Yeah I think it's alright now. I told her that if it upsets her that much then I'll move on Sat. I didn't want us to end on a bad note before she moves out and if it means that much to her I'll suffer. She calmed down and was okay with Sunday. So I get to spend another day with the W and the kids.
Anyhow, W says that when the other day when I confidently told her that I was going to show her that I'm going to be the man she wants to take back, she was very attracted to that and would want that man. I guess being confident and happy seems to be the key. Upon hearing that it really gave me a sense of calm (at least for now) and feeling like having a doable goal to reach. Straighten out my life and I'll have a better chance of saving this M. I really hope that this rollercoaster of emotion will stop soon and I can have better control of myself.
Sent an email to the local boys and girls club. Hope to get some volunteer time in. Should occupy some time. Still trying to figure out how to make some decent local friends. Checking out the meetup.com schedules..... Anyone got any recommendations? Lost touch with all my local friends after the marriage. Got nobody that's local. Pretty awful.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Woot Woot! You spark the W's interest. She likes a confident man. That is great, you can be that man for her. Strut your stuff brother. Hold that head high, push out the chest and strut. You da' man!
Our feelings do take us on a wild roller coaster ride. I try to remind myself that I need to keep a PMA, not only for the sake of my R, but for my own health and well being. I have realized getting, upset, getting down, feel sorry for myself only accomplish one thing and that is to make me feel nauseas and depressed. Remember we have total control on how we are going to feel. We are the only ones who can let things get to us and make us upset. We have complete control over what we let or do not let bother us, how we want to react or how we want to feel.
I am in the same boat as you trying to geta social life. I have lost contact with all me friends since getting married. Visited meetup.com myself, but unless I am a witch or a mother, I could not find much. LOL!
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Everyone's situation is different. I moved out at my XW's insistence, for a 3-month "trial separation." (But a 12-month lease??) I was trying to DB, being reasonable. At the same time we took a "break" from MC. During this time we (mostly) only communicated about the kids.
She was insistent that we not tell the kids that it was temporary, because that would give them "false hope." We just said we weren't getting a divorce "at this time."
At the end of 3 months, XW saw "no point" in going back to MC, that we had already done it to death. So why did she act like we'd start back after 3 months?? At that point it became clear to me, what I feared from the start, that this "trial separation" was just a way for her to ease me out of the house.
All the precedents had been set. Occupancy. Custody. Visitation. Support. For 3 months. Game, set, match.
We talked about what this separation really means last night. We are both genuine to each other and no pretenses. We agreed on all the rules. It is going to be a temporary timeout for us to sort things out. We will not be seeing other people. We will continue to tell the kids that I'm at work while I am not there. It's for me to get my life together and improve myself. It's time for her to have some space to work on her issues w/o pressure and anxiety from me and also observe the changes in me and make sure they are permanent. We will not be intimate, but we will continue to be loving and friendly towards each other like we have been during the time we have contact. We will only have contact during the time I'm visiting the kids. In time we hope we can move towards more interaction and progress with the M. There are no promises of time frame or what would happen. Just need to see after a while. To me, if I can continue to DB and improve myself, it increases the chance of her wanting to take me back. Just the fact that when she saw a flicker of confidence in me made her think that we may have a chance gives me encouragement. I am hoping that in couple months she may soften and agree to give Retrouvaille a try.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I think that is wonderful, dave. that's exactly the separation I had hoped for. hope it happens for you. separation doesn't have to be a bad thing...in fact, from people I have talked to, it can actually help in some instances.
good luck! and great bounderies/groundrules.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
my3sons, am curious, why stop mc when you did the trial separation? I've understood mc can be very helpful while separated, so just curious what made you guys decide to go that route.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Dave that sounds good, and like a really healthy approach to things. I'm glad you talked it out. I know it's supposed to be "no R talk" but sometimes that can back fire. I know it could've been a situation where you didn't really agree and such, but I'm glad you did talk about it so you're at least somewhat on the same page.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yeah I've broken the "no R talk" rule so many times it's not even funny. As my W said, I've shot myself in the foot so many times that I don't even have a foot left. I'm working on it. I think that during the S it's probably easier not to talk about R. I don't know. I'm not quite there yet.
Maybe I'm reading into things but I know the W has told one of her brothers that we are hoping to work things out and hopefully able to keep the family together. So at least it seems she has the intention of us working out if she can work through her pain and resentment. I'm really hoping that her therapist can assist her through it. I really think we can build a M that is stronger than ever if she can get past the history. Now I just need to keep my mouth shut and smile.
Slight improvement today. A bit calmer. Not as much stomach twisties. I was able to eat most of my lunch vs only a little bit. I am so tired of my stomach being in a knot! Maybe on the day I move out it will hit me hard. But for now I'm fairly calm.
I really do think my W will miss me terribly. Or at least here's hoping. She is out for couple hours right now unwinding (shopping) cuz the kids drove her crazy the entire day. I put the kids to bed. I wonder what she will do when I'm only there to help her out every other day or so during my visit. Sometimes I do wish she would acknowledge how much burden I take off of her shoulders with the kids so she doesn't go insane.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Ok so this morning the W initiated talk on R. One thing led to another, I asked a probing question (which I probably shouldn't have but....). I said, "sweetie, honestly, do you really want me back?" I was expecting something like "oh I need to figure everything out, I don't know....". It surprised me when she said that she does want me back but at a different point in our lives. She wants the S for us to both sort things out and work on ourselves. She wants to get to a point where she is able to deal with working on the M. I'm going to chalk that one up as a positive sign and be encouraged to work on myself during our S.
I do wonder if what I mentioned to her about my officemate's divorce has hit home a little. I told her that he is still constantly struggling and in pain even after 2 years. Basically his W left him for another man and moved out of state. So essentially he has closure from that aspect and they have no kids. I said that it will just be 100x worse because we love and care for each other deeply and we have two kids that bonds us forever. We will always have an open wound that never heals between us if we get a divorce. I do not want to wonder about "what if" for the rest of my life if we have a chance to make this marriage work and give the kids a happy family that's together.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
