Madonna/Whore Part 8 (aka Attachment Therory)

[Cobra]

Heywire,

So, IF it is comfortable for me, I need to continue on with regular marriage activities, affection etc.?

IMO, if this is the path you want, Plan A, then acting as if you are going with Plan B might be self defeating, don't you think? In a situation as unstable as yours, I would not walk too closely to the line, but give a little margin for error, assuming it is comfortable for you. That's just my take on it though.

[Heywyre]

Yes, it would definitely seem self-defeating but at the same time, just going along with Plan A (which is, of course, what I would prefer) might send out the wrong signals too. After all, **I** have allowed him to cross that line way too many times so is this any different in his mind. will he just think "oh, she is coming around again and if I just lay low for a while, things will be back to where they were"

Is that just a fear in my own head?

[Cobra]

Heywire,

If you have Plan B on standby, then him not honoring his vow would also be self defeating. Of course, if that’s what he decides, then there is nothing more to debate. But if he goes with Plan A, he will also be vulnerable to whether you honor your vow. So it comes to a stalemate in which BOTH of you have to go out on a limb and place your faith in each other.

]… but these "triggers" have been laid out to him on many other occasions.
… if I just lay low for a while, things will be back to where they were"

Yes, the basic problem seems to be you not enforcing your boundaries. So now you have to establish your credibility, but you worry it is late in the game and doing so now might create the D that you have been trying to avoid for so long, but not enforcing your boundaries.

He knows this is all up to him, I have removed myself of the responsibility totally.

Are you sure this is true? If it were, why the doubts over whether he gets it this time or not? Make up some form of written contract. Lay out exactly what is expected of both of you. Then if he does something to break the contract, let the letter of the contract do the enforcement. If any of the conditions listed occur, then Plan B is triggered. Take you out of it. (Of course this means that you also have to be willing to take the risk of Plan B being triggered, rather than rescuing both him and you from that possibility, as you had done in the past.) BTW, this is just an idea. I’m sure there are other variations of this.

[oldtimer]

Perhaps you could build in more than all or nothing consequences so that you can send a message without abandoning M.

Tell him with each step you will take more emotional/physical space. Then stick to your word and implement next plan as needed.

1) Plan A--stay warm invested in M
2) Plan B -- take more space, stop physical contact
3) Plan C -- physically separate in house
4) Plan D -- legal sep
5) Plan E -- file 4 D

[Heywyre]

I like that plan of attack OT

Setting out some definite guidelines for BOTH of us will establish what needs to be done. But, like you said, *I* have to stick with what I say, and not back down, as difficult as it might be

I was talking to my best friend today (she lives 3,000 miles from me and is the ONLY one that knows about our situation) and she told me she is concerned about me because sometimes I can be "too strong" for my own good. But, I truly feel that this time it is different. I knew I had to get to "this" place before I could take the next step and I now know staying in the situation I am in now would be much worse than trying to get over the pain of losing him.

H met me for lunch today and said he'd phoned about another job (pays not as much per hour but it is full time) and I said "it would be pretty hard for you to beat what you already have (which is only 3 days a week) but he said "ya, but I might need to make extra money down the road".

This is something that is weighing heavy on him too because I would be fine, I make more than he does but he has more financial commitments than I do. We talked briefly about those things and I ended it because it was getting way too emotional and is not necessary to talk about at this point.

[OG_Lou]

To add to OT and Cobra's ideas, look at/read/print out forms from the following site.

Marriage Builders Plan A and Plan B
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Also Look for and read The Policy of Joint Agreement on the left side of the page.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5515_qa.html

Marriage Builders® Forms and Questionnaires (on the left side of the page)
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html


Maybe you don't need the following:

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

How to Survive Infidelity
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

[OG_Lou]

Heywyre, you still breathing?

[Heywyre]

Just barely

[OG_Lou]

Sorry to hear you are just barely breathing. Maybe you would feel better if you let a few things out and vented a little.

You can change your opinion later.

Lou

[Heywyre]

Right now I am feeling too overwhelmed to post anything. I still frequent the boards just to keep up to date on the happenings but my own personal life I feel is on hold to some degree until H goes to see this new therapist on the 21st of the month. There has been so much that has happened between the two of us in the past month that I just want to block it all out for the time being

My life has been a turmoil of emotions since my brother was in hospital and has now come to live with us. There is a possibility he will be for a while, maybe a year, but I can't see anything under 6 months. We have had some wonderful conversations, a lot of laughter and a lot of tears. My brother has no clue but he has been my strength the last few weeks he has been here. I do not need to burden him with my problems but he knows my personal relationship with H is strained - he does not need to know details at this time. I need to be there for him as much as possible and just deal with things one day at a time

I have "let go of the rope" so to speak, with regard to my M. I can no longer carry the burden of "fixing" things. It is up to H to do what needs to be done to salvage this R, and a big part will depend on his meeting with the new therapist at the end of next week. I have my good and bad days but am trying to remain as neutral as possible through all of this. My life is basically on hold for at least 6-12 months while I help my brother get back on his feet and try and GAL myself.