DONNA--finding herself #15

[oldtimer]

Donna,

Quit looking for answers other than no contact.

Stop thinking about this stuff, go to three movies in a row if you have to. You are getting nowhere.

And quit worrying what he does or does not want you to do or not do. It is none of his damn business. You can't figure it out anyway. And even if you could it would get you know where.

Have you asked the psychiatrist about something to help with the obsessive thinking?

[Reincarnated]

Bleh. No, just vented for the hour and said the suicidal thoughts were gone (so no changes in meds). I'll give her a call tomorrow and see what she thinks.

I think I'll just go to bed. I feel like I can never get enough time in a row to stop thinking about this mess--court Mon, then kids with him tonight and tomorrow for dinner...
I am feeling the need to get away again--looking forward to LI this weekend, and no contact from him from tomorrow night thru Wed evening.

*****

I can be independent. I can raise my children well. I can take care of my house and the chores needed to maintain it, or hire out what I can't do myself. I will continue meaningful work at my career, working with children and opening their minds to the gifts of visual arts. I will enjoy working with friends and our girls in scouting, trying new things and watching them grow strong and independent themselves. I will continue to grow and learn all sorts of new things for my mind and my body.

I can manage my life, all by myself. And there are days when the beauty of the sky, or a spider web, still stops me in my tracks. I can notice and be grateful for the small things, like a brief flower-scented breeze. Or the sound of giggles down the hall.

[oldtimer]

Did you do this?

Give that child-Donna the love and protection she needs YOURSELF.

Quite literally. Imagine yourself small, vulnerable, emotionally abandoned, feeling like crap. Talk to her OUT LOUD. Give her mental hugs and hug the dog. Comfort her yourself. You can do it for your own kids. You can do it for the kid you still have inside you.

[Reincarnated]

I have been trying to think about this, but more when I am very upset.

I was actually down (from court Mon) through last night. But I spoke with a friend late, and by then was starting to feel better. Still doing the loops in the roller coaster, but the spiral is on its way back up. I don't dip down quite as deep each time.

I would be so angry at a man who did this to a friend. I have to get some distance here, see him for what he is right now. I keep looking past too much, looking back to what he was and applying it to today. Things changed and I haven't kept up.

[mkultra]

Donna,
I am feeling a lot of the same feelings you are. You see we have been together the same amount of time almost. I married my prom date and best friend.

The rub is I have never had to see the OW and I will never run into the OW and I do not allow my H to go to any school or scout functions because he is loco. Your H is loco but he acts sane enough with the CW right in front of you. That would drive anyone crazy. Now I know you are not crazy but c'mon, is he a masicist? Is she? How could these people be so selfish and cruel?

Donna,
These thoughts are obsessive but if they cannot stop then it is good that you continue journaling them here with us. Not only are you helping yourself by purging these thoughts, you are helping your family so that you can get some clear feedback and have a history of your roller coaster and growth. And yes you have to hit rock bottom before you climb back up. The problem is that the bottom keeps sinking once we feel we are getting better.

May I also say that your journaling is also helping others. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be joining you in a few weeks as my H gets closer to finding a place to move with OW and introducing OW to my children. My mother mentioned this to me and it is very frightening. I keep thinking how did this happen in our lives? But look, it is all around us so find peace that you are not alone. People do hook up with coworkers, neighbours, friends, exes, even friends' exes, and sposes best friends,yuck. WS go out with who is conveniently in front of them. There is no love or magic involved. They were unhappy and kept it a secret and found a reason in their head to stray. The reason seem so insignificant but they exist just to alleviate them of the guilt. It could be clutter, sex, friendship, kids, messy house, etc. My H's excuse was that I could not respect a man who did not complete college. Crock. I could care less about that but he stands firm on that one. I am also a clutter person and it was my goal to keep the sink clear until the disposal broke and I have no money or man to fix it. Digress.

I was lucky it was a random stranger who hooked up with my H but it does not matter, because he thinks it is love after a few months. This is really stupid part because my CDs say that the brain can talk itselfinto love so it is a technique that married peopel use every now and then to rekindle. Great so my H used with the wrong person!

Your H's reaction is one of shame and he does not know how to manifest it so he blames you for the loss of respect from all involved. he is a liar and a cheat who is trying to salvage his father and son image. He will always stay in denial so don't try to convince him of what a creep he is. Again, don't try to convince him of anything you are feeling. It will not matter to him how much he has hurt you. It does not matter to him how much you have lost. he will fight the feelings of guilt at every turn. Denial will only get stronger if you contact him with any more info of his assholeness. My dad was a serial cheater and he has been in denial for over 30 years.

The only way he can finally see his own responsibility is when you shine and I mean shine! What a life you have to get now girl! It is like you have something to prove, that Donna loves life! The doctor on Oprah said the best gift we can give our kids is to show them how much we love life! This is the most important thing. I know it is hard but you still have a lot of strength in you. let me know how it goes. I am thinking about you.

[oldtimer]

"see him for what he is right now. I keep looking past too much, looking back to what he was and applying it to today."

Donna, I think you simply keep looking past too much. I think you have ALWAYS been looking past to much. He was never what you wanted to see, and you always looked past it.

This is why I keep suggesting the bulk of this really isn't about him. It is about what you need to believe about yourself. If you figure out what those things are, you can belive them without him, as you were always the true source of those beliefs anyway.

You are a good girl. You are a good person. You are lovable. You do deserve to be treated well.

[Sara]

MK.

That's the best, assholeness. We could have a contest and give a prize to the spouse of the WAS who displays the greatest ammount of assholeness.

[Reincarnated]

Hope you meant LBS... ;0)

I am feeling much better today. I will have kids in the classroom starting tomorrow, and I got to be with old friends and colleagues who talk about things other than R/M. I got back into all of the exciting things that make my job such a joy--talking about teaching and theories, research, how to make a difference in these littles lives...I LOVE what I do, and feel so blessed to be doing what I dreamed of since I was in 4th grade. I also got my iBook back, so we have the 2 computers in the house again.

I got home in time to get D off the bus. CW was in her drive with her smallest girl. I said hi to the girl and walked up to the bbus stop. CW has arranged to have her D dropped off at the house. Good.
I thanked the bus driver for making the special double stops--we have known her for 8 years. I asked that she not let my D get off the bus with CW if I am ever late. You could see the lightbulb go off in her head, and she said she would call me later.

I was only home about 10 minutes before H came to get the kids. He brought the tv for them :0) I'll hook it up tonight. D was actually not even all the way home from the bus, but got right into his truck. CW was out in her driveway with her brood, and he ignored her. Good. He seemed pissed off or tired, but I actually spoke to him for a second--said thanks for switching the tvs, gave him the clicker for the other one and his back brace. I told him that I am still collecting his things as I find them. He said that he was glad it came with a clicker--he only gets basic cable with 6 channels (poor baby), and no remote.
I also said that the 4pm time wasn't working--he was 10 minutes late, and D didn't even get a chance to go to the bathroom, can we make it 4:30? He agreed, and asked if I was picking them up tonight. I said I could, and he looked relieved and said thanks. Told the kids bye and have a good time, then went inside. No drama. No emotion. And I wasn't even faking--yay, me :0)

I know that I am going to be ok, so will the kids and the family. He flushed his life down the toilet. I don't know if he will ever find his happiness, but I know that I will

[SallyM]

donna, that sounds like a really good day...yay! hopefully things continue to go smoothly. and nice that you have a good relationship with the bus driver.

[oldtimer]