Yet another "talk down" under your belt. Wasn't it only last week that I felt so strong & had that special "AS IF" attitude wired. I guess you(I) can't "relax" & take your eyes off the ball at this point in the process without losing some of the gains.
Since I hadn't had much interaction with H in a few days, I decided to ask if he had any special plans this long weekend & also for my B-Day? Ah, yes, he has special plans, unfortunately they don't include me.
It's like I put myself right in front of the train & disregarded what I learned.
I guess my buddy Nomo is prolly not going to make his billing goal for August on account of the time spent in reminding me what the heck I'm doing here & recognizing self-defeating behaviors for what they are.
So, back to getting my "core attitudes" in place & reading the "AS IF" breakdown every day.
Since I hadn't had much interaction with H in a few days, I decided to ask if he had any special plans this long weekend & also for my B-Day? Ah, yes, he has special plans, unfortunately they don't include me.
those expectations come and get you every time , but given your sitch lately they were probably reasonable expectations.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
You are braver than I! I have yet to get the nerve to ask H out anywhere. I just know he will turn me down:( H seems so scared of OW!! Just only recently he seems to be trying to get out more on his own. She has a real tight leash on him.
This is a long weekend and the first in a long while for me to be w/out the kids(at least until Sunday afternoon)!
I had stopped letting H take the girls for sleepovers,but this weekend I am taking my grandfafther out of town to the Orlando airport so I asked H to stay w/ them. Funny, now that he thinks of the imaginary BF he asked me 3 times if I was sure it will be for the entire weekend? H asked if I had plans w/ my BF.
Hopefully my freind can go spanish dancing w/ me tonight! Have a nice weekend!
So much of what you are going through sounds very familiar. This is just not an easy process or skill to learn when we have the habits of a lifetime to conquer.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
While I've done a great job in creating mystery, I've found in the last couple of weeks that I rush in to give a few clues to solve the mystery when I see he's squirming. That, o/c is met with instant distancing & a push back. After my party, I tried to make up for not inviting him by being a little extra nice, forgetting that it translates into pursuing.
Used to be a big problem for me too - trying to fix everyone else's problem I think in business some of this is called 'leadership', but of course in adult relationships this trait of problem-solving may not be always welcome. Just wondering if you have been able to reconcile why you feel responsible for his actions or sentiments?
I remember Maya reminding me that some men actually like women who are bitches (being in total control of herself) and that means not being distracted by what may or may not be going through the guy's head.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
I said too much in the last couple of days & got a dose of rewriting as a result. Apparently, H is afraid of being around me right now b/c we argued so much in the last 3 yrs. It doesn't matter that we're not arguing now, b/c he has "muscle memory" as a result. How does the LBS get by that one, you don't even have to have an argument, they know that there's one just waiting to come out. At least the time frame of us being so unhappy has moved up from 8yrs to 3yrs.
Take all you can - going down from 8 to 3 years is definitely heading in the right direction And the proven way to get over 'muscle memory' is to give the same muscles new memories - and unfortunately that is by consistent action, no known short cuts. So get some duct tape - and goal yourself to say less. Talk to us instead - we appreciate your words
Hey CVA, Dave, Chicki, Nomo & Slowly, thanks for checking in on me
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It's simply amazing to me how befuddled he becomes at being turned loose. So, perhaps the thing that is the hardest--the turning loose, the abdication of all control--is the real secret.
Yes Delia, seems that H is becoming more befuddled by the day. It looks like it's much more comfortable for him to be in the pushing away/distancing role, than free to go with no sign of pursuit from me.
Hi Slowly,
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This is just not an easy process or skill to learn when we have the habits of a lifetime to conquer.
Ain't that the truth. Somehow it just looks so easy on paper!
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some men actually like women who are bitches
It is definitely true that my H prefers a women who offers a challenge, although in a nicer way.
There was a full 2 days of no contact after H's Weds. visit where I asked if he had plans to do anything special w/S4 for the long wkend other than the Friday night sleep over. I had also asked what the plan was for my B-Day, which was met with "I hadn't even thought about that." Confusing about the no contact since he said he wanted to talk to S4 everyday when he was out of town for 2 weeks, 7 also about the B-Day since he brought it up last week.
In those 2 days I went through yet a whole different cycle of detaching. This one is by far the best, as there's no effort at all in acting "As If". I would have liked to have begun with this one first b/c it's terrific. No twisty stomach. No holding my breath during conversation, fearing some unwelcome news. Almost nothing at all.
Right before he showed up on Friday night, he called & wanted to know If I was going to dinner w/them. No, I already had plans, thanks anyway. When he arrived he wanted to know where I was going. I told him, out for a glass of wine & bite to eat, in fact, I'm running late & better get going. I was friendly though, as I told him. About 5 minutes after we parted, he calls me & asks me to please leave the computer on for him to do a surf check, since he doesn't have my new password. We went through this a couple of months ago, when I told him there was a reason I have a new password, but I just said "OK" & didn't do it. He did add not to worry, he wouldn't look at my email, etc. Somehow I can't picture him allowing me to peruse his PC, unattended for hours at a time. I wouldn't have the nerve to even ask. Anyway, I did let him look up what he wanted the next day, with me sitting right behind him, which I'm sure didn't make him very happy.
