WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing -3

[waw1978]

Hey CVA

Some examples of what I consider controlling:

Me: What do you think about me going back to school for XYZ?
H: I don't think so.

Me: My girlfrieds are getting together for XYZ, could you watch DD so I can go?
H: This isn't enough notice. Why are they always calling at the last minute? You have priorities...(again, he has not plans just doesn't want me to go) seriously, i had to tell my friends 3 weeks minimum notice for me to participate. this would be 3 weeks filled with reminders and what not. to which he would usually responed that I never told him/asked him about...by the end of 3 weeks I could clearly point on that he had known about XYZ for a number of weeks. I kid you not...

just a couple of examples...I used to pose everything as a question first, more out courtesy for him as my spouse not because I wanted him telling me what to do *and* on the occasions when I told him "I am going out with the girls to the movies" I was met with a nasty attitude and comments like where did I get off telling him what i was doing.

So over the years I was conditioned to asking him about things instead of just telling him. Several times when I was met with opposition I clarified that I was asking out of politeness to give him a chance to tell me if he had other plans that night etc...in hindsight, i never should have allowed that. I should have just stated what I was doing, and unless there was some big conflict I should have just said too bad. Unfortunately these conversations always boiled down to him needing to have a say so in what I did, where I went and with whom

Perfect example, the company I work for has a softball league. Last year I reluctantly played for my dept (not very well I might add) H was very upset about it but I did it anyway. Every time I came home from the games I would be interogated about what transpired at the game, if I went for drinks after...why did the game run late (duh, we had a tie to break)

So this year, I really wanted to play softball he flat out said no way when it was mentioned. This was followed up by a no way to me taking classes towards my masters. Which was then followed up to no way taking a dance class with my cousin. See? This is just a little bit of the behavior.

The lesson I learned from all of this was a) there were very few things he ever wanted me to do b)even if I went ahead and did these things I would be punished with an attitude and nasty behaviour for days there after.

This is in conjuction to being jealous and not wanting me physically which in itself is a paradox. He was even jealous of me spending time with my family.

Also, his big complaint was that he never got to do anything...but he never made any plans for himself. I am not his mother and I refused to make "play dates". He also has become a shut in and has barely any friends to speak of because he never kept in touch with them. I our 5 years married I can count on 1 hand how many times he has ever gone out and done something on his own. Before we married he had tons of pals and did all sorts of things...but as soon as we married that was it. game over for him and somehow thats my fault? Anyway, I am getting frustrated and going off on a tangent.

But thats some of the behavior I considered controlling...Also telling me who I could and could not be freinds with was another issue.