So, the other night she mentioned that she would move to the rental house, but then the next morning she asked me what 'i planned' on doing with the house, and that maybe we should Sublet it or something, as its a lot of money to waste on leaving it empty. I said 'i haven't really thought about it yet, and that I was open to hearing her suggestions as subletting it might not be a bad idea.'
After work, she was acting a little distant as i helped get the girls ready for bed and bathed. She made the off comment 'it takes a village to bath 2 children' basically saying i was not needed. I tried to make myself scarce, but would come back to the girls room as I enjoy being part of the bedtime ritual.
Afterwards i made plans to go hang out with a friend at like 9pm. And when I came upstairs to tell my wife, she looked at me kind of oddly and sayed 'ok, but we need to talk' - i replied, ok, 'well i can talk tommorow', she said she was really busy, then i said 'well i guess we'll have to talk on Saturday, does that work for you?' she said yes.
So tonight, my wife is supposed to go out with her girlfriends to celebrate my wifes birthday. So i'm planning on taking it easy tonight, and probably renting a movie or something as its been a long week.
Remember, one way to regain your personal power in the relationship is to say, "no".
Don't say it just to spite her. Say it when you mean it.
The reason she wants to talk is that she isn't getting what she wants from you and you are not acting afraid and clingy. This is putting a monkey wrench in her plans. It's confusing her.
Ok, so my wife filed for legal seperation, when i asked her about this, she said she really was confused and felt we needed to get space between us. She admits she can't find clarity about how she feels about me/us with this new relationship.
I'm really confused by it too. The paperwork for legal seperation is basically 90% of a full divorce, we have to come to all the same agreements to make it happen.
So i don't know why my wife didn't just file for divorce, here are the possible reasons:
1. she really is confused, and is hoping that once we live apart she will feel differently? 2. she wants to continue cake eating, by leaving the door open to our marriage without making any efforts or compromises. 3. she is trying to make this easy on me. 4. she thinks i'll handle the negotiations more amicicably if i think we are being seperated and not divorced.
So i'm torn between my own two options:
1. keeping my mouth quiet and just seeing how this plays out. Who knows a miracle may happen in the next couple of months. 2. asking her for her reasonings for seperation, and saying if you want to be seperated and not divorced than i feel she should show me some effort to find clarity (which means pausing/ending) her relationship for some time while we are seperated. - this is probably just a fast road to divorce, but at least i would be sure that she wasn't trying to 'make this easy on me' or 'manipulate me'.
thoughts?
--- i will say i have gotten some clear indications from her that she really is confused on some levels, however her actions keep her moving in the direction of this new guy and her infatuation with him. I want to sit her down and convince her all the reasons she should give us a try for us and our kids, but i know its completely counter intuitive.
Basically she says 'i know staying together is better for the kids, i also see the remote possibility of us being happy together, but i want to be with him'. she admits the selfishness of this too. I want to give up, i can't believe my wife would say things like this and still move forward with her actions.
Its been a long time since i posted an update to my situation, and a lot has happened - some good, some bad.
So my wife filed for legal seperation. We worked with the lawyers and put together a fair agreement.
In the meantime, i did a lot of GAL, and started hanging out with some friends a lot of which were women. (no dating, just friends).
About 2 weeks ago, my wife starts showing signs of wanting to work on us. She comes down to my room, and we talk and end up making love. This was a little weird, and we both agreed that it was probably rushed.
3 days later she comes home from a girl friends crying, and says she is so confused, and misses me, we talk some, and we make love again, this time its not weird, and I can tell she wants to be with me.
next day, she is a little weird, and pulls away again.
that night, we make love again.
next day, she pulls away again.
2 days later, she texts me and asks if I want to go out somewhere that evening. I joke with her, and we end up going out and having a really nice time, and again make love for hours.
next day she pulls away again. That evening i get frustrated and walk out of the house and go to a bar late at night and get some beers. While i'm there she texts me saying - she is ready to let the OM go, and wants to work on us, and that she is dead serious.
I come home, and she is a little distant, which is weird, but i'm a little toasty, so my decision making skills are weak. We make love again. Next morning the OM calls her, and she talks to him.