So I guess I'm answering this question pretty well right now Slowly;
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Just wondering if you have been able to reconcile why you feel responsible for his actions or sentiments?
I'm not feeling responsible for his sentiments & it's a great feeling.
When I came home Friday night, I said a nice hello, headed straight up to my room & closed the door. He had to come in 3 times for something or other & appeared to be a little shaken by the change, since I usually spend time with him b/f going to our rooms.
Next day, he wants to know if I think I might want to do something for my B-Day. That's OK, I have it covered. Very nice & friendly when I said it. Spent the rest of the morning busy around the house, playing with S4, going out for a run & returning a couple of phone calls. The happier I was, the more he worried he looked, until I looked over to see him with his head in his hands a couple of times. So, I guess giving muscles new memories is throwing things off, he looks more confused than ever.
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that is by consistent action, no known short cuts. So get some duct tape - and goal yourself to say less.
You're so right, the less said, the better.
Going to an end of the summer party tomorrow night & B-Day party on Monday, so looking forward to a great weekend Best wishes for a great one for you all too,
The great thing about being on this forum is reading about whats happening with other people and seeing how predictable the WAS can be.
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He had to come in 3 times for something or other & appeared to be a little shaken by the change, since I usually spend time with him b/f going to our rooms.
I chuckled at this it seem the the WAS can do what they want but as soon as we change something they panic. They seem to want to test thier new life but if we change its amplified. Remember my W when I got a new bed cover, you would have thought I had been out chasing wild women and cought at least 2 LOL.
As tragic as all this is sometimes I see the funny side.
The great thing about being on this forum is reading about whats happening with other people and seeing how predictable the WAS can be.
Hi Dave,
Yes, because of the predictable element, I decided to go with some of the suggestions made in Homer's book, in addition to the DB skills taken from other sources like Michele's books.
I let H ask me 5 more times to spend my B-Day together before accepting, and letting him know that I had to untangle my engagement for that evening to go with him. He kept trying to get more information on what I was doing, feeling etc., so I eventually let him know, in a friendly, upbeat way, that things didn't look good for us, we can go to dinner as friends though & have a nice time anyway. He seemed stunned to hear "be friends".
The next 3x's he came to p/u S4 for dinner & invited me, I declined & was ready to leave the house as soon as he arrived to head out for my own dinner plans.
The birthday date was excellent. We had such a good time, all the while agreeing, validating, easy going & fun, adding indifferent to the mix. He picked an ocean view restaurant & a perfect table to admire the view. He had to drive all the way over to make the reservations the previous day, so had to work a little to plan the evening.
We ended up at a "pub" sort of place later that night, where we met 3 English guys that we shared a table with & had some good laughs all around.
When we arrived back at the house, we peeked in on S4 sleeping, I thanked him for the wonderful time & started walking towards the door. We stopped at the porch, he closed the door & just as I was getting the first "real" kisses in 4 months, S15 opens the door & wants to know "what we're doing" & just stands there He says again what a nice time he had & almost skips away.
The next night was his sleepover to be w/S4, but I was "out" for the evening & didn't see him, as he was asleep when I came home. He had asked me out for dinner with them & seemed disappointed I already had plans.
After a day taking the kids to a BBQ at a friends ranch, H tried to get me pinned down on when I would be home so he could drop off the kids. I know he's still "dating" OW & yesterday is usually their Sat. night dinner date, so he would have to be out of here at about 6pm in order to get back & ready. I suggested that he could just drop them off & leave, as S15 babysits anyway. He didn't like that suggestion & was waiting for me when I arrived home (friendly but indifferent). Tells me again what a great weekend it was & wants to know if I'd be interested in doing something like that again sometime.
This is kinda fun, like dating for the first time. I have a feeling the less available I am, the better the date will be.
He did make a point of telling me before he left that he wasn't even hungry & would prolly be asleep by 9pm. Hmmm, don't know & don't care. It would have to be a pretty awesome date to beat the one we had.
So, I guess it serves one well to really listen when you're told; don't pursue, pressure, chase, act needy, etc.
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I chuckled at this it seem the the WAS can do what they want but as soon as we change something they panic. They seem to want to test thier new life but if we change its amplified.
Your whole situation sounds just like mine! My H is reacting exactly the same. The less available I am the more he hankers round after me... and like your H he is still seeing OW.
My H has been on his best behaviour'trying to impress for about a week now. I am torn between thinking Ow is making him happy so he is being nice to me; and maybe he is testing the water to see if he would get a warm welcome if he wanted to come home. It's so confusing.
Nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
I think in business some of this is called 'leadership', but of course in adult relationships this trait of problem-solving may not be always welcome. Just wondering if you have been able to reconcile why you feel responsible for his actions or sentiments?
And the proven way to get over 'muscle memory' is to give the same muscles new memories - and unfortunately that is by consistent action, no known short cuts. So get some duct tape - and goal yourself to say less. Talk to us instead - we appreciate your words 