Many times a marriage has to be torn apart and taken back to ground zero before it can be rebuilt. This allows the relationship to be built on strong solid principles that most of us don't know the first thing about when we first get married. I know I didn't. I was naive enough to think that we would get married and that life would be great for the rest of our lives.
I believe that we are brought to points in our lives where the shell that we hide behind has to get torn down and we have to look at ourselves without any pretense. I believe that this allows us to move forward in our personal progression. Those who avoid this opportunity tend to spin in the wind either until they face themselves and their life or they spin aimlessly till they die.
Start looking at the people around you. As you go through this growth you will be able to recognize people who are on both ends of the spectrum. It is very enlightening once you start to understand what to look for.
My guess is that your wife like so many women looked to you (her husband)for her validation. I am guessing that she lost herself to the marriage. What so many fail to understand is that looking for validation of yourself as a person of worth from other people will always fail. You will always end up disappointed looking to outside sources to make you feel good about yourself. This doesn't just apply to her but to yourself as well.
Just remember that you have 17 years of issues to overcome. It is going to take a lot longer than 3 months.
There are many great resources out there to help you do this. Search for them. I don't know if you are religious or not but I truly believe that once you start searching God will lead you to the resources that you need. I know that he did for me. Also try to really understand where your wife is coming from. Understand her childhood issues, her dreams, her losses in life, etc. There is so much that we all tend to hide from everyone around us. After 17 years though I suspect that you know a lot about her and can probably piece together the information that you need.
Don't give up on your marriage. YOU alone can make a difference. You make the changes that you need to make and let you wife worry about her changes should she decide to make any. You are the only person that you can change or control but when you start living the changes in your life it changes the dynamic in your marriage and she will have to eventually change because the dynamic is changed.
Keep up the good work.
ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
