Just another thought. I didn't wake up one day and say to myself "hey, I want out of this marriage" I've been working at it for 2 years. It has taken me this long to really get in touch with me. What do I want? What do I expect from my husband? What behavior will I accept? I took my time, I'm not making irrational decisions. I'm still trying to hold on to the marriage, I'm just starting to think that I'm not as committed to it anymore, not because we've not tried, but because I want better. He's not the man I thought he was, I see that very clearly now. And if I really want to analyze his A, I think that's one reason he got into it. He could be someone else. He knew that he was becoming transparent to me and that I was starting to see things that concerned me. He wanted to be someone else, the hero, the knight in shining armour, etc. I'm not trying to blame it all on him, I know I have my faults as well, but dang it, I did and have tried. Give me a little credit.
I'm sorry you keep going back to the same position. I hope the D works out for you and you find what you are looking for in your life.
If you want to try a different strategy, all I would do is give you the same advice I have repeated over and over in this thread and in your last thread. You make some movement toward hearing it and acting on it, and then cycle back to where you are now. I can see that my words cannot find you.
Thus, like I said. You win. I'm done. I got to this point before and I should have stuck with it. This latest round of dialogue has gone nowhere. I know you have tried to the best of your ability. I believe that there is a roadblock to you trying in a fully invested way that might lead to change. I know I can do nothing about the roadblock. I believe you also currently lack the resources to do anything about the roadblock. I believe you when you say you have done your best and that you lack the ability to try in a fully invested authentic way in which you give up control over what happens to the M because H might choose to file.
As for you, it sounds like you have a good IC to help you with whatever comes next. It is wonderful you are open to the IC and working on yourself. It is good that you want to stand up for yourself and seek happiness for yourself. Both are important parts of a great life. Best wishes.
Thanks for the well wishes. I came to this board for validation for my feelings. A sympathetic ear, people who've been there done that. I'm amazed that all I get is go to Ret. go to counseling, read this, read that, do this do that. I'm not the one who violated the M.
Thanks OT, I know you mean well, but your advise drives me nuts! You seem to have all the answers, yet you're not listening! I'm not HAPPY!!!!! Bottom line. Can my husband make me happy? NO!!!!! Do I want a divorce? I don't know, but it sure is an option. Will my H file before me? Does that matter who got there first? No, it would be the same result - dirvorced.
I'm through here too. This isn't the forum for me. I must move on. Thanks for the shove.
I think one thing you need to understand is that this is in general a pro-marraige board. Even when it is about 99% clear that the SO is an unreachable jerk, you will still get "have you tried this", or "do this and see how it turns out" type advice. If you choose to get a D based on how you feel about the M, no one here is going to think you are a bad person. The problem is that if YOU don't try everything in your power BEFORE gettting a D, then YOU will most likely be the one to suffer later. You may have done everything that you can do, only you know that. All we can do here is try to give you advice as to what we think may help you.
I've been where you are, where the only thing keeping me in my M was saying to myself over and over "I'm going to stick with this until I'm absolutely sure there is no fixing it." And what I found was that while many of the reasons I was thinking of ditching the M are still valid (i.e. problems within my W), there were a whole host of problems that I wasn't thinking about (i.e. problems in me). OT was just trying to push you into that mode of thought ... "what have I done to get to where I am now?" This has NOTHING to do with one person being blamed for past transgressions and EVERYTHING to do with how you approach fixing a problem in the future.
This may not be the board for you, perhaps there are other boards in which people will be able to give you what you need. I'm not trying to say "please please stay", just "give us a chance and maybe you'll find what you need."
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks. I'm not new to this board. I've been on it for 3 years. Look up my past thread, see where I was. I was in the infidelity section, then piecing and now here because of the recent blow my husband gave me. I understand this is pro-marriage. My IC is pro-marriage, I'm pro-marriage, I hate the thought of another divorce and have I tried everything? I don't know but what I do know is that my husband has not suggested counseling, he hasn't read any of the self help books, ie Surviving an Affair, After the Affair, Divorce Remedy, etc. I've prayed, I've been in counseling, together with H and alone, still am in IC. Do I still consider my H my best friend - yes. That's why this journy has been so difficult to me. I mourn the loss of my best friend.
Just to ease your mind, if H and I get a divorce, that isn't the end of me. I still have a lot of work to do on me before I would every consider being in another R. I don't trust my judgment and that's a problem.
Yes, you've done a lot, and perhaps you have done everything that is possible. Even so, you'll still get some "try again" and "have you tried this" type posts, and the motivation behind those posts is not to make you feel bad, but out of genuine concern for you.
You've made it through one D, so I am sure you can make it through another if that is the route you take. And you would be definitely right to take it slow afterwards. I think your judgement is no better or worse than anyone else here, so don't shortchange yourself.
I just hope, in a caring and friendly way, that you have given it your all, for your sake. Maybe you can summon up some reserve of strength and go all out for just a little while longer. Don't hold back.
