Guys, you aren't telling me something I don't know. I'm not looking for coddling, I'm looking for answers. I appreciate your candor, really I do. I understand that I need to make a decision, stay or go. I know this - but it's hard. On the one hand, I love being with my H - he makes me laugh, we share a lot of hobbies, etc, but on the other hand, I want someone I respect, and to be intimate with, someone who "needs" sex and will gladly share in that with me. I'm scared, I don't trust my judgment and someone pointed out to me this weekend, I just don't want to be bothered in making the decision so I ignore it all. It's too much trouble and it's just easier to stay. Maybe she's right.
I was thinking at lunch today as to what in life I want? What changes should I make to be able to reach for what I want in life? You know, I have everything any one could want. I'm truly blessed. I have a beatiful home, good food to eat, nice car, wonderful job, good friends, healthy and loving children, what in the world could I possibly want that I don't already have? Nothing. As far as my H goes, I can live with him, I can try to love him, I know that we'll have fun doing life, but I'm not crazy about him anymore. It's not even a mature love, it's a love that I have for a friend. Now, I have to ask myself, is that enough? The answer is yes. I've always enjoyed the friendship of others and I guess it ain't so bad to be married to a friend. Am I missing something for settling? Probably, but what are my alternatives? I wold love to have an open, honest husband who burns with desire for me and most of all I would have loved a faithful marriage, but that ain't gonna happen for me, not in this marriage and probably not in my next. I was raised in home where men cheated - I've been exposed to this behaviour all of my life and I don't know anything different so with that being said, it's a part of my life and I guess I accept the fact that men cheat. Now, I have to decide is whether I can live with it or if I can't. Right now, I'm leaning that I can't because I cannot heal from the pain, but I know that if I don't, I may be worse off. I'm somewhat journaling so this may be all over the place with my thinking. At any rate, I suppose I could be content to live with my best friend.
Gwyn I was raised in home where men cheated - I've been exposed to this behavior all of my life and I don't know anything different so with that being said, it's a part of my life and I guess I accept the fact that men cheat.
I was raised in a family where men didn’t cheat. Some of the neighbor guys might have cheated and drank a lot, but no one I know in our family cheated. I just wanted to show you another side of another coin. Not all coins (men) are the same.
Now if you consider posting my feelings, thought, frustrations, and discussing options with a friend or on a public forum, a version of cheating, I guess almost all men cheat.
Many of the guys on this forum with LD W’s have heard our W say they didn’t like sex that often and maybe we, the H should find a friend with benefits (FWB); to which all of the SSM forum men said, they wouldn’t go the FWB route. So here is a situation where we are told (bait) to cheat and we don’t do it.
Like I said, we all knew the "go find a FWB" was bait, so maybe that doesn’t count as an example of a guy not cheating.
Gwyn, all I am saying is, sure some men cheat and I want you to know and start thinking some don’t cheat. If 50% of men cheat, 50% don’t cheat!(made up numbers)
By thinking “all/most men cheat” you are defeating your long-term goals with or w/o your H in the picture.
You seem to want to control the sitch. Either YOU STAY or YOU GO. You want to have total control over whether your M continues or not.
You keep forgetting choice #3 here.
(1) You stay and settle for an M you don't want. (2) You give up on your M. (3) You INVEST in your M by taking the emotional risk to being committed to trying to make it something wonderful for you EVEN IF THIS BACKFIRES.
(3) is the best choice for pursuing what you want in your life. But, (3) also requires you to quit trying to control everything.
3) is the best choice for pursuing what you want in your life. But, (3) also requires you to quit trying to control everything.
The only thing I'm trying to control is me and my emotions. Ret. is still an option - that hasn't been thrown out the window, yet.
Here's where I am, I don't have to stay if I don't want to, my H violated our M at the very beginning. Yes, my H wants more than anything in the world for our m to succeed, I at this point could care less one way or another. I'm not cold to my H, nor am I uninvolved in our R, I'm just not all about him any more. I have kids that live close by a sister and a mom. I could use their companionship as well and those are the people that I've ignored since I M my H. I always chose to be by H's side rather than visiting family. Well, I'm not going to do that any more. As I said, he is NOT my universe any more. My life is much bigger than our marriage. That's the way I see it and whatever will be will be.
