HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND

[simonw]

ey everyone, I have been following DNQ for the last couple of days, I love the fact the he is so strong and patient. I will update/explain my sitch, briefly. Like everyone else, at 42 I never thought I would be in this situation, but....? anyway after 17 m, and 22 yrs together, W dropped bomb 1 yr ago. We struggled through the fall into Jan. started MC in jan, she cried through all 3 sessions, after the 3rd, I sat her down and told her I could tell her heart was not in it. I offered to leave, come home on weekends and she would go to IC.. that lasted one vist.

She filed and would not even consider changing her mind in March, I resisted at first. I have been a pain in her a..s, I admit.. I was so angry and confused. She had a EA all fall, her refusal and insistance on being able to do whatever she wanted with her :"friend", lead to intense disagreements.

We fought over Custody and support.. the court awarded her a bullsh___ award, her attorney lied and said my 3 s's dont stay overnight with me, they were with me like 70% of the time. After the realization that I would have to move 1 hr away to the city where I work, (cost $500 a month to commute) I can not afford to pay support and commute. She cried and begged me to stay, she would give me back the payments if I stayed. She had already planned on taking second job with her "enabler" friend ( am I the only one who's was has an enabler, butting into your business) they are soo annoying. ya know, like the ugly girlfriend, who blows smoke up their butts and gives them terrible adivce.

anyway last week I finally caught her spending the night with her "were just friends" EA, she still denied it, she was there cleaning at 6am.. lol so with our Custody and support worked out, and her caught red handed having an A. I wrote an addendem to the divorce papers she served back in March. It was what we agreeded on in writing. I want to get away from this adultress, though it breaks my heart. ( recently read Poohbear "letting go". ) which finally gets me to my point.

tonight she hits me with a fourth night this week that she has to work over night on her second job. she works 7 to 7, she actually passed out last week at karate... what a dope. she is working like 80 hrs aweek.. anyway, now she says that she does not want kids to stay with me during the school week. She thinks they should have a babysitter and stay at her house overnight, for "stability'.

She has a masters degree in early childhood ed. I am 3 classes away from my masters in educational administration- are you kidding me? She is in love with some guy 15yrs younger, (denies it) She filed for divorce in March, I will sign this minute, just give me my sons 1/2 the time. I even agreed to take them a fourth night if she wants to work 4 nights. But I will not have them with a stranger overnight when they can be with me. Now she says she wont sign the adendem, HELP ME UNDERSTAND!, what's going on here... She wins, I quit.. I just want to take my boys 1/2 the time and I will go away. I have stopped hassling her. ( I usally do great, but have a backslide every 2-3 weeks.)

If she wants a D, why wont she sign? I really do want to let go.
_________________________
play hard or go home.

[a new 2moro]

oh the perils of MLC...its sad the kids are suffering beyond your suffering. she wont sign because confusion reigns.

[forward]

Goal, I think my H is at the "Uh oh, maybe this wasn't such a good idea" stage.

Nowhere further. Missing me? Well, the moony looks tell me there is maybe a little bit of regret but it is not reflected in his actions.

[goal]

Breton,

It is just a matter of time Breton.

[goal]

Inmyplace,

Thank you for that laugh. I needed that. Hope all is well with you...

[inmyplace]

You're welcome. It's just part of the service I offer!

All is well here. Will need sleep shortly. Have to get son up at 6am so he can eat his oatmeal well in advance of football practice at 7:30. mom comes home around 2 tomorrow and I get a break. I'll probably end up sleeping on the couch with my mouth slightly ajar and spittle running down my cheek.

Have a good friday.

IMP

[goal]

09-01-2007

Journaling:

My kids come home tomorrow after a 4 day stay at their dads.

It is funny sometimes how life changes. I never expected not to be with my kids on a holiday or weekend. I never expected the man that I loved to devastate me and constantly annihalate my character to his family and friends. I never expected my beloved inlaws to blame me for my husbands infidelity or to vacation with the OW 8 months after the bomb.

On the other hand, I never expected to learn so much about myself and who I am. I never thought that I could be this strong physically, mentally, and morally. I learned the true meaning of friendship and family. I learned how wonderful and true my God is. I learned the true meaning of faith and forgiveness. Most of all I learned to be true to myself by respecting my beliefs.

