Retrouvaille vs Counseling

[25yearsmlc]

That's fine Sara, although I don't think challenging someone to take charge of their life when you've spent so much time posting, is the same as a criticism. And by the way, I am Catholic as well. I understand his dilemma but feel much more choice can be exercised within a M than simply leaving or staying. There is some victimhood going on too, and cannot be overlooked by any of us in our situations.

Maybe you can check out my thread sometime b/c I'm in "piecing" and there is much more hope to your sitch than you may realize. The story is too long to rehash here and it's your thread, so suffice to say that I'm a believer in DBing (and Retrovaille, and mc and marriage encounters and whatever the heck works for a couple) and that I doubt I'd be married without it. In fact, seriously, I am sure I'd be done and gone if I had not picked up the Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting books (I found D.R. a little better, imho).

I thought I had no choice b/c my h had left the home. I didn't chase him (couldn't have anyhow) or berate him but started the detachment process--HUGE and also, totally connected to forgiveness, meaning, without letting go of the harm they've caused you, you cannot detach. BUT that doesn't mean be a doormat nor does it mean you have to forgive overnight or never again look at the harm, but you need to put it aside for awhile just to function. At least I did. My h leaving really hurt so badly that it consumed me. So did my anger. For myself, for ME to survive, I had to somehow not keep staring at the pain and injustice of it all. So, detaching helped immensely. I also read some Marianne Williamson books on forgiveness, in which she has exercises for it. She can be too religious for some people, (Christian in general, but also discusses common themes with other faiths too) and for some people she is too "new agey". I just got a lot out of those exercises and doing the forgiveness work...which led me to start really GAL and eventually, I became stronger and even, dare I say it, "happier"? And guess who noticed things as I got stronger and more detached/distant/moving on? Yep, you guessed it. H started coming around within a few months of my moving forward in my life. No "proof" of a connection. I just know that no matter what happens from now on, I will be alright. I can be happy with or without h. I do love him, but if I had to, I'd make it without him as I did the past 2+ years.

And though our M is not out of the woods by any means, I'd have given us a 10% chance of staying M if you had asked me 2 years ago, or even 1 year ago. Now, I'd give us 2 out of 3. And if things continue as they are, that # will grow. But so you know, that's my time line. Over 2 years, although to my knowledge there was no OW. I know, that does make a difference. But on the other hand, I had nothing to compare my h's sitch to, b/c there was no OW but he chose to leave me and the kids for a .....job in Alaska???? I know, I know, MLC....still, so hard to comprehend. I now accept that I will probably not ever comprehend it, and that's okay. I don't have to comprehend all of his past choices. Heck, I don't comprehend all MY own choices when I look back far enough.

Don't give up. And don't confuse detaching/letting go, with slamming the door shut on a reconciliation. You can move on, and keep the door open, or at least, not locked. Keep on posting, and doing the program. It works.
j-