Boy, people really do want the paperwork to *mean something big*, huh?
Look, I haven't filed my taxes on time for the last two years. I had to file extensions. Why? Because I had more important priorities in my life and it wasn't going to hurt me to put off addressing my tax returns. I wanted my tax returns done, it just made more sense to put them off.
D paperwork is a lot like a tax return to very many WASs. Other priorities are more pressing and attractive, D business is tedious, stressful, and takes funds and energy that could be applied to other priorities.
This does not make WASs in denial, lost in a fog, ready to run home, immature, or directionless. (This is not to say that many WASs aren't some of these things. Rather, the D-paperwork is not the big marker of such things that people would like it to be.)
Of course, at some point in handling the D, most will feel some sadness. They are not inhuman or evil. But fear/avoidance of that sadness is not driving the WASs idleness. In most cases, they don't even really expect it and are taken by surprise at their feelings if they occur. (No, this does not mean that they will think they were wrong, it just means that they will recognize that ending the M legally has more of an emotional impact than they anticipate.)
IMP--yes probably asking people who are WASs about this would yield better answers, but I don't think it is a problem, really, to ask about it here.
The question is motive. Motive probably has to do with wanting to hear that it means something that in all liklihood it doesn't. That is, the motive is to get some cheerleading either for the chances of the M or for the LBSs greater rightness, maturity, and so on...
have to ask how you know this with certainty?
not saying you're wrong just saying tha unless you are/were a WAS no one can really know why they don't go ahead and file.
could be any number of reasons from the ones you say here to confusion like so many want to believe to lack of money to fear of lawyers. heck i have no clue.
i agree wiyh imp that this question would be better answered by a WAS
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I tried to come back to edit those posts, but it is too late.
Let me put my point differently.
Don't get wrapped around your axle and invest too much in the WAS's reason for not doing D paperwork. It isn't worth it.
1) It may very well not mean much of anything at all. 2) If it does mean something, you won't know that until the WAS starts to work on a new R or new M with you.
So, making the D paperwork another focal point for the LBS just isn't very productive.
"This does not make WASs in denial, lost in a fog, ready to run home, immature, or directionless"
I disagree. You stated it somewhat differently as "not a priority"--but fair or not, marital status is a very basic part of a person's identity in this culture.
If you are lingering in the limboland, you are not acknowledging or accepting a fact of life. Actually, that would be multiple facts of life, as things like death and taxes do hinge on marital status.
Young rebels might fight the idea of getting married. Older rebels might choose to get divorced or to not get married again.
But staying in limbo is an undecision. It is mark of immaturity and lack of direction.
"I don't like being married but I'm not going to DO anything about it."
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
No, I was not a WAS if that is what you were asking. I certainly know people who have left their Ms though.
I wasn't speaking with certainty about any particular case. I was careful to make sure I didn't talk about all cases. I'm speaking in generalities. Why do I think those generalities are true? Some things just become pretty clear over time.
No, I was not a WAS if that is what you were asking. I certainly know people who have left their Ms though.
I wasn't speaking with certainty about any particular case. I was careful to make sure I didn't talk about all cases. I'm speaking in generalities. Why do I think those generalities are true? Some things just become pretty clear over time.
i knew you werent a WAS.
i think in some cases what you say is true, but i would venture a guess that not in most is that the case.
i agree w/breton that marital status is a basic part of a person's identity and that not making a decision is a mark of indecision and immaturity, but i dont think we should get hung on it either, as you said
bfm
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
You'll just have to disagree with me. Once you are emotionally D, as even many LBSs will get to be before a legal D, you really aren't lingering in limboland. Yes, a legal D at that point is a practical matter with consequences that need to be addressed. But, like filing taxes, it can reasonably be postponed.
FWIW, if the WAS hasn't done the work to be emotionally D, then we're talking about something completely different.
The cases I am thinking of are those in which the WAS really has extracted him/herself from the M. The financial matters are separated, the child visition stuff addressed, the households separated, and so on.
If those things aren't done, then THOSE are markers of stuff maybe, but that is what to look at. Look at whether or not the WAS is emotionally D, not the D paperwork.
Not making a decision may be a mark of immaturity, or whatever, but not filing D paperwork does not mean the WAS hasn't made a clear, firm decision.
(I say MAY be a mark of immaturity, because I don't think it always is. Plenty of LBSs choose to live in limboland. Some WASs choose to live in limboland too for their own reasons which may have nothing to do with immaturity, and so on. But, I took Suit's case to be one in which the emotional D is done, at least for the WAW, so limboland wasn't really an issue at all.)
WAS means something different to your ex. We know it because we read this book called Divorce Busting. Did your ex read the book? No. To him, WA means bye. But you asked him and he was very honest.
IMP
Your right Imp....he was honest, to the best of his ability.
No, he did not read the book.
He will be here in T-minus 3hr 15 minutes......I am seriously thinking about leaving MLC for DUMMIES casually lying on THE TABLE....he most definatly could check off every single damn thing!
Imp....I love you and your honesty, you know that.....but I just have to say this.....K? He hasn't been honest about 98.7% of the things he has told me in two years. I mean....so am I supposed to assume that this 1.3% was now honest? I can't.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