By going dark I have peace. There are times I really miss my H, but I remind myself that he is not the man that I married. He is the opposite in every way, shape and form. By going dark I risk that my H will forget about me - "out of sight out of mind thing". By going dark, I guess sometimes I hope that I forget about him. He is always there, in my heart though. He lives there when I see a pretty sunset, or when my daughter laughs, or when one of my patients die at work. I always hear his voice consoling me, commending me, or just talking with me. - I only hear the old H, not the new.

I wonder one day if H will come back to me asking for forgiveness, or will his pride be too much for him. What will my response be if he wants back. I guess it depends upon the day. Somedays I would embrace him and welcome him back. Other days I would tell him off and walk away, wanting him to feel rejected and abandoned like he left me and the kids.

I guess we never really know where our life will take us. What will happen or how we will respond to all the changes. I can only hope that I will have the ability to please my God and make him proud of me. I would only hope that I could be the very best example for my children.

I know the ball is in H's court. He has the ability to help himself and restore his family. It would take alot of work and effort on his part, but I know he could do it if he wanted too. I know he could ....

I also know that no matter what I say or do, it won't help this situation. He has to find his way on his own. He has to want his family back without any convincing on my part for this to work. He has to make the decision to love me again, to respect me again, and to work on a marriage again. His destiny is his, not mine. It may include me, it may not. It took me a while to accept this. It took me a while to even fathom that my husband maybe does not want me. It took me a while to see my part in a failed marriage.

I am not a doormat though. You are not either. We deserve respect, love, admiration and forgiveness for whatever our part was in the demise of our marriage. We do not deserve to be cheated on, talked about disrespectfully, or ignored. We do not deserve to be humiliated, abandoned, or made to feel horrible about ourselves. We do not deserve to be in such pain because our significant others cannot deal with their pain or past family issues.... -thus one of the main reasons I chose to go dark.

I rather remember my H like he was, then constantly see, hear, or deal with someone who is so into self-destructing. - like his mother did to herself and her family. The cycle was repeated. I tried to stop it, but was unsuccessful.

So I have gotten a life. I smile now and sometimes catch myself laughing. It no longer bothers me to go on walks alone or to be around intact families. Days do not go by so slow. I sleep and eat like a normal human being. I feel good about myself, sometimes even sexy. Time does heal. I have truly let go of my H and I am still living and breathing.

[Cinderellaman]

Goal I have to say that I absolutely LOVE this post of yours !

You have come SO FAR, you made all the right choices for YOU, well done !

I have taken that same path now too, it took me a very long time to see it .......to see that it is the only path I could take to be me again and to LIVE.

Thank you for putting it into words SO WELL !!!

I know we will have better futures because of the past and because of what we have learnt and dealt with !

Take care dear Goal !!! I wish you the VERY VERY best !

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Goal,

What a wonderful post. It is what most of us have gone through and feel. The words, your thoughts, the feelings are right on.

Like you I continue to think of H whether I see him or not, as the man I knew and not who he is now. That is when I realize that they are aliens now and maybe they'll be returned to us a better person. If not, well, the OW can keep them.

I guess we never really know where our life will take us. What will happen or how we will respond to all the changes. I can only hope that I will have the ability to please my God and make him proud of me. I would only hope that I could be the very best example for my children.

You have made Him proud. You are a better, stronger, smarter, more beautiful person because of this experience. You are a great example to your children.

I also know that no matter what I say or do, it won't help this situation. He has to find his way on his own. He has to want his family back without any convincing on my part for this to work. He has to make the decision to love me again, to respect me again, and to work on a marriage again.

Agree 100%. I had finally come to the same conclusion. I do not see my H as being happy with OW, he will give himself a heart attack due to the weight gain but we have to let them find their way. Only if they come back without any pressure from us can the M work.

So I have gotten a life. I smile now and sometimes catch myself laughing. It no longer bothers me to go on walks alone or to be around intact families. Days do not go by so slow. I sleep and eat like a normal human being. I feel good about myself, sometimes even sexy. Time does heal. I have truly let go of my H and I am still living and breathing.

The place where you have finally arrived to is what is important. When you are feeling good about yourself, everything else that is good will follow. You ARE a success.

Thank you for this wonderful post.

Hugs,
ISLH

[goal]

Cinders and I still love him,

Thank You for your kind words. I truly love you guys and feel so bonded with you even though I have not seen your faces.

Luv Goal