Here is where i am lost...
She doesn't tell him its over, she does however admit she has been thinking about working on me and her, and that we have had sex. She tells me about this, and that he told her he doesn't want to see her again. Although it sounds from her story that she told him that she is really confused, and doesn't know what she wants.
Because she tells me the same thing. She is really confused and that she hurts because letting him go hurt so bad she is confused about what she wants.
Next day was pained.
And today - the movers were scheduled to come, so they came and moved her stuff to the rental house. My girls are over there now sleeping for the first night. I tried to keep my composure, and make it as positive as possible for the girls, and since they are so small they are kind of 'excited' about sleeping at the new house. Although i can tell they don't really understand what it means, I think they see it like a vacation. I'm curious to see how they handle it as time goes on.
It was really hard to watch the pictures come off the walls, and to see the house empty. I reacted fairly pitufully, and she saw how much i hurt. I was able to hide it from my kids though. Now that they are gone, I'm having a beer and just trying to keep myself busy tonight.
I'll admit i've probably put to much pressure on my wife to make a decision after all of the positives, and that we should really give it a shot to work on things.
She has said at times: I miss you, i like spending time with you, it feels so good to be with you (sexually), she even said she loves me more now than she has in years. But.. she still moved out, and she is in serious confusion, pull back mode right now. 'losing' the OM has got her confused again, and she is not sure if she really wants to be with me, or her jealousy about me being with other girls is causing her to miss me.
I told her, i don't think that jealousy causes you to have feelings for someone, and that feelings for someone would cause jealousy. Also she has no right to be jealous, as she knows how i feel.
Anyways, i'm lost. I'm not sure what to do next. I think i'm just going to take a step back, and let her figure things out..
As tough as it sounds, taking a step back and letting figure things out is something that you should do. In my sitch every time I have tried to talk about the R, all I get is that I am confused. My W knows how much this will hurt everyone around her and she is not sure who she wants to eb with, me or the OM. Focus on you and make yourself the best you can be and if she wants to come back you can reap the rewards and if not you are better off personally...That is the part that is toughest for me.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
Hey bud. Mate, it sounds like things are coming to a head in your sitch. You are doing an excellent job, let your W sort out her emotions. Sounds like her judgment and feelings are still heavily clouded, but she seems to be coming around to her senses, slowly but surely.
Give her as much space as she needs, and let her get through this in her own time. I suppose now that she has the rental, time is not important at this stage. So use the time wisely and let her think things through with no pressure from yourself.
I know it is so confusing for you at this time, but from an outsider looking in, it sure looks positive for the future.
About 3 weeks ago my wife broke it off with the OM. While this was positive i think it was premature for her. She didn't really want to break it off with him, but she realized that if she still had feelings for me and was sleeping with me, that she needed to figure things out. Also she realized that her life going forward with him would be really difficult and maybe not all that she wants.
We continued to see our counselor during this time, and he warned us to take it slow. During this time we went out a few times, had really great sex, and connected a very small amount.
Problems started again around 1 week ago.. She just can't seem to end it for real with the OM. She 'misses him', and 'doesn't feel the same way about me'.
So 2 nights ago i confronted her, and asked her if she was still talking to him. She said 'yes', and she is crazy about him. She admits we have no real problems together, and in a lot of ways are great together, she just doesn't feel like 'reaching out to me' and that she feels that strongly for him.
Basically all the steps we took moving forward are wiped clean again. I blame myself for not giving her enough space. So right now I'm not sure what to do. Part of me says 'enoughs enough' and makes me want to just move on. It just drives me crazy that there is so much about us that is good. And i know that given a different circumstance those feelings for eachother can grow given time..
Maybe i'm wrong.
anyways, we have a meeting with our counselor on wed. these meetings are usually positive, and in the last one he recommended a personal counselor for my wife, i don't think she has met with her though. I'm considering asking her to at least talk to her counselor a few times before rushing back into anything with OM, or giving up on us. I know this is probably a bad idea, but after all the positives we've experienced i just can't see giving up right now.
