back from the pool...mostly had a great time. there is one nice looking life guard that is fun for us moms to observe as we help our kids paddle around. under cover of sunglasses, of course. lol.
my friend's h appeared about an hour in and that's where things went a bit south. he's awesome, great with my kids, but its not quite the same as your own daddy being there. S5 got a bit sad at one point...very sad...but I was able to distract him with some play. but oh how hard that was seeing him so sad. friend's h was awesome and got him involved in some stuff, too, but ouch.
chilling out a bit before the kids bedtime. I think we're all a bit wiped out today.
been doing some thinking about h, and did some talking with my friend while at the pool (adult swim is great for this, we paddle out to the center of the pool while the kids chill out on the steps).
its so weird, I can't imagine my life without h, but at the same time, I can't imagine us ever reconciling at this point. I can't even imagine what it would take. and, as I've said before, I can't even picture it happening at this point. so I guess I need to get that new vision more firmly planted in my mind of my life w/o him. So hard when we have so much contact because of the kids. I guess I don't really know how to walk that line between friendly but distant, and completely shut down. thinking about being friendly with him turns my stomach...its hard not to, but it always ends up hurting me because it makes me soften toward him...which in turn keeps me wanting him back. but being shut down seems to also make things miserable, and I would hate for us to have a miserable divorce. a psuedo friendly one is awful enough.
any words of wisdom?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
under cover of sunglasses, of course. lol. 
