"The question was, is my husband ever going to be able to do enough to make up for his infidelity. The answer is no."
Wow, psychic, huh?
Sounds like the easy way out...
Whatever happened to Retrouvaille? What is the risk? You are so skittish about it, I think the real threat to you is exploring your own intimacy issues and doing some tough growth around those issues.
Methinks you are more like your mom if you hold onto bitterness and not grow past the infidelity than if you let go of the bitterness and allow for the possibility of genuine intimacy -- whether or not your M ultimately succeeds or not.
I have come to the same place, however, I am of the opinion my H can still do A LOT to make up for his infidelity and I am still willing after all the crap he has put me through to give him one last chance.
We are here for ya - hang tough sweetie (((Gwyn)))
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
So. I was in my first marriage for 18 years and it was over after the first year. I stuck it out even when in my heart it wasn't good. My current marriage isn't good either and I've decided not to settle. I'm just not willing to give another 18 years of my life away.
Quote:
I am still willing after all the crap he has put me through to give him one last chance.
Why?
I'm not bitter and I'm not angry. It is what it is. I believe I've grown through this process and for the better. I can't say that I know what I want, but I can tell you what I don't want. I'm ready for my journey and sobeit if I choose to be alone through it. It's not all doom and gloom. I'm actually feeling okay.
Why am I willing? Because, in my case, the alternative is not all that rosey. I have a lot of history with my current H, he is my best friend (believe it or not), we have a great life together, we have a lot of the same interests, friends, morals (yes, morals) and what we are going through right now are symptoms of a disorder he has, a real disorder.
don't get me wrong, I am NOT giving him excuses. He is still responsible for his actions but he doesn't even have a clue as to how to change these things - thus the appointment on the 21st to see this new T that is supposedly experienced in this type of disorder. However, having said that, I think I owe it to myself and to our M to put myself out on a limb and see if this M can be saved, but it won't be without H's total effort too. If it is just me and he is back to his same ole ways, it ends, here and now
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
"So. I was in my first marriage for 18 years and it was over after the first year. I stuck it out even when in my heart it wasn't good. My current marriage isn't good either and I've decided not to settle. I'm just not willing to give another 18 years of my life away."
Gwyn,
AGAIN, you are making your options LEAVE OR SETTLE FOR AN M YOU DON'T WANT. The idea that these are your only two options sounds like an idea your mother has unhelpfully drilled into your head. Do you really want to be like her and count those as your only choices? You will stay as stuck as her if you do so.
What keeps happening to option 3?
Why are you so incredibly resistant to it? Option 3 is the one to pursue if you want the kind of growth you will need to be in a sustainable, vibrant, authentic, intimate R with anyone, whether it turns out to be H or not.
If a sincere, raw, risky, emotional investment doesn't lead to changes in your M that makes it one you want, by all means leave. But first try the things YOU NEED TO TRY to grow past this roadblock you have to intimacy.
And, you know d*mn well I have NEVER suggested you settle. Your reply to me was defensive mumbo jumbo avoiding the issue.
Quitting without making a sincere effort to find a great M with H is taking the easy way out. You know it. And you know you have not done so -- you play nice, make things amicable, hide your true self to H, and have not risked laying it all on the line in case he decides to leave you at that point.
OT, what is the issue? Here's the way I see it, he is not forthcoming with me. He is very secretive. Last night he lied. It was good lie but nevertheless it was a lie. Here's what happened. He had two notices from the bank that 2 separate checks bounced. I didn't open them as they were addressed to him but I know what they were, seen them numerous times. I didn't question him about it or act like I knew, I simply figured it was his business. However, he brought it up - he said well the oral surgeon screwed me up, I paid him $200 at the time of surgery from my debit card and they went in earlier this week and withdrew from the balance without his knowledge or permission. Now, that's just stupid and quite a lie. It continually insults my intelligence. The only thing I said was oh my that hurts.
OT, I'm not going to blindside him. I have leveled with him to a point. It's just been within the last 2 weeks after talking to my IC that I think we have a lot of problems in our marriage and quite frankly, it's not me. With that being said, I said on a previous post that my IC wants to counsel us together now and together we are going to lay it out to my H. I know that my communication skills are poor so my C is going to mediate for us. My IC also told me that he would like to see us continue to make a go of our M and he wants to counsel us keeping that in mind. It's not all lost, it's just that I'm not emotionally attached anymore. I don't trust my H and I certainly don't respect him so yes, from here on out it will be tougher to stay together - I'm not sure I have much fight left in me. Two options, stay or go, my third is to continue down this cheesless tunnel, H trying hard, me trying hard and me continuing to drive myself crazy trying to retrain my thoughts. It is very, very difficult. I have to ask though, why am I made out to be the bad guy because I'm moving forward with my life? I don't understand that. I have tried, I'm still trying. But I'm just not that optimistsic anymore. I'm growing emotionally and mentally. I'm stepping outside of the box looking in for the first time in a long time. I really feel that I'm making progress.
You seem to be changing your story. Yesterday you were quitting, "With that being said, I think it's time to move on - without him." Today you are going to try counseling with him.
Levelling with someone to a point is not levelling with them. Blithely going along when you think someone is lying to your face is not authentic. You will not find the kind of R you want with anyone until you learn to be present and authentic in an R. I thought you might try to do that with H and see what happens. But apparently that is not to be.
You win. I agree. You have decided that counseling will not help. You have already ruled out possiblity (3). Get comfortable in your mom's world in which options (1) and (2) are the only options in any relationship, I expect you will be there awhile.
I am glad to hear that you are feeling less stuck in your life. I sincerely wish you the best. I wish you could bypass the stage of putting a lot of your intimacy problems on H, but it is probably not something that can be bypassed. I do hope you get to the other side of it. (And this has ZERO to do with whether or not your M ultimately succeeds, it has to do with what your ability to put your true self into an R go get what you so want from one.)
