First, let me say how much I appreciate all of you checking up on my thread. It is very encouraging and muy comforting to know I'm not adrift on this sea.
Lil, yes, I did think your suggestion made lots of sense. In an attempt to try to establish some sort of "grown-up" time, I arranged a standing date with my W every other Thursday (payday for me). We have been doing this for about six months now. It is at this lunch date that I approached the topic of R talk with my wife.
It actually went pretty well, once I got through the initial discomfort of it. i was able to own my gloom and subsequent withdrawl yesterday in response to the MC session, and was also able to talk about the personal growth issues I was facing and dealing with. What made it so easy to talk about was the fact that I was just sharing; not attempting to cause her to feel or react in any certain way. It really felt great to just let go! I still feel very cool about it all!
She, on the other hand, didn't talk much. she did listen, from what I could tell. I am not sure about her level of trust in me at this point. I have really thrashed her emotionally in the past, knew what buttons to push, etc. I am sure at least part of our current distance is simply her keeping me at arm's length. Hopefully, she'll get past that. For me, it's all about show, don't tell right now. Other than her being aware that I am working through some personal issues right now, she really doesn't need specifics. Just for me to be, walk, talk, and act like the man I am becoming will have to be enough.
An interesting side note: Yesterday my S5 had his gameboy taken away from him by my W as punishment for some infraction. He was quite upset with her, and stormed off to his room. A minute or so later, he came out and, pointing his finger at her, said "No snuggle time for you until day after tommorow!"
Snuggle time is the time when he will curl up on her lap and just nestle into mommy's arms. W and S5 will have this time at least once a day, usually right before bedtime.
In watching this little drama play out I realized that he learned this exact behaviour from ME! I react in exactly this same way if I feel I am unfairly treated. Or unfairly criticized. Or criticized at all. Or nagged. It doesn't really matter if the unfairness, nagging, or criticizm is real or just the way I percieve it, I have reacted this exact way, withholding regular intimate contact. Wow, I gotta talk to this kid. Now.
Corri, thanks for the two links. I am just through the intro and first chapter of "EC for Everybody", and I have only browsed the "Going Up" link, but it looks interesting too.
Yesterday, my funk just seemed to get worse and worse. I couldn't understand the sudden nose-dive. I eventually realized that I had missed my AD drugs the previous day. I took them and, low and behold, much better! I had no idea that missing a dose would affect me so radically! I seem to remember some discussion about this very phenomenon earlier on the BB. I think it was either Crazy Eddie, or perhaps he was just commenting on the incident, but at any rate, the combination of no ADs and the generally depressing MC session really sent me into a tail spin. I'm so much better today I feel rather manic.
Anyway, band practice tonight, so no gym, but a couple of beers and some jamming. Can't hurt.
Oh, and GGB, What are the WWME dialogs? And how long have all of you been on the BB? I get the impression, especially from Corri, Cobra, Hairdog, and GGB that you all have been around for some time.
Thanks Everybody
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