BTW, in my world, I had no brothers, only a father and he was a cheater - actually fathered a child through his infidelity. My uncle cheated, my mom's father cheated, no one in my life didn't cheat. My father and grandfather are long passed away and I still haven't gotten away from cheaters. Yes, I know that this way of thinking is counterproductive and I don't dwell on this stuff - I'm just trying to express to you why it doesn't matter to me. I am staying because it's my duty to stay at least that's what my mom told me and I'm trying to make the situation as pleasant as possible. I have a duty to fulfill so that my family can be proud that I overcame all of this and I'm trying very hard not to disappoint anyone.
This puts you back at (1). (1) is simply going to lead to (2).
I'm not sure why you are defensive about having a life. If you are unhappy in your M because you choose to give up too much of yourself, not much H can do about that. So, good for you for getting a life, but maybe try to stop being defensive about it.
I think it is pretty unhealthy to have your mom in the middle of your marital issues.
Re your childhood, H's infidelity, your intimacy issues, your mother... I think it would be great if you could work on this stuff in IC. Maybe read some stuff on boundaries...
OT, I totally understand where you're coming from. I truly do! I had nothing better to do at lunch except for drive around and do some thinking. It occurred to me, and I've posted on how much I've been blessed, that I'm happy with my life, its comfortable. My H happens to be in my life and because the fit is comfortable, I keep wearing it. Yes, I understand that I can have a great marriage or I can have a not so great marriage. I have a choice. Unfortunately, and please don't think I'm copping out, I have cuts so deep and I'm aware that they will heal but our marriage will never be the same. Can it be better? Do scars heal? Sure they do, some better than others, it really depends where the wound was inflicted. Well, we all know that the heart broken in a million pieces can't possibly be put together better. Okay, those that are able to put their marriage back together and have a better marriage because of it, well, they must be a better person than me. Can I do it? I'm sure I can, I've alway succeeded in anything that I've tried to do. Now, do I want to? That's another issue that I have to search deep into my soul and heart to find those answers. I'm confident that one day I'll know that answer without a shadow of a doubt.
Journaling: I started thinking about OT advise about looking into boundaries so I did a little research. I have boundaries but somehow when those boundaries are crossed, I have no experience to deal with them. I accept them which cycles me back into battling within myself because I accepted them so I reset them. Such as if my H ever cheats again, I'll walk and never look back. Guess what? I set that boundary before we were ever married and he knew them. He had the same boundary and I knew not to overstep them. Okay, he cheated and I accepted him back. No my feelings are mixed because on the one hand, I don't accept this behavior, but on the other hand, I did accept this behavior because I'm back with him. I swore I would never be like my mother and I'm just like her. I've never involved her in my marital problems but she couldn't help but know this one since my anxiety put me in an attack and I had to go to the hospital. So I leveled with her. That's when she told me to stay because I would loose everything if I didn't. She pointed out to me what if you saw your H out with another woman after divorcing him? I know you, you would flip out and couldn't handle this. Why set yourself up for that? He wants to stay with you, he said he loves you, blah, blah. Same stuff my dad told her, yet he was so angry at my mom all the time because he stayed with her. Mom was angry all the time because he cheated. The fought, we had the police at our house numerous times, it was a very dysfunctional family and I feel like that's what I've learned. Make the best of dysfunction. I believe one of my biggest battles within myself is the realization that I shouldn't be with my H. His cheating is totally unacceptable and the things that I knew before I married him was unacceptable yet I overlooked them because of my need to have someone in my life. He was pretty good to me, so why not? I didn't have the strength to move on because if I did I would risk loosing him and that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. Once again, I accepted things that I shouldn't have. Now, how do I break my cycle? Leave and try again to be more successful in setting boundaries? Accept my H's crossing the boundaries and not accept it from him in the future? I don't trust my H and I frankly don't see me ever trusting him. I didn't trust him or myself when we were dating and that hasn't changed. I surely don't respect my H, I don't have much reason to respect him except for the fact that he goes to work everyday. Boundaries? That simple word has got me reeling. I have boundaries but I keep adjusting them to fit my situation. How do I be true to myself?
Update: Went to IC today and asked talked to him about me being like my mom and h being like my dad. He said there is definately some similarities, but he didn't expand on it. We went into a session regarding how I'm feeling a little disconnected with marriage. About how I've gotten my emotions in control and how I'm starting to look inside the box and asking myself some real questions. My IC is PRO-marriage so with the me beginning to detach and very vulnerable, he puts our marriage more in a crises mode so he wants to see us both and being MC again.
You know, I asked myself a very hard question after my session. The question was, is my husband ever going to be able to do enough to make up for his infidelity. The answer is no. With that being said, I think it's time to move on - without him.
