Mixed signals - catfan's continual saga part???

[Dom R]

As far as prerequisites go.. people usually have gone the exact other way:

make counseling.. and actually DOING WHAT THE COUNSELLOR SAYS... a prerequisite, for X number of sessions/months. If it doesnt seem to help, then do the whole separation thing. if you want to tie them together at all, that is.

Note: 1 session is useless. 2 is almost identical. You might want to chat with an MC, before you even bring this up to your wife, to see how long the MC would suggest, or whether they recommend even doing it at all.
Some places might give you a free consult just to work out the suggested length.

[catfan]

OK some updating. Dom and NH both are like a a couple ny friends locally, pushing that she's manipulating me and putting on a front. Without the benefit of being involved in our interactions or witnessing them it's easy to get that impression, especially when getting only my poorly articulated side. Even my parents had been leaning that way. Well they now have first hand experience on a number of occasions so I'm inclined to listen to their feedback a lot more. Basically they too believe that her intentions are honest, that's she's confused about the separation and reconciliation. My wife and my mom are close and they've talked recently but not directly about us. My Mom thinks my analysis is pretty much on target and that as long as I can continue to show my changes and be positive she'll continue to come around.

On the idea of being positive, I'm basically an optimistic person but I can really get drawn into negative thinking when I am depressed or down. That's been the case all along, a roller coaster of emotions of which is mainly my making. Recently the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne was recommended to me and for me it's been the push over the edge I needed to get back to consistent positive thinking, attitude and being. My wife has notice this change and initial indications are that it is making a big difference in our situation. She has flat out said she likes the positive attitude I now have and wants to spend more time with me. She's even dropped a comment about wanting to be back together with the positive me.

So I highly recommend this book for anyone struggling to turn it around and find that positive attitude again. It makes the "as if" attitude and everything else a darn spot easier to do and be a part of the new you. For me, I feel freed from all that was dragging me down. Freed from the fears I was still harboring.

It's brought a new excitement to each and every day for me. Sure the situation sucks but when I look at what I have to be grateful about it's easy to see all the possibilities. But the biggest thing The Secret has given me is a set of strategies on always being positive. Visualizing the things I want and not only thinking I have them but visualizing that has made a huge difference in how I feel. What's great, is that little goals I have had that I have applied the strategies to have already come true! It's been an amazing turn of events for me and I hope all of you can have it too.

So what kind of things have I visualized? I've started small, remembering that baby steps are the key to making the ultimate goal happen. First it was just for us to sit on our sofa and enjoy each other's company for one of our short visits. A laugh and a giggle here and there. Next was a longer conversation, chit chat and more of the same but now no push by her to get me out the door at the end of the night. She actually said Sunday night, you don't have to leave so soon. Finally for us to have a difficult conversation about the separation agreement but for us to end it in agreement, happy with the outcome and looking forward to our next time together and planning it.

Sure I know there's difficult periods ahead but I now know a better way to deal with them and turn them to our advantage.

[Dom R]

Pfft. you didnt need to get your head messed up with "the secret". that's wierdo mumbo-jumbo garbage.
You just needed to re-read divorcebusting
The positive constructive things you said, are right out of there:

Positive Mental Attitude
Choosing small steps/goals to aim for

etc.

I really do hope the best for your situation. It just looks a whole lot like other ones that have been revealed to be deceitful spouses. (actually, it seems to mostly be wives that do this. husbands tend to take more of a "forget you" attitude, it seems)

[catfan]

Well "The Secret" is basically just that Dom.

No she's not deceitful but very confused about where she wants to go with regards to us. But there have been some baby step improvements. To update:

On Sunday we had dinner together as a family. We are finding this to be a very good transition activity for us as a family when we "transfer" the girls from one home to the next. It works for us.

While helping prepare dinner I told her I did have something to say. I told her that I greatly appreciated her. How wonderful it was that 9 months later she's still trying as best as she can and giving as much as she can. How amazing it was that even though she felt her well was dry she found something to give and that was to give as much as possible at being friends. This really struck a cord with her.

So fast forward to after dinner, while cleaning up and the kids not around she says she has something she wants to talk about. Turns out she went househunting on Saturday and looked at a new neighborhood close to our house. As she put it, it's very much like the place we live in, in England, a neighborhood we loved. While talking about it she made a number of "we" statements and talked about specific floorplans as if she's considering how it works for us. She was keen to get my thoughts on it all.

So I think she for the first time is starting to get a glimpse of a future together again. Now it's really up to me to manage myself!!

[Dom R]

Hey there.. glad to hear some positives for you.

Try not to get too built up on expections, though,'cause it will be brutal if they are not met.

Do you know WHY she decided to go house hunting?

ie: if it is potentially a "her, the children AND you" situation... why not move back in to where you were living together before?
bigger/fancier place?

[catfan]

Yes I knew exactly why even before she told me. Our house is very large, a bear to maintain and to be honest about 1/3 more space than we as a family need. For us it became a burden. It's a wonderful house but there was always something more to do.

When we were in England we had a place about 1/3 the size of our house. It was a bit small but we loved it because it was easy to maintain, in a great neighborhood, allowed each of us space but wasn't huge, was very comfortable and not "showy".

The place she found is very much like this with a bit more space and a price that would be easier on us both. She even said sure it'd take two incomes to afford but not two as big as our current house.

She made a lot of comments too about the floorplan and how it would work for us. Even said, the spare room could be my media home theater. Yes "MY" meaning me.

[Dom R]

ooo, wow.

lucky guy. that sounds fantastic.
doesnt sound like you need any advice whatsoever. So I'll just send positive thoughts your way

[catfan]

This house things is a perfect example of the mixed signals she still sends.

Last night she was upset with me for something and barely would give me the time of day. I think she just wanted space. But of course I was a bad guy for calling to talk to the kids. And of course after lunch yesterday she asked me to call them. So I just brushed it off, whatever can't worry about it and it's not worth it either.

[Dom R]

Wow.

menopause? "pre" menopause?

39, i notice

[catfan]

Honestly Dom, she's under a great deal of stress. She has a "C" level position at a mid-sized software company. She oversees all the non-US divisions. She's got people all around the world and I was one of those people for nearly 6 years. (I was a upper-mid mgr and in my last role she was my boss' boss.) Job/Career stress has played a HUGE role in creating our situation, both her's and mine. Now that I'm unemployed it's playing the major stress in my life and it is with her too. For her she feels stress and responsibility because she asked me to leave my job and strike out on my own career. Trust me working together although nice often, was a huge stress on our relationship. I highly advise against working with your spouse!