I have been a poster here off and on for a couple of years now. I'm 50 and my wife is 44. As you may remember, my wife finds every excuse in the book to avoid any kind of sexual contact with me. This has been going on for over 15 years. It's really strange because we get along so well in every other aspect of our relationship. But when it comes to sex its like we just don't understand one another at all.
A few mornings ago we were alone with no kids for a few hours, which almost never happens. When I suggested sex she told me she didn't really feel like it (I hear this almost every time I bring it up) but she would do me, which means a handjob. Actually, this is what happens most of the time. Actual intercourse between us is rare.
I told her I really wanted intercourse this time but she blew it off by pretty much just ignoring my comment. I literally begged her to have sex with me, but she said she just didn't feel like it. By the time we got to bed I was ready to accept whatever I could get but afterward I felt a tremendous amount of resentment. After all, we were alone and I really needed that feeling of intimacy with her. When she just does the handjob it certainly helps with biological release but does nothing for me emotionally.
A couple of mornings later I initiated a conversation with her about our sex life for the bazillionth time. I told her I really wanted intercourse more often, not just handjobs. I told her we hadn't always been that way and I wanted to have fun with sex again. And to that, she told me she had "grown up" and sex was just not that big of a deal anymore.
She pointed out that she took care of me with handjobs about once week, which she said is more than normal for married couples. But I told her we only had actual intercourse about once every six weeks, which I think is abnormal for married couples, which set off an argument.
Even when we do the HJ thing I want to hold her and kiss her and caress her, but she is just not interested in that. She just wants to get to it and get it over with as soon as possible.
You are desperate for connection with your wife, I get that. But tell me, honestly, how do you think begging and clinging to her leg as she walks away (thereby dragging you along behind her with her leg), is going to get you the 'adult' connected sex you SAY you want, but are not showing her?
To me... what you described above sounds like 'have sex with me, mommy! Please, oh, please, please, please!!!!!'
She even told you that she is an adult now... and all you are giving her is a version of the pouty child.
HOW, do you think, will that kind of behavior get you to your goal? Your feelings are completely understandable. How you describe what you are feeling is completely understandable. The ACTIONS you are taking, to me, are not.
My point was that I wanted to connect with her this one time, and I wanted it to be clear to her. I think I made it sound more dramatic than it was. What I said at the time was "Could we please have sex this time?" I don't think that was too excessive, and it's certainly not my usual practice.
I didn't "pout" about it either. I tried to bring up the subject for discussion so we could find a resolution. That's when she basically told me she was too grown up for sex. Sorry, I just don't get that at all.
Frankly I don't know what ACTIONS I need to take now. I read TSSM a couple of years ago but couldn't get her to read it. Perhaps I will read it again.
GO one of the problems is that your settling for less than what you want. Thats what I meant by scraps you want the whole meal and she's offerring you left overs, the thing is you take it.
But in settling for way less than what you actually want it make you feel like crap so I have to ask is why do you accept it?
