I have been posting over in piecing, as I thought it might be a good thing to make the move. However things aren't going so well, so if anyone can please go over there take a look and give me some feed back..
Thanks
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I replied over on your piecing thread. Don't think it is going as bad as you perceive. Hang in there.
Stew
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
Well I had tried to move over to piecing, but just am not getting much response, so I think I will come back here where I get a bit more response! Well we did have some problems again, over going to a bike course the same weekend as retrouville, I did not want to miss any of it, H thought we could because it was only and hour. We both did handle it poorly, however H acted like a child, which he has admitted too! So at least he was able to see that. We have recieved confirmation for the retro weekend, so its a go! I worry sometimes that maybe we are putting to much hope into the weekend to make things better, I worry that we will be disappointed. I also worry that H will not really be open and honest as is needed, not just because of what has been happening, but he has always been one to avoid confrontation. I sometimes worry to, that there has just been to much damage, as I just feel numb to him, don't feel much of anything, I wonder if it just would be best to split, because there is just to much damage. Who know?! I am still going to go to the weekend and we will see what happens, I am going to make it better...not be indifferent
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Shoot, Limbo. Went over and checked out your thread in piecing and couldn't get my thoughts together.
Your conversation wasn't the best, but, egads, your H really was acting like a 6 year old who had his lollipop taken away. Has he always been like that?
Good deal on Retrouvaille. Think of it as just a step. It's not going to magically heal your R, but, from what I've read, it will start you on that path if you're both willing to invest in it. It sounds like your H wants to be with you, just doesn't know how. Maybe the communication tools at the R weekend will give both of you a bit of that how.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
No he hasn't always been that way, he was always such a thoughtful and good man...I think this is why I have stayed because the man he is now isn't who he used to be, I don't know maybe he feels that over the years he has given up so much of what he wants that now he is going to stand his ground. He also has a shorter fuse on alot of things, I hope that he can get back to the good man he was. I have tried to say for him to go back to c but he wants to wait until after the retro weekend, so I will back off on that one until after. We have sorted out the bike issue, and I am happy about that, I was getting pretty worried because he was set on getting a brand new Harley, however we just can't afford that, and he wants us both to have a bike, so we talked last night and have agreed that new bikes are not a good idea right now, but we can look at getting a couple of used, and once he saw the logic he was happy with that! Also we aren't going to do the course until the spring, which is better all round, I have even encouraged him to start putting alittle money away so he can buy things for the bike, and he thought it was a good idea. So we did have a more mature interaction, also this morning he said that he is really going to make a concious effort not to behave like that anymore, so hopefully he is now seeing this is not how he wants to be! Believe me I know this isn't going to be a short process, but if he is really trying then I can't ask for anything else!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Two mistakes I made so far. One is I said I would try at the beginning of the year. W said we won't try we will do. Then it turned it to W. will try. Then she said it wasn't getting any better. Then she wanted a D. then she wanted to try again, then she did not want to talk about it anymore.
My point is this to quote the great jedi master Yoda "do or don't do. There is no try!" A great many believe when disaster strikes we can cruise along until it gets better. This is IMO is very wrong, until both are completed commited to repair failure is almost always assured. Having said don't talk about trying, let him and you do. You can do it, I believe there is very little that totally destroys except for lack of forgiveness and prolonged selfishness. Just as positive behavior can have positive effects on the other, the same can be said for negative.
Do not despair this is not meant to be a your doomed statement more over it is a show him your dedicated and see what he does, not says does.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Try not to be depressed over things as they are now. I know that Retrouvaille is not a magic pill to be taken and then the marriage is fixed, but I can't explain the turn around that happened for me at that weekend. I think you will be successful there for 2 reasons. One, your H is open and willing to make changes to improve the marriage; and two, you are bright and articulate, expressing yourself well in writing. Since you communicate through letters (and talking, but the crux is the letters), the ability to put thoughts and feelings on paper is a plus. Don't worry about confrontation. Retrouvaille is not confrontational. I can't explain very well what it is, because it is a combination of the presentations, the questions, the quiet thoughtful surroundings, the letters, and the closeness with the spouse, that all come together to create the Retrouvaille experience.
So until then, do what you are doing. Be nice to each other, avoid confrontation if possible, say thank you, ask for what you want if you need help, and try not to think bad thoughts about the other person. You will make this better. You just have to get there and learn what to do.
