To me, the problem is that his independent viewing of porn is occurring.
But that is YOUR problem, not his... given that you recognize that your opinions differ on the matter. The fact that he is being discrete about it says to me that at least he recognizes your opinion as valid. Him lying about it is just avoiding the fight he knows will come IF he is honest with you. Because.... you WANT your problem with his porn watching to BE his problem.
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If you're defining the problem as the distance I've maintained in the R, I'm not entirely convinced that is a problem.
It isn't... unless you are distancing because he is not behaving in the way YOU want him to. That's just a version of stomping your foot.
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I guess sometimes you have to get further away from your goal before you can start to approach it. Being distant is allowing myself to detach some from this issue, which I really need to do.
That I can see. Dropping THE ISSUE, but not all EC, for the punishment does not fit the 'crime.'
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Being distant is hopefully giving H the opportunity to assess the situation in his own way.
That... is manipulative.
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He certainly does not control my sexual urges, because believe me, they are still there. But his actions can have an impact on whether or not I choose to act on those urges with him.
Yeah, they can. I'm not sure what actions you are talking about, tho.
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Yeah, I'm struggling with this too. I'd like to be able to say that he can't have both porn and me.
You can say it. What you get as a result of saying it, tho...
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He needs to take his pick or wear himself out of MB to girls on a computer screen.
He needs to, or you need him to?
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It's a problem though because it deprives me of something I need.
No, you are depriving you.
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But there needs to be consequences for his choices.
This is still a control issue for you... you are attempting to control his behavior, his feelings and his beliefs. If he doesn't do it the way you want him to, then you think it should be only right and fair that he accept YOUR punishment.
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It FEELS right to say, based on my feelings about the issue, you can't have both.
It feels good to me, to indulge a hissy fit every now and then... but the hissy fit doesn't get me anywhere.
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Well, ok. I don't FEEL he's entitled to sex with me because I FEEL like he's made his choice and he can't choose both.
Yeah... and look at that sentence. That's all **I** statements. With projection onto him.
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Exactly. That's why I feel confident that by telling him he cannot have both would place him in the 'crucible' so to speak and then he would have a choice. It seems to me if he chooses porn, he could not live with that decision long term. If he can, well I guess it's up to me to make my decision next.
Yeah, and if you are going to go that route, you'd better be willing to back it up. Otherwise, you are just making threats... and I don't no many people that respond to well to those.
I still don't think Porn is the issue, btw. But. That's just IMO.
