I think this will open up a very interesting and useful discussion. I completely agree with what you say about validation, and this is the same thing discussing for the past few weeks. You do realize that on the SURFACE this flies in the face of differentiation ideas? If we are truly able to differentiate and hold onto ourselves, validation should not be necessary at all. But as you say, validation is the cornerstone of all relationships. Without it you merely have two people living parallel lives.
I do believe that differentiation is crucial for a healthy relationship, but for a different reason that what I think most people here understand. The ONLY purpose for differentiation that I can see is to block out and protect yourself from negative and damaging feelings. But this is NOT enough to create a feeling of closeness and bonding with a spouse. IT is NECESSARY to get to the point of EC, but it is NOT sufficient. Once negative emotions are control, then validation take create the EC we all want. The two MUST be used together. Neither one by itself is sufficient.
This is why I was saying a few weeks ago that the circle can come back around. The supposed enmeshment that validation can create can actually evolve to a higher level that I was calling interdependence. I still think this is closer to the “ideal” that we should all strive for, not the differentiate state that Schnarch describes.
This idea of validation also brings in one of your pet topics, and that is respect. Validation is also a way of showing respect to one another, another key component for a long lasting relationship.
