Every situation is different. Perhaps mine was easier to deal with than most of the others I see here on the board. But for me at the time, it seemed like life or death.
I did not DB. I confronted my husband and demanded he stop the affair. I kept the children informed of the truth, and had them on my side. (Granted they are young adults.) And I threatened an expensive divorce. He was willing to give Retrouvaille a chance under the circumstances. We walked in the door, and Retrouvaille took over. Maybe that is putting it in God's hands. But as I am Jewish, and it is a Catholic program, I didn't see it that way. Still, God reaches us wherever we are.
My H did have a willing heart. He was not as attached to OW as most seem to be. He said he wanted to be appreciated in a loving relationship. If he could have that relationship with me, then that was better than with someone else.
So that will be my prayer for you Dave. That your wife will also have a willing heart. I will pray that she will be reasonable and see that having a good marriage with you is better than having a good marriage with someone else. I will be watching your thread.
