Lessons from a former WAS

[thegoodfight]

I haven't given any information recently, I have been letting things settle in for a while. Really nothing new to report, I treat her with respect as she does me. I occasionally give her compliments on her beauty or hair. Mostly I just compliment the meals and the cleanliness, she does the same. Funny it is second nature now. We always say have a good night and talk to you later. She hugs me a little although typically I initiate it. Not all the time but most of the time it is me. Don't know what she is thinking she still has her ring off.

I haven't and don't check her phone anymore. She invites me and uses we when it comes to weekend family plans. I gave her what she asked for a budget breakdown and a couple of options, she has said nothing about it. Don't know if there is anything to make of it or not. But we seem to be tolerating each other and getting along fairly well.

I do have moments where I miss my wife very much and I do not forget what I have done to her world, my son's world, the family's world and my world. I know with the information I am armed with and my tireless search that things will get continue to get better no matter the end result.

Most importantly I have relearned the importance of walking the talk, not talking the walk.

[thegoodfight]

Well my W. sister is coming into town tonight and since her boyfriend can't come, my W. is worried she might feel uncomfortable with me there since she knows about our difficulties plus she wants to talk to her.

I have just been bluntly asked to make myself scarce for a Saturday, but come back Sunday since she wants help watching the Kids at the beach. I said no problem however I am somewhat irritated by this.

Reason one: We have given a considerable amount of money the S. to help her out of her D. jam.
Second: Sister took out money to give to the boyfriend instead of keeping it to take care of her kids and pay us back. (We are not made of Money).
Third: It is my house and W seems to want me around except when she talks to her family or they visit. Exception her father who does not know anything at this point.

Any thoughts on this, perhaps I am just mad about the lack of progress, perhaps it is just another of example of how I felt she always put her family before ours. I don't know, this morning I was so sure I would hang in there no matter what. Now I am very upset by what appears to me to be very selfish on both there parts. Please any thoughts are appreciated. Especailly any that say I am over reacting.

[Heimlich]

While I think that you have a justifiable reason to be upset, will hanging around the house help or hurt? Flimsy excuse, "My S is going to be uncomfortable". Whatever. Plan something fun and do it.

I'm not familiar with your sitch. If you're still sleeping at home, I think it's unfair of her to have to make plans to sleep elsewhere because her sis is in town. Maybe draw the line there -- "I'll be gone for the day and evening, but I'll be sleeping here, though I will leave you two alone so that you can visit."

BD

[Maya44]

I've just spent the day reading all 11 pages of this thread. I'm looking for help in any way I can. I've been M for 12 yrs, together 13 y, 7yr D, 3 babies that died. H left me 1 year ago (aug 27th). I found out a couple months after that he was having a PA. He says it's over with OW, but I'm not so sure. H has never once contacted L for a D. He says he's confused about all of this. But he's constantly out with the guys drinking, playing cards etc. I think if he'd take the time to actually think about things, he'll figure out what he wants. DD is mentally effected by this. Even after 1 year, she's made 2 comments to me in the past 2 days about daddy forgetting he's her daddy since he doesn't call, etc. H was a VERY involved dad and husband. We let our issues get to us and treated eachother poorly instead of leaning on eachother. While he left, we were in the process of bankruptcy and lost our house and car with it. He grew up in a very financially stable home and his parents yelled at him about the bankruptcy. (UGH!). He lives with them the past year and they don't ask him anything....just lets him come and go as he pleases. He's even giving financial support to me less and less. I want our marriage VERY badly and know the past mistakes we've both made are very correctable. My question I guess is, to those that are the WAS, does my outcome look very bleak? I think he's going through a personal crisis since he's even become distant with our DD. What can I do besides LRT? And how does one get into GAL & LRT? Please help in any way you can...I greatly appreciate any input!

And sorry to butt into this thread if I'm not supposed to do this. I'm new here.

[thegoodfight]

Sounds like an MLC for your H. Maybe, as I am going to do go over and read threads under that premise, I am sure you will find hope. Also its not over until its over. I am sure he is lost and you should be respected for wanting to preserve your marriage. There are many others who have more experience and can give advice. I would be more than happy to answer questions you may have! Best of luck!

[thegoodfight]

Interesting weekend, Visit with the Sister in law was very enjoyable, however her children are hurting very badly due to the lack of relationship as she goes through her divorce. She is very focused on her and what makes her happy and the kids are having a very tough time adjusting.

This spurred a conversation that my W. brought up about there issues after talking for about an hour and half late last night she brought up our situation and how extra niece I have been and attentive and she worries when we aren't doing things together I won't be the same way.

I replied obviously if we are not under the same roof or if you are with someone else yes the dynamics change but I won't be mean to you, we are still parents and need to remain friendly with each other given our S. well being. Then she said she is worried that I am only this "extra" nice to try and change her mind. I said well I hope we can find a common ground but regardless of what happens I was a pretty good husband and a real good dad. Now I won't settle for that because look where that got me! I want and will be a great partner either in this relationship or another!

The changes I do and the things I do, I am doing for the family You, S, and Me not just one. She ended the converstation with I might want to start doing things on my own or seperately, not all the time, but I think I might want to start. Wow, I thought you have talked to me three nights in a row about the relationship I did not bring it up, you enjoy how good things have been and since things are good see wants more time apart!

I have two thoughts on this, one is guilt she can't return the 'niceness' so she is trying to do things to get me to be less nice. Second, is her mind is changing and she doesn't like anyone changing her mind, she makes her own decisions so she needs to back off more because she has already made up her mind.

