Frustrated and More Saddened #3

[stewart10]

Thanks WAW and Limbo:

Warning this may be long and probably a little boring, but I am using this a journal so that I have record of the MC session:

The MC session went well, I think. I am not sure if she thought the same but I think he helped us start on the right track to opening up some communication lines and getting us back on track. He spent the entire session asking us 6 questions. The first question was what was our goals to get out of the counseling sessions. My answer was to begin to get our relationship back on track. Her answer was to open up communication between us since she felt as if there was no communication there.

The second question was who can we control. Both of our answers were ourselves. He disagreed slightly saying at times we cannot even control ourselves and that is okay but the other person in a relationship has to reazalze that. The third question was what are the things that went wrong in the relationship. I said I thought our problems began when we started to spend so little time together. She said our problems was that I was drinking and controlling.

The fourth question was kind of a doozy. He prefaced it by saying that if we cannot answer it, that we might as well go home because there is nothing that he can do to help. (Didn't really like the way he did that) But he asked what was good about the relationship. It was my wife's turn to go first. It took her some time to answer. Like a really long time. I think she was kind of hoping that he would cut her off and just say well then there is nothing I can do. Your relationship is over. But he didn't. He just sat there and let her think. This went on for about five minutes. An eternity for me. Finally she said that something good about our relationship was that she still cared about me. I, in a much shorter time said that what was good was how happy she makes me and how I am inspired by how caring she is with everyone she knows and even complete strangers.

The fifth question was what are you going to do in the next week to make the relationship stronger. I said I would not drink. She thought for awhile and said she would call me from work once a day to check in with me and see how I was doing. The last question was what do you want the other person to do te help improve the relationship. She again took forever and broke down in the middle just asking why this is so hard. And that "You are talking about improving this relationship that doesn't even exist." OUCH. But he refocused her asking her about when we got married, and how there was something there then. That even if there is a faint little glimmer of a relationship left inside that that can be repaired. That he realizes there are glaring things missing and broken but that can be fixed. But there needs to be commitment from both parties in order to make it work. He said if there is not even a flicker of a flame then he cannot help. Finally she asked for us to have lunch together a couple times a week. I asked for her not to spend more than one night out a week. She agreed. He thanked us for our answers and said we need to go home and work to do the things we promised and were requested to do. Then he gave a pretty good analogy about what happens when a relationship is born and when the relationship is strained that really hit home for me and I think it made it easy for her to understand too. And that was our first MC session. Nothing groundbreaking, but I think we at least can see the way to improve our relationship. Whether she is able/willing to follow through remains to be seen. Before we left he told Kelly that although he only just met her that he knew alot more about her than she thought. I tend to believe him because when I had my IC with him he asked questions about me that I never hinted at and he was dead on. He told her that there were other things that bothered my wife but she didn't want to talk about it because she felt it was not appropriate. My W began to tear and just shook her head up and down. He told her next time they can meet alone and then think about a way to bring them out together. Not really sure what they are talking about but there is something esle wrong I am doing, or something outside that is bothering my W. I am sure it will come out soon enough.

On the way home I just asked her what she thought of him and she said she liked him alot. So at this point I guess this little blueprint is taking precedence over our conversation on Monday (the moving out conversation). I have been sleeping on the couch since then. Not really a bad thing as I can take full advantage of the new TV. I hope that things begin to improve from here. She did call me last night to wish my dad a happy birthday.

WAW:

Are you taking the train in? When are you getting into town?