Many thanks to all who have posted. Siren, those are wise words,and I needed to hear them. Thanks. I see so many things now that I was simply blind to in myself, her, and the relationship, or had only faint knowledge of. It's both liberating, in that you can't really solve a problem until you really understand it, and scary in terms of how much work there is for both of us as individuals and, hopefully, together. For all the pain of separation and an uncertain future, there are elements of real growth and, dare I say, "excitement" in having a whole new world open up to me.
Siren's words about coming into marriage with simplistic expectations are so true. As so many experts note, we're not given a manual, or a class, on relationships (at least most of us aren't!); I see know how I internalized "messages" from my parents' troubled marriage. They never divorced (my mother died when I was 14) but I never saw a real loving relationship between them.
Siren, you are also quite right about my W looking for validation externally. This has been her great psychic hole since childhood, and why I feel for all my sins this crisis is also bigger than my problems. She has never had much self esteem, despite being an immensely talented person in so many ways. Others saw her talents clearly; she regularly rushed to the "but it could have been better" or, when planning a party, "this is going to fail" type of statement that was programmed by her parents from an early age. Of course, the party would be a huge success. She's made great strides in this area recently, and I'm truly proud of her. But as you say, it doesn't happen quickly.
We need to rescript ourselves, and then hopefully rescript the marriage on a much deeper level and firmer foundation. I still believe this is possible, and I won't surrender. Thankfully, she has not talked divorce yet herself.