Take care, Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
My H went to his mom's over the weekend, 9 hours from our home. I didn't go, so I visited with my mom and sister and just really had time to me. Here's the wierd thing. I didn't mind being alone - for the first time, I enjoyed the solitude, the time to myself and I didn't miss my H's company. So, I started thinking about this and of course because I am who I am started analyizing this. It's okay to be alone - I'm okay. So yes, I'm sorry to disappoint everyone here, I started thinking about selling my home and moving on. I even rehersed the heart to heart talk with my H about my feelings, not to discuss the a divorce, but to start talking to him as to where I am in this relationship. I also rehersed his answers and my responses. I know what he'll say, he'll tell me there isn't anything more he can do but to let me go. I've tried to think about how I'll feel when he says that and what I feel is almost releaved.
So, H got in last night about 10:00 and gave me a card, which made me cry. It said stuff like, I love you for standing by me, and for your patience, and it went on and on about how he may never tell me these things, but can't express them the way he would like. So, here I am again, confused. He loves me so much, that I know, will I ever have anyone in my life that loves me this much, doubtful. But, I can't trust him, I know that, I don't know what to do about this. I keep checking out his stories, his wallet, his cell phone, his bounced check notices. I can't live like this. I hate myself for that, but it's almost as if I'm trying to find out something so my decision will be made for me. Being in nowheresville, makes me crazy.
Every now and then I pull this quote out of my archives. It's by David Deida:
Is it possible for partners to grow in different directions?
The one masculine trait that transcends a man’s purpose is his connection to truth. If your man’s connection to truth remains strong, his purpose might change as he aligns himself more and more with truth. For instance, for five years he may be totally dedicated to a business, then give it up and move into a monastery. Although this might look like a completely different purpose, this may be the closest way—for the present time—for him to live his truth.
If you ever wonder about your man’s new direction in life, ask yourself: Do you feel in your heart that his new direction is more aligned with truth or farther from truth?
Even if his new direction is aligned with his truth, is it aligned with your truth? You might not want to change in the same way that he is changing. How do you bridge that gap? Honestly, come into touch with what your truth is, what your heart truly wants.
Temporarily separate yourself from him to discover your own desire. Naturally as a woman who loves her man, you will be moved to embrace him. However, you may have a conflict between where he is going and where you want to go.
While you are apart from him, feel in your heart in whatever way works for you. It may be through talking with other women, through ritual, silence, or spending time in nature. Discover what is the fullest expression of your heart. What would satisfy your heart the most?
If his truth has carried him in a direction compatible with what would satisfy and fulfill your heart, then your relationship remains viable.
It sometimes happens that two people continue growing and their relationship changes. This is not necessarily negative. In their growth, one person’s truth may lead their daily life in one direction and another person’s in another direction. Sometimes these different directions are temporary and sometimes they last a lifetime.
How can I leave him when I still love him?
What you feel and what you should do aren’t necessarily the same; it is possible to love a man totally yet walk away from him. If the relationship is not appropriate, you can remain in love and still bring a relationship to an end. Your love, your heart, and your connection to God can be full and true, even while you are acting in this difficult circumstance.
Your head is your center of thinking, your heart is your center of emotional feeling, and your belly is your center of action. Your belly, just below your navel, is the place from which your action springs, your center of gravity. In Japanese culture it is called the Hara, and in Chinese the T’an-Tien. By relaxing into your navel area you learn to center yourself in dance and martial arts. This navel area is your center of power—the power to do.
Your heart may be flowing with feeling for a man, but your navel doesn’t have to follow that flow. You are free to act decisively and choose to leave a man even though you have strong feelings for him. You don’t have to shut down your feelings in order to turn your navel and move in another direction. It’s okay to love a man yet decide not to be in intimate relationship with him. It’s okay to turn from a man that you love and open yourself in love with someone else who will be a better partner for you.
Women are usually more moved by their feeling center than their action center, so it is difficult for them to walk away from a man they love. Most men are the opposite. They listen to their feelings very little. They are usually more involved with doing and thinking than with emotions. It is usually easier for men to walk away from a relationship.
As a woman, your balance is to remain in your feeling but act in accordance with your highest good, your deepest wisdom. Listen to your close circle of trusted friends. They usually can reflect what is best for you. Feel deep in your heart. Ask your highest self for guidance. Even though you love a man, it may be best to actively turn away from him, even as you continue to feel love for him.
How long should I wait for him to change?
This is a key to deciding whether a man is right for you. As he is right now, can you fully trust him? Or do you think that you could change him to a man you could trust? As soon as you find yourself thinking that you could change him, you are in trouble.
If a man is not already living a life that you would wed to yours, then do not commit in relationship, hoping he will change. It is fine to desire change and growth in a relationship, but you must trust him, as he is right now, in order to provide a foundation for growth in relationship and a basis for the practice of love. If you do not trust him as he is now, you don’t really have an intimate relationship.
So choose a man you can trust. Serve him in his growth so you can continue trusting him. But if you really don’t trust him as he is, then he will feel it. If you are waiting for him to change before you can trust him, you are locking yourself into a no-win situation.
Trust is the starting point of the practice of intimacy, not something to hope for in the future. In any case, if you find yourself staying in a relationship because you think your man might change, you are making a mistake.
