one place or another. The compilation in one place is nice though. The EQ test seems interesting. I would like to see how my wife scores. I suspect that she would think she can score rather high, but because I think her emotions is where most of her denial lies, her score might be lower. I will try to bring this site to her attention this weekend. Maybe something will click for her.
Imconfused,
I generally practice not talking about my work too much either. I will discuss it at times, mention neutral topics or the like, but I have always understood that men should leave the office at the office. Bringing it home opens up too much possibility to drag in all the negative crap that can occur. Then after a while the wife can feel like she is only there as a punching bag or something. At some point the feeling of validation and being included starts to wear off for her and changes to feeling like she is an emotional dumping ground (she gets enough of this from the kids). I think a lot of men understand this dynamic and therefore try to keep the office at the office.
I also think that most women do NOT understand this. My wife talks incessantly to anyone who will listen about all the crap at her school. I will listen for a while, but honestly it’s like a bottomless pit and a one way conversation. She does not want to hear my opinions or advice, so there is little more I can do but listen to something that is boring to me and frustrating too.
I certainly understand how my wife can feel like this if I were talking to her in this way about my work. So I don’t do it. She has figured out her side yet.