Any thoughts are welcome!

[thegoodfight]

bump.

[thegoodfight]

I need to journal a little bit. I don't do it often but it usually helps.

Had a tough day yesterday at home. My W. has become very comfortable with the status at home (roomates). Although we share the same bed, we use it for sleeping and rarely go to bed at the same time. We have split up the household chores and things are getting done. This has taken a lot of stress off of the situation. We have been doing things as a roomate/family for the past few months.

A few talks have generated after having a nice weekend together, typically the tune is this.

W. I had a great time this weekend, and our S. loved it too.
M. Yes I did as well, (then I make a remark about something he did that was funny or cute). Never a shortage of those situations.
Then she is quiet for about 5 to 10 minutes will read her book. Then out of the blue.
W. This roomate thing is great, you have been so wonderful the last 5 or so months. I hope things don't change because I am going to start doing things on my own.
M. Your my friend first and foremost if you want to do things on your own that is fine, just please give me enough notice to plan activities with our S.
W. I will, I don't know when I am going to do something, I just feel I need too.
M. Okay, I understand I don't have any issue with it.
W. I wish my family wasn't so far away or someone would meet me halfway, the drive is too long for a weekend.
M. Yeah that is a shame, well maybe if you give them enough notice you can arrange something with family or friends (they are about 6 driving hours away).
W. I think we can do this for a while. Our S. loves haveing us around.
M. I think right now as things are, we are putting our S. needs first given our Child care needs and finanical situation this is the best thing.
W. You know we can still do things as a family, he loves it when we do.
M. I know I thought that is why we do so many things together.
W. I just hope you don't start treating me differently when I start to do things on my own.
M. You know how I feel, I know how you feel, I am sorry for the hurt I have caused, I understand that you want to do your thing, I will do my best not to let that get in the way of how you are treated. Right now I still believe this is the best thing for our S.
W. I agree, I just worry you won't treat me as well, because I don't want to do things together all the time.
M. That is fine, I appreciate your honesty on the sitch.
W. Am I living in fantasy land or do think we can do this for a while until we save enough money or one of us meets someone else.
M. (Body slumps I can feel but can't do anything about it) I don't know, lets cross bridges as we come to them okay.

Most conversations over the last month or two basically go this way. Some history in the past when I have initiated doing things seperately in order to adjust, and when I do something I take our S. with me for two reasons, one so she knows where I am and what is going on, plus I love doing things with him (rebuild trust). Two, because she loves our S. so much, but also uses him as a crutch and does not spend enough time on her own to deal with her own issues. When I have done this typically she then feels bad and on two occasions when we return, or she comes to where we are, she wants to try again. I have not done this in the last two months because she has not wanted it. Although I believe this might have helped if I did.

My take and I appreciate any comments if one has the patience to read this post. My take is, still not facing the reality of the situation as far as what divorce is. Because of our roomate situation she has been able to become comfortable with it and not face the changes that occur with Divorce. This is both bad and good.

The wounds are very deep and she does not feel there is any hope.

Supporting statement: I don't feel anything for you as a H. only as a father and a friend. I wish I felt differently, I don't know how I will feel in 6 months but right now I am pretty sure it won't change. I have closed my heart to you, I don't want to be hurt again so I won't open up to you. I know this I wish it were different but I can't.

You see various contradicitions in her language to me. I wish I could, but I won't so I can't. She has not forgiven me! She is not facing the reality of the possible outcome.

Supporting statement: I love our S. more than anything I always put his needs before mine. (Evidence supports this statement). But I can't live in a loveless marriage for the next 5 or 10 years. I guess I am kind of selfish but I can't fool myself, our S. will be okay we will still be good parents, he won't really know the difference.

Okay, typically I have to change the subject or walk away when the conversations go this way. The problem is and has been my W. does not like to face confrontations or reality, and certainly not pain for herself or anyone else.

Example my W. sister is going through a bad divorce, I won't get into all the details but the two kids are noticeably suffering because every don't in the divorce manual has been done. Instead of saying something to her Sis about this and recommending so alternatives, she steps away and says I can't say anything I just have to hope they get help.

Again we are not facing reality although it is right in front of us. I am very frustrated with myself for causing these issues, I am very worried about my W.'s coping ability when the reality hits. I know she is not facing it, but right now she is content and I don't want to cause any more grief.

We have talked about visitation, and I made it clear I would want joint. She agreed, but said she didn't know it would be this way. (I guess she thought I would just come visit when I felt like it but our S. would just be with her all the time). She won't even go to a divorce counselor for families with me, I suggested this as something we go do so we don't make as many mistakes as others in the past. I don't know what to make of all of it except for some of things I commented on.

Sorry for the length but would appreciate any thoughts on how to help her face this, without forcing the issue.

I want to stay a family but I also don't want my W. to live in a "loveless" marriage forever. I am not sure what I should do, my gut tells me to do things seperate as often as possible to start the adjustment period. I don't want a ton of bricks falling on us at once.

Thanks for the patience.

Thi

[christarn]

That's some tough stuff to hear, stay strong and be supportive...are you or have you asked about MC? Patience isn't only a must it's a virtue in this situation...take care of you, and be strong for you S... :)christa

[thegoodfight]

thanks for your reply, yes I have suggested, even Retrou. statement last time I brought it up was I am not ready for that. Yet!