If you have Plan B on standby, then him not honoring his vow would also be self defeating. Of course, if that’s what he decides, then there is nothing more to debate. But if he goes with Plan A, he will also be vulnerable to whether you honor your vow. So it comes to a stalemate in which BOTH of you have to go out on a limb and place your faith in each other.
]… but these "triggers" have been laid out to him on many other occasions. … if I just lay low for a while, things will be back to where they were"
Yes, the basic problem seems to be you not enforcing your boundaries. So now you have to establish your credibility, but you worry it is late in the game and doing so now might create the D that you have been trying to avoid for so long, but not enforcing your boundaries.
He knows this is all up to him, I have removed myself of the responsibility totally.
Are you sure this is true? If it were, why the doubts over whether he gets it this time or not? Make up some form of written contract. Lay out exactly what is expected of both of you. Then if he does something to break the contract, let the letter of the contract do the enforcement. If any of the conditions listed occur, then Plan B is triggered. Take you out of it. (Of course this means that you also have to be willing to take the risk of Plan B being triggered, rather than rescuing both him and you from that possibility, as you had done in the past.) BTW, this is just an idea. I’m sure there are other variations of this.
