An update...

[AmbientCoast]

If I say to you, a woman wants to surrender, does that make sense to you? Do you know what it looks like? She cant surrender if you rescue her.

OK, I'm getting there.

You felt good rejecting her, thats understandable, but you have a real chance right now, to stop the withdrawal dance.

It felt good at the time, but I didn't particularly like the fact that it felt good.

I hope you choose to get that under control. You dont have to 'be in there like a shot' you can remain where you are, and offer to her the opportunity to come and snuggle up for warmth. If you can warmly and gently or even playfully, get her to admit thats what she wants, even better.

Yep, I understand.

Many of her actions are showing that she is interested in getting things back on track. Again if you can have conversations where she admits this, so much the better.

Understand this, too.

Ok. This is your screw up. Here is why. I always monitor and control my womans alcohol intake. Usually its unnoticeable. Although I have done it blatantly obvious also, making them choose, me or more alcohol. Really effective. anyways.

Letting her get blitzed is NOT caring for her or cherishing her or protecting. That is why you do it.

Nah, no screw up. This was us having a big night out with no babysitter to get back for, etc, etc, etc. I'm guessing that the drinking thing is a funny one to discuss here because of the UK/US culture clash when it comes to this kind of stuff. Over here, getting tanked once in a while doesn't have the same kind of connotations. Anyhoo, looking back, there were more positives about the night than negatives. Definitely.

Her actions show that this is not what she is thinking. Stop assuming the negative. Even if it were, its counterproductive.

Yep, gotcha.

I want to bonk you on the head when I see that kind of talk.

The problem is, you arent being selfish enough.You are correct -you cannot force her to desire something she doesnt want. So you have nothing to worry about. If she goes along with it, you havent forced her.

So since you cant force her, offer it too her...that doesnt mean give it to her.... offer it too her and then be still and see what happens.
If she didnt want to move outside of her comfort levels, with you, she wouldnt be there. If she doesnt want to she WILL leave. Are you afraid of her leaving, or are you afraid of her not wanting you. I think its the second. Whichever it is, your hesitancy and inaction look the same to her, for whatever reason it is.

Your self doubts are in your way. Not your wife.

All makes sense.

What am I afraid of? Her leaving? Nope - that's happened before and I've survived. Her not wanting me? Nope - I've lived with that thought for the last 2 or 3 years and I've survived. I'm wary of what this will do to the kids and on top of that, I really DON'T want to be a part-time dad which will be inevitable. I'm also wary that my financial state will mean I'd have to move back in with my parents for a while. Not cool.

I'm certainly not afraid of being without her, or without her love - I'm just not in a particularly great financial position at the moment, and there are a bunch of other consequences that this would be thrown up if we split.

I'd like to have all my ducks in a row, as it were, before I stirred things up.

Tell me about her comfort levels and how you react to them.

Well, what normally sends her screaming out of her comfort zone is me initiating any real conversation about sex when we're alone. Then she'll immediately change the subject, or literally clam up if I try to push for talk. Physically, we'll both hold hands when we're out, I can give her a long foot rub at night, I can grab her for a kiss or a hug, I can spoon in bed, I can come up behind her when she's in the kitchen, and grab her breasts from behind. In fact, I did this last night while she was cooking, for example, and she said she liked it, and then *jokingly* said "but not as much as..." (and I forget what she said at the end there, but it wasn't sexual). But if I try to progress any physical contact towards true intimate contact, she'll find that uncomfortable and she'll put a stop to it with some crap excuse.

But, like I said, she'll kind of admit that she likes the touching. I'm not saying that this is all down to stubbornness on her behalf (even though she is one of the most stubborn people I've ever met) but it's almost like we're 99% there, but she doesn't want to be the one to give in because she'll feel like I've 'won'. Or something. Does that make sense?

As for my reactions, I used to stomp around and sulk a little (a lot?) but learned that it didn't get me anywhere. Now, most of the time, I [make her believe that I] take it in my stride and I brush it off and tell her something like "hey, it's your loss" - but in a positive/jokey way.

Eight hours. wow. whats the water temp there?

Damned cold - 6mm wetties all the way. That was a very rare summer swell, so I think I had my 4mm on that day.

When are you going to Uruguay? A bike ride? Thats sounds awesome. Im intrigued.
I have two major dreams left to accomplish. go diving in antartica before I am 40, and drive a MC from here to Chile. No hurry on that one.

The Uruguay thing is just something random that I was talking about to a mate - and for some reason it just stuck. I'm a writer by trade and a keen traveler, and have found that there's just not much travel literature about Uruguay. I'm looking for kit sponsors and a publisher right now, but basically, I'm planning to cycle the entire coast of Uruguay next year and get an off-beat travel book on the shelves.

We'll see...