Talk your family therapist about taking your kids to see him/her and the appropriateness of doing it without mom.
In general...
1. What your wife thinks right now doesn't matter.
2. Protecting your children is #1.
3. Protecting your custody to them is #2.
4. Protecting your assets is #3.
5. My sense is that your wife might agree to not expose your kids to her nummerous OM, but realistically, she can't do that. She's in a MLC. Part of her disease is this need to live a reckless life, degrade herself and find affirmation from other men, and apparently many of them. The lifestyle is too all encompassing. It's not an occasional weekend tryst with someone on a business trip which you can shield the kids from. It's an addiction. Would you expose your kids to a drug addict and her dealers? Maybe she'll stop the behavior for a little while, and then she'll slip up occasionally, which will seem less greivous to you. And then you'll ask her again, and she'll stop again, and then start again.
There's no way to nicely draw a boundary with her. If you speak to her about this, you will need to be firm and be prepared to not give in. You may need to threaten her with court action.
In my opinion, however limited my information is she's too far gone to listen.
She can't take on multiple lovers and not expose the kids to this.
I did talk to my W when she came to pick up the kids today and I asked her in a very nice way if she can avoid having her SO when the kids are present. She immediately turned defensive. She told me that she never does anything inappropriate with her friend when the kids are around and she never makes bad decisions (whatever that means). She also mentioned point blank that my outlook on setting good examples for the kids is a matter of my opinion only. She definitely showed me the finger but I also saw that she was visibly shaken up.
Either way, I need to decide if I want to proceed with legal action, which means filing for a D myself. I was really hoping that I would wait till she files the papers since I stand for my M. I hate these situations! Only thing remains steady - I am moving on with my life.
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
After giving it much thought, I decided to give my W one last chance to reconcile and an opportunity to make the situation right for the kids when she is with them. Below is my letter to her, in the style of Plan A/Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
My W's response to my email is in the following post. My only purpose to copy her response verbatim is to journal myself and in the process, illustrate how messed up a MLC's thought process can be and how ruthless they can be in dealing with someone that still promises to love them despite multiple affairs.
Here is my letter to her in an email:
------------------ W,
After our discussion on how we need to parent the kids and your decision to disrespect my request, I wanted to write this letter to let you know where I stand.
It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. I am sad to see how you are exposing our two beautiful daughters to your affair(s). I was particularly shocked to hear that you decided to have D5 spend the evening of her precious birthday with your boyfriend rather than with her dad. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation and one that protects my kids.
The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only consolation is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your fun loving qualities that led me to commit to spend my life with you and thoughts of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take the last chance to ask you for the right thing to do for us and the kids.
As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to leave the old marriage behind and build a new marriage with you - one, in which we both feel loved, safe, and cherished. We can only rebuild our marriage, together, when you completely end your relationships with other men.
I will not physically stop you from continuing the affair, because I love you and would not have you shackled to our marriage, but instead having you stay within by choice. Just know that you are deeply and deliberately hurting and humiliating someone who loves you very much by seeing your significant other(s) and spending time with them when you have the kids with you. If you are still disputing this as my opinion only, I urge you to read this article for the sake of your kids:
I have loved you in many different ways; as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a confidant, a friend and a mother of our 2 girls. I still love you today; I just cannot help you as long as you are still involved with someone else.
Regarding raising the kids, I'm interested in us working this out amicably, and since you are not intentionally making an effort to do so, I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and the kids since they are my number one priority.
-signed me
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
My W's response to my email is in the following post. My only purpose to copy her response verbatim is to journal myself and in the process, illustrate how messed up a MLC's thought process can be and how ruthless they can be in dealing with someone that still promises to love them despite multiple affairs.
H,
Thank you for your email and for sharing your thoughts. While I do respect, and take into consideration your opinion regarding decisions on how to parent the kids, you must understand that by no means, am I required to follow your set of rules or standards as far as what is best for the kids or how I should live my life when the kids are in my care.
Like I told you when we last spoke, I do have the kid's best interest in mind and while I never have, nor intend to, do anything inappropriate in front of the children, I do have a right to socialize with whatever friends I want, whether I have the kids or not. I am an intelligent woman and mother who makes smart choices when it comes to the care of my children. It is appalling to me that you do not trust me enough to socialize with people who are positive influences for our kids. As I once selected you for a mate, I thought you knew me well enough to know that I only choose high quality people to associate with and I do not participate in activities around my children that would make me a poor role model for them.
You mentioned the last time we spoke that Kaya was having issues with my friend C so I took the opportunity, that you challenged me to, to discuss it with D9 and she disqualified any concerns you brought up. As a matter of fact, it is very obvious by her actions when I am with her, that she enjoys C's company as he is a clean cut, respectable person who has already raised children of his own. The point you brought up about my choice to have D5 spend her birthday with someone other than her dad, is a mute point since the girls were with me that day and regardless of who else joined us for dinner, the fact would have remained that you would not have been there. You celebrated D5's birthday with her on Sunday at her party.
I'm not sure what you meant when you said that the path you must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation and one that protects your kids. You obviously must deal with your own emotions however you can best do that but as far as the kids go, there is nothing to protect. They are not in danger! They never have been nor ever will be while they are in my care.
I'm sorry that the past few months have been so difficult for you and I understand your need to hold on to past memories as a coping mechanism. It is not fair, however, for you to have been giving the kids a false sense of hope, assuring them over and over again that mommy will be coming home someday. I know that the thought of our marriage being over is not something that you can easily accept but the sooner that you face reality, the sooner you can be on the road to moving forward with your own life. You are a great guy and father and you deserve to be happy. While I can no longer provide that happiness for you and have decided that the decision to end our marriage is the right one for me, I do not want there to be bitter feelings between us and hope that we can remain friends in the end. We have never fought much and there is no need to begin fighting now. I respect your attempt to make your feelings known to me in a final effort to save our marriage, however, I have decided to move on and making everything legally finalized as quickly as possible will make things easier for both of us in the end.
My intention is not to deliberately hurt you. While I know that you do not approve of some of the choices I have made recently in my life, it is not up to you to choose the path for my life or dictate the people I socialize with. I have been perfectly honest with you in stating that I do not want to be married to you any longer and am ready to move on with my life. I know that I have not yet taken the legal steps to finalize the dissolution of our marriage but please know that my delay is not because of any hesitations that I have but rather because I have been incredibly busy lately, between starting a new job and running my business, and frankly have not had the time to complete the necessary paperwork.
W
Last edited by mile_high_PMA; 09/15/0704:34 AM.
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
